She seems to ponder it for a moment. Then, I expect her to refuse. I shouldn’t have dropped it on her so suddenly. Although that does make a lot of sense in the long run. I wasn’t sure she’d be a good fit, but seeing how she is with Marley, really puts my mind at ease that she’s the one taking care of my girl while I’m working.
“I do feel tired,” she finally says. “And the traffic is a drag.” She smiles at her own words.
I feel like I managed to explain myself up to a certain point, but honestly, that’s not how I wanted her to stay. It’s best just not to think about it at all.
“But I don’t have anything here,” she continues. “Toothbrush, clothes…”
“We have extra toothbrushes,” I assure her. “Clothes as well. The guestroom has its own bathroom, there are towels in there, whatever you need.”
She hesitates. Her dark eyes stare me down, as if demanding proof that this is a good idea.
“Are you sure?” she asks.
“It’s much later than usual,” I explain. “I could drive you home, but that will leave us with very little time to rest, as you know that I’ll be out of town tomorrow and need you to look after Marley all day. I need to start pretty early.”
She nods. I thought she might have forgotten, but I should have known better than that. I really wish I didn’t have to go, but I’ve been putting this meeting off for weeks. I can’t cancel. Luckily, I reminded Marley as well and promised her an entire weekend together, anywhere she wants. I guess I’ll be stuck in some petting zoo nightmare for 48 hours but if that’s what will put a smile on her face, then that’s what I’ll do.
“Come,” I tell her, seeing that she is still hesitant. “We’ll do it like that just for tonight. Then, we’ll discuss it for long term.”
That seems to appease her. I thought it’d be a good idea, but I keep forgetting that young people like their freedom. She probably can’t wait for the evening, so she can go home, and now I’m forcing her to stay. I’m really reconsidering this offer as I’m walking down the hallway, towards the last room to the left, which is to be hers. Which was to be hers. Now I’m not so sure.
I stop first, allowing her to enter.
“I’ll bring you some clothes to sleep in. And a toothbrush,” I add. “Like I said, everything should be in there. If there’s something else you need, I’ll be in my study.”
I turn to leave and start walking. A part of me wants to be called back but for what reason, I don’t know.
I know.
I know, and I refuse to say it. It shouldn’t happen. It shouldn’t be.
I go to my wardrobe and find an old t-shirt she can sleep in.
Inappropriate? Totally.
I try to tell myself that it’s just a t-shirt, but the thought of someone so young, so beautiful, so tempting sleeping in the same thing I wore a while back makes my balls tighten.
I banish the thought away. I return to the guestroom with the t-shirt and toothbrush, expecting to find closed doors but they’re open. I can hear the sound of running water in the bathroom. I walk in slowly, place the stuff on the bed, then tiptoe back out, feeling like a thief in my own home.
I close myself off in my study. Knowing I won’t get any work done, I head to the liquor cabinet and pour myself some scotch. I swirl the yellow liquid, listening to the soothing sound of the clinking ice cubes against the glass, then I down it in one thirsty gulp. The liquid glides down my throat like a cat, going the wrong way and trying to claw its way back up but it’s strangely soothing at the same time.
Everything about me is a contradiction right now.
I slump into my chair with another glass. I take my time with this one, just like I take my time with everything in life. Then I realized that I took too much time, and some opportunities have passed me by, never to return again but by the time you realize this, it’s too late and you’re left empty-handed.
I take another sip, thinking about nothing and everything at the same time, about the past and the present, about the future that could have been and the future that will never be.
The unforgiving liquid fills the scorching void deep inside of me, only for a second. I click the tip of my tongue against my upper lip, when suddenly, there is a knock on the door.
“Yes?” I call out, expecting to see Marley, but instead, there is Lilly pushing the door only slightly open.
Her long legs are visible underneath the hem of my t-shirt, which on her looks like a mini dress. There are two apple-sized curves on her chest, with a slight pointy protrusion on both of them. She is leaning against the door, waiting to be invited in, the soft light falling over her face.
“Sorry…” she says apologetically. “I uhm… there is no toothpaste.”
“Oh,” I say, feeling caught off guard, unable to take my eyes off her.
I know I’m staring at her. I know it, and there’s nothing I can do about it.