I jerk my head from the counter at the sound of the knocking at the door. Shit, I must've fallen asleep. I turn my head toward the clock on the stove, midnight. Thinking it must be Carter, I pad my way to the door and yank it open, my heart falling quickly into my stomach.
Blakely.
The absolute last person I expected to see. She is a mess, her hair tied into a messy knot on top of her head and mascara under her green eyes. She doesn't say a word. I step back, allowing her inside. The tears seem to fall from her eyes unconsciously as she reaches out a tiny yellow piece of paper.
I take the note from her hand and pull her closer to me. Her breathing slows as she nestles up against my torso. She pulls away and looks up at me, speaking to me with her eyes because her mouth can't decide what to say. I think about telling her every last detail of why I am afraid Ryan will try and destroy my life but instead, I freeze. Looking into her eyes, there isn't any way I would fill her pretty mind with all of the bullshit that is eating away at me every second.
"I love you." Three words coming off her lips are desperate and full of emotion. "I don't want to be without you Judson, I don't care about any of the bullshit. We can get through it together."
She's wrong.
She's adorable and determined as hell, but she's wrong. I can't hurt her, and I won't let anyone else. But as much as I need to send her back out the door, I need her here just the same.
"I'm sorry, Blake. I don't want to hurt you. No matter what, I just want to protect you."
The look in her eyes ignites every sense of desire within my soul. Her lips pull mine onto hers. She opens her mouth slightly as she presses her mouth, forcefully into mine. Her tongue and mine dance softly as I lay her body down onto the sofa. Her legs wrapped around my waist send me into a fit of arousal, and the sweat pants I have on are doing a shit job hiding it.
She rakes her hands up my abs and around my back as she lifts my gray t-shirt over my head. Her steady look into my eyes produces completely unfamiliar feelings, and the intimacy has my entire body on fire. I am silently cursing myself for not living in an alternate universe where I didn't have to bring her into all of the drama that is my life. I slowly kiss a trail down her neck and hover over her breasts, breathing them in, planting soft kisses. The look of adoration in her eyes and the soft moans coming off her lips are sending me close to edge as I pull back to slide down her jeans.
Her breath hitches as my fingertips hook around the top of her black lacy panties. My eyes haven't left hers, and I swear she is holding my entire heart in the palm of her hand, and I'm holding hers. Her hand wraps around the back of my neck, and she pulls my mouth onto hers. I slowly pull my pants off as I continue kissing her, sliding into her folds. She completely unravels. It's been too long since I've been inside her, and as badly as I want to take it slow, I'm afraid I'm incapable of doing so.
"You are so tight." I take long strokes as she digs her fingers into my back.
"Judson, I'm so close. Don't stop."
I couldn't stop even if I wanted to. I push into her, feeling her tighten around me. My name coming off of her lips louder and louder sends me into complete ecstasy.
I can't pull out of her. I can't even let go of her. This sudden need to be close, to be fully present with her in this moment, trumps everything else.
"Are you okay?" Her eyes are piercing straight through me, and her body language seems different than it ever has been before. Suddenly in the pit of my stomach, I feel worried. Dreading that the next thing out of her mouth will be something I don't want to hear.
"We didn't use protection, Judson."
Her words almost don't even process in my mind. I see the sheer terror on her face as a wave of guilt washes over her. For the first time in her eyes, I see something unfamiliar— regret.
She repeats herself, and the thoughts run through my head about a mile a minute as I try to come up with some explanation.
"I just got caught up. I really wasn't thinking." That is the best I can do.
"You weren't thinking about the possibility of making a baby? Isn't that what sex is meant to do?" She throws her words at me like an accusation, and honestly, the hostility in her voice pisses me off a little.
"I didn't see you stopping to think about it either." Her breathing starts to pick up as she shuffles away from me to throw her clothes back on.
I'm fucking twenty-eight years old and have never had sex without a condom. I didn't even care to ask her. Truthfully, I had never pictured a life that didn't involve her in it long term, so I had already planned kids with Blake.
"We should be okay. It's not the time of the month I should get pregnant."
"I wouldn't mind if you did get pregnant, Blake."
I can't believe I just said that out loud.
"I already fucked this up once. How could I be so stupid, so irresponsible and reckless." Her voice is so low, it's almost a whisper, and I can't help but grab her by her cheeks.
"I love you. Let's just trust that there is a plan for us, and we can't know it ahead of time. It will be okay."
She nods, leaning her forehead against my chest.
"I'm sorry I freaked out on you. You've just been so up and down lately, and that would be the last thing you need to deal with, Judson."