“I’ve made up my mind and you have a choice. You can be in our lives or not. It’s up to you, but you will have to apologize to Lauren for that stunt you pulled. I’ll go back and get a few things for you.”
Perhaps I had been too harsh with my mother, I thought as I left, but I felt I had to get the message across. I had to do it now, while I still could.
In the car on the way to the house, I thought about Lauren and the last couple of days in Colorado. I knew that I wanted to ask her to marry me. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and our child. Lauren made me happy in the way that nobody ever had, in the way no spreadsheet or profit margin had been able to do. The thought of our baby, growing inside of her, gave me such joy as I hardly knew how to express.
Earlier, I had trailed after Rosario, who had gone into my mother’s private rooms. I looked at her sitting room with its antique table where I had seen my mother write in her diary and do her accounting. I noticed a television set and some books on the table. It made me uncomfortable to be in this space, and I was loathing going into her bedroom. My mother and I had never been close, despite my father’s death. One might have thought that his death would have brought us together and I think that was what I wanted at the time. But my father was the warm, jovial one. She was quieter and more controlling. I looked at the obsessively tidy bedroom and wondered if perhaps her neurosis had gotten the better of her. I had craved attention from her and in the absence of love, I had to do with her approval. The only way to get it, was to do as she’d told me. It was a conditional love and she had used it to control me.
I could see this now.
I also realized that I no longer needed it.
From the safe at the house, I removed my grandmother Alice’s engagement ring. After she died, my mother told me that it was mine togive to the woman I was to marry. It was a rather old-fashioned diamond ring, bought by my grandfather before he became the wealthy investor. She had treasured this ring, my mother said, because it had reminded her of their love before the wealth, my grandfather’s drinking, and his pomposity.
I was going to propose to Lauren tonight as soon as I’d made a last quick stop at the hospital. I didn’t even intend seeing my mother. I would give the nurses the bag with her things and leave for the hotel.
When I got to the hospital, however, the nurse I’d seen earlier came over to me and pulled me aside. She said my mother had been very upset after I left and that they had given her something to help her sleep. “She kept saying how it wasn’t supposed to be this way. When I asked her what she meant, she became quite distressed.”
I didn’t know what to say.
“She loves you very much,” the nurse said, touching my arm and squeezing it. “But she doesn’t know how to show it.”
She looked me in the eye, and I had to look away.
I didn’t know what to say to that.
She was right, of course. We had never been comfortable with emotion in our family. My mother thought it was a sign of bad breeding to show too much emotion. She preferred sarcasm and irony to get her point across. I couldn’t recall her ever hugging me as a child. She never tucked me in or kissed me goodnight. There was always a nanny to do that. I also had a problem with my emotions, showing anyone what I felt. It was only with Lauren that I felt I could truly be myself and share my thoughts. Since meeting Lauren and being more open with her, I’d found the courage to be more honest in other parts of my life as well. Admitting to how much I hated working at Egal, for instance, and seeing that I wanted to leave the company.
I handed my mother’s bag to the nurse, and she told me she’d see to it that my mother would get it.
“We’ll keep a close eye on her tonight,” She promised me.
I drove to the hotel thinking about what the nurse said. I realized that she was probably right and that however, twisted, and strange, my mother did love me. I loved her too, but that didn’t mean I had to allow her to dictate to me how I should lead my life. She had a choice now and while I hoped she made the right one, a part of me was willing to accept that maybe she would not. Perhaps she would choose anger and bitterness over me. The important thing was that I would not. I would no longer carry the anger and resentment of my childhood and upbringing with me. I was ready to let it go.
I couldn’t wait to see Lauren at the hotel.
She had told me she was going to see her mother and I thought of the conversation they’d have. Her mother might try to discourage her from coming to stay with me at the hotel. I arrived at the hotel and took the elevator up to my suite near the top. I hadgiven Laurenmy key card and had to ask for another one at reception.
When I opened the door to my room, I looked around and saw it was empty.
No Lauren.
I felt my heart sink.
I thought she would be here.
I’d wanted her to be here so badly.
Then the bathroom door opened, and Lauren came out.
“Matthew! I didn’t hear you come in.”
I took her in my arms and held her against me. My heart was thudding in my chest. The thought that she might not have been here had been terrifying.
“I want us to be together, now and forever,” I said. “Will you marry me, Lauren? Be my wife?”
She looked at me, stunned. But then her face lit up as she said, “Yes, of course!” and we kissed for what felt like an eternity.
When we broke apart, she wanted to know how it had gone at the hospital.