I’m trying to show her that nothing could be further from the truth, that’s she’s the one I want to be with, but I have these moments, moments when I’m afraid. Afraid of going back to the way things were not too long ago, of shutting her out when I go through another rough patch and hurting her.
There are moments when it feels like I’m betraying the promise I made to myself before I came here and the fact that I need to concentrate on my football career now more than ever. But when I think of the alternative, of pushing her out of my life now that I’d found her, I get sick to my stomach.
Somehow, I know that if she were anyone else, I wouldn’t give it a second thought, but because she’s who she is, sweet, naïve, adorable Lisa, it scares me to think that I might hurt her someday down the line.
My thoughts had me reaching out to put my arm around her shoulders as she sat next to me reading. I kissed her hair and looked down at the book she was reading; it felt so damn natural, like we’d been doing it for years instead of a few short days.
We were in her dorm’s common area, which is the only other place she feels comfortable being alone with me, except for the library, where we’re surrounded by people. I don’t mind, not yet anyway; I’m enjoying the few stolen kisses we share each night before I leave her.
It’s as though with her, I’m starting over, learning the ropes from the ground up. In short, it feels like she’s the first girl I ever dated because everything seems new. In fact, I even hate thinking of any0ne else when I’m with her; I hate remembering all the others that came before her.
I’m not sure if that’s normal or not, especially for a guy. Just as I’m not sure if I should be this fucking pleased at the fact that she’s a virgin, that no one else has ever had her, that I’ll be the only one. It seems like a double standard since I wasn’t one and hadn’t been for a long time, but there you have it.
I haven’t come right out and asked, but I’m pretty sure I’m right. And though the thought of her being pure makes me hard for some reason, I haven’t made a move on her, not yet. I have this roadmap in my head of how I want things to progress between us.
But just as with most things in life, there’s no real blueprint for what to do when you’ve fallen in love for the first time, so I’m playing it by ear. For now, I’m going by feeling and by whatever cues she might give me.
Her slow-moving ass is keeping me on my toes; unlike the fast-paced rush of my early teens when getting to the good stuff was all I had on my mind, I find myself enjoying getting to know her first. The fact that I was willing to take the time to wait until she was ready says a lot because I’m pretty sure I never wanted anyone as much as I wanted her.
“What’re you reading now?” It didn’t look like one of the usual tomes she carries for those crazy classes she takes. I sometimes look at her and wonder how something that tiny could have that much knowledge in her little head. Silly, I know, but I have a hard time sometimes seeing the shy, sweet girl tackling the monster she was after.
She turned the book, so I could see the cover, and it was one of those girly things. I went back to reading the messages on my phone. I’d put out feelers for Susie on the lowdown because I found it strange that I hadn’t seen her among the point and stare crowd. I’m pretty hip to how her mind works.
She’d gone to ground in fear of my retaliation for the little game she played. But once enough time goes by, and nothing happens, she’ll convince herself that I didn’t figure that shit out, and she’ll show up again because she’s crazy.
I’m not looking for her because of that, though; I have to keep an eye on her every move because I know for a fact that once she hears about Lisa and I, she’s going to show her ass. And that’ll be just the excuse I need to drop her on her fucking head. But it might rattle my girl.
I know enough to know that she wouldn’t do well in a situation like this. I never brought Susie up to her and had forbidden my boys to ever mention her in her presence, but I knew that day was fast approaching. I hadn’t cared enough to deal with the situation before like I should have because I couldn’t find it in me to care. Now I’m wondering if that was a mistake.