His heart was racing and it was exhilarating, like the moment before the big drop on a rollercoaster. He was worried too, and Atlas wanted to hit the brakes again as he looked around his apartment.
How many ways could you signal that sex didn’thave tohappen? He’d pulled out extra throw blankets for the sectional and had stocked up on all the best junk food for movie marathons. The basket of controllers was right next to the TV and everything was charged and ready to go in case Declan wanted to play video games. Atlas had even left his plushiest sweatshirt and joggers on the dresser in the guest room, in case Declan forgot to bring loungewear.
His phone vibrated in his pocket and Atlas’s stomach flipped as he read Declan’s text message. “He’s here!”
Atlas had told Declan how to get into the building and exactly where to park and which elevator to take, but he still dashed to his door and down the hall. His thick gray socks skidded on the marble floor, just as the door opened.
He was expecting Declan to be in one of the few t-shirts he owned and a pair of jeans, so Atlas hadn’t dressed up. But he felt self-conscious in a pair of jeans and an old Northwestern sweatshirt. What if he looked like he was trying too hard? Would Declan think he had bad taste in clothes? They’d gone out a handful of times, but Atlas had met Declan after work, in one of his suits. And he had a pass for the game because he wore a jersey.
Declan was smiling and obviously didn’t care as he bit back a nervous squeal and reached for Atlas. “Hey! I almost talked myself out of coming about a thousand times. I can’t believe I’m here.” He was laughing and Atlas could feel him shaking as they hugged.
This is love.
Being so anxious you can’t think straight while craving the safety and comfort of his smile and the smell of his hair.
“I’ve been overthinkingeverything,” Atlas confided as he held Declan tight and breathed him in. His nerves settled to a state that felt nearly normal almost immediately and Atlas was justhappyto have Declan to himself for so long without Lake Cliff looking over his shoulder or weighing on his mind.
Declan leaned back in Atlas’s arms. “Why are we like this?” He asked, making Atlas laugh.
“I don’t know! Come on.” He took Declan’s backpack and put an arm around him, steering them down the hall.
“Could we…notfor the weekend? It would be so much simpler,” Declan mused.
“What do you mean?”
“Well…” Declan’s nose scrunched. “What if we could stop overthinking everything and worrying about what the other person is thinking? I can calm down and communicate with everyone else like a competent adult. Why can’t I do that with you?”
“Ah.” Atlas nodded, waving for Declan to go first when they reached his door. It was still open and Atlas found himself holding his breath when Declan took a careful step over the threshold. “Why indeed?” He exhaled slowly, steadying himself as he shut the door. “I’m really glad you’re here and I’ve been kicking myself because I wasn’t clear about my expectations for this weekend. I don’t want us to rush this. You mean too much and I’d miss you if I messed this up.” Atlas offered Declan a sheepish smile as he held out a hand. “Let’s put your backpack in the guest room.”
“Could you help me buy a car this weekend?” Declan blurted. His hand closed around Atlas’s and it practically vibrated; Declan was still so nervous.
“Sure. Of course. Why?” Atlas asked as he pushed open the first door on the right.
“Oh.” Declan’s brows pulled together and he frowned. “That’s very nice.”
“What’s wrong?” Atlas scanned the room and nothing seemed out of order. The bedding looked crisp and bright. He’d ironed the pillowcases and duvet and the view was perfect as the setting sun reflected off the windows across the street, filling the room with soft purples and oranges. The fresh lilies on the bedside table were an elegant touch, Atlas thought.
“Nothing! I just…” Declan licked his lips nervously. “I don’t really care about cars and I’m used to not needing one. But I probably should get one since I’ll be driving back and forth all the time. I can’t keep borrowing Sage’s car, especially if I decide to take a job here.”
“So you are staying?” Atlas asked quickly, then bit down on his lips.
There was a loud gulping sound from Declan. “I… I’d like to. Would you…like that?” Declan’s voice cracked and his eyes watered as they avoided Atlas’s.
“Yes!” Atlas nodded and his laugh was watery as he gathered Declan in his arms. “I didn’t want to put any pressure on you, but I was so afraid of getting my hopes up and getting my heart broken if you decided you didn’t want to stay. You can start over anywhere and you deserve the world. I didn’t know if I had any right or if it was too soon to ask you to stay for me.”
“Stay for you?” Declan gasped, shaking his head in disbelief. “I didn’t think I had much of a chance. I still don’t know why you’d want me.”
“Dec.” Atlas gave up thinking and worrying and just kissed Declan as hard and as honestly as he could. He put every ounce of hope and hunger he could into that kiss, letting Declan feel just how much Atlas loved and wanted him.
“OK…” Declan was dazed when Atlas finally released him. His hands had twisted in Atlas’s sweatshirt and Declan swayed unsteadily as he blinked back at him. “What if I started over here and just loved you for the rest of my life? Could I do that?”
“I’d like that.” Atlas wrapped his arms around Declan and started to back him into the guest room, then turned them. “My room,” he said, lifting Declan. His legs wound around Atlas’s waist and they were urgent as they lapped at each other’s tongues and crashed into walls. They fell into Atlas’s bed, breathless and giggling as they wrestled out of their clothes. “Give me a minute. Condoms in the bathroom,” Atlas huffed, twisting and pushing his jeans down. He kicked until his feet were free, then dove in for another kiss before he had to leave Declan. “Be right ba—”
“Wait.” Declan held onto Atlas’s face and chased his lips. “Do we need them?” He squeezed his eyes shut, his face turning red as he squirmed beneath Atlas. “I haven’t ina whileand I’ve only tried it a few times with a few people. But my last labs were all clear and negative,” he said in a mumbled rush.
“Right…” Atlas said, stalling while his brain went haywire. He couldn’t think of a single reason why they couldn’t.
“We can wait if it’s too soon!” Declan insisted.