“No, sir,” Atlas murmured. “This would definitely be one of those situations, but I think I would have fought harder or at least felt worse if I hadn’t been so afraid for Declan. I feel like I crossed a personal line and I’m worried about what else I might compromise for him.”
“How about everything but your integrity and your soul?” His father challenged. “I know you won’t sell out your country or your fellow agents, but you go ahead and give whatever it takes to protect the man you love and the future you want with him.”
That wasn’t what Atlas was expecting. “What about doing the right thing?”
“Who says they’re mutually exclusive? You think I wouldn’t run into a burning building or tell the school board to kiss my ass if your mother needed me? Being a good agent shouldn’t stop you from being a good partner or husband. If it does, you need to ask yourself if you’re in the right line of work because one day, work won’t be there. And neither will Declan if you don’t put him and your relationship first.”
“What if putting Declan first isn’t in line with the mission or the FBI’s priorities? I’m afraid of what’s going to happen the next time there’s a conflict of interest.”
“Then, I’d recommend you take a closer look at the FBI’s priorities and listen to your heart. It’s never steered you wrong and you better not forget that the FBI isn’t looking out for your best interest. It never has. You’re a star quarterback and they’ll love you as long as you keep winning for them. You gotta think about what comes after the FBI is done with you, too.”
Atlas’s head was heavy as he nodded. He’d always done his best to make his parents proud. But they wanted more for him than a stellar career. “I hear you. It’s just that Sloan has a lot of faith in me. I don’t want to let him down.”
“I don’t see how you could, knowing Paul the way I do. He sees a lot of himself in you and I know for a fact that man has never put the bureau before his friends and his husband. He wouldn’t want you to either.”
“Paul’s good at balancing his personal business and the bureau’s. I don’t know if I’m that flexible or that talented,” Atlas admitted.
“Of course, you are. I don’t know why you’re overthinking this. Have you thought about talking to Paul?”
“No. He’ll give me a friend’s advice, not a seasoned agent’s advice, and I’ve already got too many friends and my parents telling me to go for it.”
Byron laughed. “‘There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stop thinking and start doing.’It’s gonna be hard to get a dissenting opinion on this because we all care more aboutyouthan your career. Not that any of us are worried about that. You’ve always kept a cool head and gone with your heart. You’ll do that again with Declan and everything will turn out fine with Lake Cliff and the FBI.”
That alone was enough to ease Atlas’s conscience and some of his concerns. His father hadn’t said anything he wasn’t thinking or hadn’t heard from half a dozen people, but Atlas believed him when he said everything would turn out fine. His mother had taught Atlas that he was an unstoppable force and could achieve anything if he wanted it enough. But it was his father who taught Atlas to take his time and that anything worth winning required focus and real effort.
He had avoided dating and had put his love life on hold because he didn’t want the complications that came with relationships. And Atlas didn’t think it would be fair to his partner if he couldn’t commit 100% of himself. But he’d gone and fallen head over heels for someone very complicated.
Don’t blame that on Declan!
Atlas mentally wagged a finger at himself. He’d told Declan a hundred times that he was innocent and had nothing to do with his father and brother. But there Atlas was, keeping Declan at arms’ length for a myriad of reasons that had nothing to do with him.
Everything was so simple with Declan when it was just the two of them, though. Atlas could see how sensitive Declan was and how severe his anxiety and depression were without looking at his medical records. He noticed Declan’s deep breaths and balled fists and there was no missing the way he glanced longingly at doors when the room got too loud or too many people talked to him at once. So it was touching and meant the world to Atlas, having that unique connection with Declan.
And when they were alone and Declan felt bold enough to tempt Atlas… His body burned and ached when he remembered the kiss they shared at Blake and Speed’s wedding. He felt so right in Atlas’s arms and it would have beengood.It would have changed everything and Atlas realized that as soon as Ezra and Sage discovered them. His conscience and his professionalism grabbed Atlas by the scruff. He saw not only the potential damage to his career and reputation, but the strain their relationship could put on Declan.
How was Declan supposed to start fresh and put Winterstone and the Westies behind him when Atlas was still chasing after gangsters and assassins? Atlas wasn’t good at clocking out and leaving work at the office. And even if he could, he was a living, breathing reminder of why Declan had come to Lake Cliff and Atlas was there when Frank Leary died. He was the one who sifted through Winterstone’s and the Learys' lives to determine who was complicit and who was innocent.
His head started spinning again. Atlas’s cheeks puffed out and he widened his eyes at the screen. “Maybe I should become a priest,” he said, causing Byron to burst into laughter.
“Then, you’d be having a different crisis of conscience and you’d be running away from the FBIandDeclan.
“What if the FBI is what’s standing between me and Declan?”
“Slow down!” Byron said, chuckling softly as he picked up the phone. “You’re rushing ahead and assuming the worst. I don’t think Declan’s going anywhere. From what I’ve heard, he’s just looking for a reason to stay.”
Atlas rolled his eyes.Why did I allow them to adopt Paul?He had perfectly good parents in St. Louis, but Paul and Atlas’s parents adored each other. Atlas had introduced them at his graduation from the academy and Paul did his best to say hello to at least one of his parents whenever he was in Chicago. Paul also kept Atlas’s mother up to date on all the juiciest Lake Cliff gossip.
“I can’t ask him to commit to a whole life here when we haven’t even been on a real date! What happens if it doesn’t work out?”
“I hate to ask the obvious question, but why haven’t you gone on a real date?”
“I’ve been slowly working us up to it. It was easier for Declan if we were just getting pizza because he was in town with Sage and I was in the neighborhood. Or, if I had an extra ticket to the game. I haven’t figured out how to ask him without creating a stressful situation for Declan.”
“Well… One of you is going to have to rip off the Band-Aid at some point.”
“I know, but there’s no going back once we do and there’s so much at stake for both of us.”
“There’s more at stake if you don’t, son. Don’t forget that nothing’s promised. We don’t know how much time we have with the people we love. Stop wasting time looking for obstacles because you’re scared to take a chance.”