She nodded again.
Her eyes were on me. Those big, blue eyes, the color of the sea. I remembered them well. Maybe too well.
I walked out of the room, forcing myself to walk slowly.
Dana was waiting for me in the kitchen, running through a few things on the diary. I had told her I wanted to get some sleep, but I knew I would not be able to get any rest now. My mind was racing, filled with thoughts about Natalie. Things I knew I should not be thinking about. When I drove back from work, all I could think about was getting into bed. But sleep was the last thing on my mind now.
“So, you’re happy with her?” Dana asked, clearly sensing something was going on but unsure what it was.
“I don’t know,” I said. I wasn’t sure what to tell Dana exactly.
“She does have experience with kids with all kinds of backgrounds and conditions,” Dana said. “She worked at a center for kids with autism and learning difficulties. And her references were great.”
I expected nothing less. But I did wonder why she worked as a nanny. With her qualifications, Natalie should have been able to work at a top school anywhere in the country.
I kept my face blank, pretending to stare at my phone screen. But I knew Dana would not have an inkling what was going on inside of me.
I had learnt to hide my true feelings a long time ago.
“You have to go back to the office,” I said. “I need you there.” Dana could help temporarily with Ethan, but it wasn’t the best use of her skills. Ethan didn’t like her and became more irritable when he was around her. “Let’s see how it goes for a few days with the new girl,” I said, getting myself some water from the fridge. “Now, tell me, did the guys test those pages again?”
I purposefully steered the conversation back to business.
Shortly afterwards, Dana left.
I listened to her car driving off, the wheels crunching on the gravel.
I slowly walked out of the kitchen, towards the living room.
The door was open. I could hear the soft murmur of Natalie’s voice talking to Ethan.
I couldn’t believe she was really here. In my house. Under my roof again, after so many years.
I didn’t know what to think.
When we broke up five years ago, there had been some unfinished business. I had acted quickly, too quickly. I had always been good at making decisions fast. I could leave anything, anyone behind. If it threatened me in any way, I could walk away without a moment’s remorse. I had always been able to keep my goals in clear sight in front of me. I would not let anything, or anyone distract me.
I looked out of the back window at the garden, beautifully maintained by a gardener I never had to see. My fridge too, was stocked with healthy meals, prepared by a cook who left by the time I got back from work. I didn’t like most people.
But I liked Natalie. I had always liked Natalie.
That was a problem.
I had to remind myself that she was weak and that this was a flaw. I had not come to this place in my life by tolerating weakness. Allowing her back into my life, even like this, was a mistake. I had needed time to thinkabout it. In the silence of my kitchen, a vast space of gleaming surfaces that I had remodeled myself to suit my taste and my preferences, I knew what I had to do.
I sent a text to Dana.
Start looking for a new nanny.