"I'm not dealing with you, Blake. I love you."
My emotions are heightened tonight. She has totally torn me apart, pulling and stretching back every layer of my heart. She's right though, the last thing I need is a child depending on me when I can't even give my full attention to the woman I want.
Scratch that, the woman that I desperately need.
She doesn't speak as she swipes more tears from her eyes. I hate seeing her so torn up. It makes me feel powerless. Especially when there is nothing I can do to make her smile. I can feel her chest move up and down as she breathes, the scent of her hair reminding me of home. I don't want her to leave, but the more silent moments that pass by, the more I know what is coming. She pulls herself to her feet, and I feel her slipping away.
"I have to go. I have a wedding to shoot tomorrow." She stumbles over her words nervously as she slips her shoes on.
"Let me drive you back. It's late."
"No." She whispers out a sigh. "I'll be fine."
Without another word or even a goodbye kiss, she is gone.
CHAPTER 38
BLAKELY
January 5
My head pounds as the sun streams through the ginormous windows in this tiny bachelorette pad, making me want to have curtains delivered, pronto. I've never woken up with a Judson hangover, but I'm pretty sure that is the diagnosis. I feel fucked, in all aspects, and I'm ready to just throw in the towel.
I have never felt the flood of so many emotions in my life. I'm sure I need to call my therapist, but at the same time, I'd rather wallow in my own misery. I don't need someone else telling me how messed up I am right now. I'm most definitely aware.
I glance at my bum wrist as the anger heats up my blood. It's just not fair. As if enough shit hasn't already happened to me, here I am down one hand. As hopeful as the doctor is to my face, I know between him and the physical therapist, they don't think I'll be able to use it again. Everyone tiptoes around the injury like they are afraid I might combust at the mention. Genuinely, at this point, I'm just happy to have lived through the crash, not that my living means much right now, but I'm scared to die. So I'm glad my life was spared, I guess.
Hanna comes busting through the door with what appears to be a million jackets and coffee in tow.
"You look like your puppy just died." She eyes me curiously as she sets the drink tray down on the counter.
"Worse… I saw Judson last night." I drag myself to the kitchen space, and I take a long gulp of coffee.
"Oh, Jay said that he stopped by the party the other night. We haven't seen much of him at all."
"Yeah, he was there, and then Carter came to see me last night. They found some paternity paperwork that showed that Judson's dad isn't his actual father."
"Jameson hasn't said anything about that, do you think he knows?" She fidgets her weight from one foot to the other, obviously nervous about that bombshell.
"I really don't know. I don't think anyone knows." I let out a breath.
"What about Jay? Did he find anything about him?"
"I don't think so. I think Carter would've mentioned it."
She shrugs, "He doesn't talk to me about it, Blake. He is keeping everything inside. I'm nervous for the moment he goes off like a bottle rocket."
Judson has mentioned Jay's temper and fighting, but I honestly didn't even think of him hurting Hanna.
"Are you afraid of him?"
"No, he wouldn't hurt me, but he would hurt someone if he felt threatened, and I just want him out of trouble."
I don't know what goes on inside Judson's mind, or Jameson's for that matter, but I've grown close to Hanna almost like a little sister. If I could, I would put caution tape around her heart to protect her. It seems right now the only thing we can do is try not to get dragged down into the dark hole of the Banks family reunion.
"Ready to do the damn thing?" She smiles as she picks my camera up off the counter and waves it around.
"Not really, but it's now or never." I smile and lift my coffee at her as I make my way into the bathroom to get ready. There is no way I can go to a wedding looking like this. I turn the shower on and quickly wash my hair and hop out. I throw on some comfortable but fashionable clothes and decide on an easy blow-dried look. It's hard to accomplish much with one hand, but I have gotten better with practice. I shrug at myself in the mirror and make my way out into the living area. Hanna is on the phone, but the look on her face is making me nervous.