"So? You get four hundred a day."
"This is a good email." He walks over to grab the computer and sets it down in front of me.
I browse through the details of the email.
"Do you know what this means?" He is practically yelling, getting pretty worked up.
I look at him and back to the screen.
"Judson, Ryan is trafficking drugs."
"I can see that, but what are we going to do about it."
"Well, we are going to set him up. It may take a while, but we will get in touch with the DEA and make sure he gets caught. It will violate his parole, and he will get carted back to prison."
Shit. He's right. This is what we've been looking for. This would be the end of him dictating my life. I shut the computer and pour myself another drink. I'll need it to get through this "master plan" session Carter is about to put on.
April 5
Five weeks come and go, with endless meetings and constant traveling. To say I am exhausted would be an understatement. Blakely hasn't returned any of my calls or emails. Jameson insists that Hanna has been keeping up with her, and she is alive. The plane's wheels hit the runway, and a strange calmness drapes over me like a blanket. I let out a breath that I feel like I've been holding since the day I left.
I push open the door at my house, dragging my suitcase and bags into my room. Jameson and Hanna pull in the driveway and come busting in the door behind me.
"Broski! I missed you, man!" Jay laughs, pulling me into a "bro hug." Hanna walks into view and gives me an unsure smile, giving off a vibe that she knows something I don't.
"What are you guys doing here?"
"Well, I knew the first thing you would do is go see B, but Hanna found out this morning that she left two days ago. So we thought we'd save you a trip."
I stumble into the chair in the living area.
"What do you mean she left?"
"She's gone. Lexie said she wouldn't be back until September, something about a summer internship."
I open my laptop, knowing she wouldn't leave without saying goodbye. I scroll through what feels like thousands of emails and come up empty-handed.
No Good-bye. No, "fuck-off Judson." Nothing.
CHAPTER 42
BLAKELY
July 4
3 months later…
The way the moon shines off the water and illuminates the world makes me believe in something bigger. Something greater than just myself, or even anything in this world. It’s been a while since I’ve felt that way, since a child even. I still find myself looking back to last year and feeling the guilt and pain, but I find it easier to cope every day. I look to the moon and realize that maybe I’m not so messed up, that no matter what phase of life I’m in, I’m still whole. Even when the moon isn’t full, it still shines, and that gives me hope. I think about where Judson is. If he is looking at the moon like me, wondering if he still thinks about me.
The internship is in full swing and incredible. I didn’t really have a choice but to accept, and I don’t regret it, well, almost. The constant feeling of being extremely busy helps keep my mind off everything but essentially that Judson isn’t here. I’m out here chasing my dream, but without him here, I feel a little lost.
I would say it was the best decision I’ve ever made for myself if there wasn’t this vast gaping hole where my heart used to reside. I still check my emails every day, trusting that there will be something from Judson, reassuring me that he’s okay. That’s all I want, for him to be alright. I haven’t talked to Hanna in a few weeks. That’s not for lack of effort. Our schedules haven’t been coordinating much, and I’m in another time zone.
Lexie has been messaging me every day to let me know every single thing I’m missing out on. Bryce is just as persistent but a little less enthusiastic. Lexie is like a cheerleader. She wants to root you on but also gossip about every single thing she can think of. Half the time when she’s on a fashion rant, she sounds like a Kardashian. I love her, and honestly, we balance each other out. She said Judson has reached out to her a few times. He is pushy, but she is Lexie, and well, not many men stand a chance against her. She is a tornado in a tiny body, and while she may look harmless, she is anything but. Bless the soul that decides to marry her.
Judson can’t know where I am. I wish he could, and we could be together, especially now, but his life and my life depends that he doesn’t know. At least not right now. I don’t know what will happen come September when I come back, but we will have to cross that bridge when the time comes.
Luckily this summer internship will count toward credits for school, and I have already notified my professors that I will be a late start back into the program for fall. Still, after this experience, I may need to start back after Christmas. As much as I love photography, I’m tired. The days are long, and the editing hours are even longer.