I realize now without her constantly looking over my shoulder; I’m becoming someone else. It’s only been a few weeks, but so much has happened, so many changes that I never expected. “You still haven’t said what you plan on doing once we find out who it is.” Alexis bit into an apple as the three of us kept our heads close so that no one else could hear.
“I’m still not sure yet. Short of physical violence, there isn’t much I haven’t imagined doing to her for the pain she’s caused.” We spent the next few minutes jokingly coming up with ideas. This is the kind of stuff I’d missed out on in high school. Until Jess came along, I was always the odd man out.
Since most of the kids I knew had been with me since Pre-K, they’d spent years shunning me since they knew the score, that mom would destroy any bond I tried to form…. I had to pull my mind back from going there again. It’s been happening more and more lately, this budding resentment I feel towards her now that I see how other kids my age live.
We tabled the conversation for the time being when the others joined us. I was still feeling a bit raw where Cody was concerned, still nervous that I’d messed things up royally so early in our relationship, but his quick, easy smile when he saw me melted some of my uneasiness away.
“Hey baby, why didn’t you wait for me to pick you up from your class?”
“I didn’t know you still wanted to.” I looked down at my hands on the table. It’s true; after our little blip, I wasn’t sure how to navigate things any longer. There was a definite change between us, almost like Cody and Lisa before the picture fiasco and after.
I hadn’t felt as insecure before this, not with him, but now, I don’t know how to get back on that even footing we had. I wish I was the type to just move on as if nothing happened, to just pick up where we left off. But for the life of me, I honestly don’t understand how others do it.
The truth is, I’d failed my first test; that’s the long and short of it. I’d told myself I was falling in love with him, but at the first sign of trouble, I was ready to bail, and even though he’s forgiven me, I’m finding it hard to forgive myself. I’d promised my dad that once here, I’d start to live the way I’ve always wanted to. He’s the only one who truly understands what that means.
Even Jess, as close as we are, doesn’t know the half of it because I’ve been very good at hiding that side of myself for fear of being judged. But the truth is, when you’ve lived a life as sheltered as mine, you have a lot of free time to play ‘imagine if’ with every kind of scenario known to man.
I’ve seen every kind of mean girl trope in real life, some up close and personal, and believe me, no one does mean girl like the daughters of the wealthy, of which I am one. That’s something else I never felt comfortable with, my wealth, and no, I don’t mean my dad’s wealth, but my own.
I come from a long line of trust fund babies going back generations. In fact, in another month or so, mine would start paying out, or one of them will, I should say. So, on top of dad’s allowance, I’ll have access to funds that make it look like pocket change; if mom doesn’t find a way to stop it, of course.
I came out of my own head to find Cody staring at me with his brows raised. “What are you thinking about so hard?” Suspicious much? Even my inner voice was growing a backbone.
“Actually, you didn’t really get a chance to tell me about your dad the other night. How’s that going?” It was the right note to strike to take him off the scent without outright lying to him because there’s no way I’m going to tell him what I’m really thinking.
On the other hand, I still haven’t found a way to tell him that it was my dad who was running the program that was going to help his dad, so I guess in that aspect, this Susie person, if she was, in fact, the one responsible, had given me an out because it was only after I’d done it, that I realized maybe he wouldn’t appreciate me butting in. People tend to get snippy at things like that.
I had the perfect opening, the perfect opportunity to bring it up now while he explained with excitement, but the words got stuck in my lungs. Now I was second-guessing everything. What if, instead of being grateful, he got mad? What if it didn’t work and he blames my dad…. “I have something to tell you.” What the what?