She bit her lower lip nervously, something I couldn't remember ever seeing in her. "I know you don't believe me, and I don't blame you. The truth is that nothing I did was to punish you. I went with you to New York because I wanted to, because despite my best efforts, you had wormed your way into my heart."
A week ago, I would have been on my knees thanking the Lord for hearing those words. Even now, my heart wanted to burst open with love for her. But I fought against it.
"And I was going to tell you about the baby. On Thanksgiving.”
"You're right, I don't believe you." I lied, and I realized I’d just become the man she accused me of. A liar. The truth was, I did believe her. Kate wasn't the vengeful, scheming type. If she was angry, she let you know right then and there. But it didn't change the fact that she still didn't believe in me. She didn't trust me. Not with her heart, and not with our child.
She nodded and continued to stare out over the ocean. After a moment, she said, "Do you still want to tell me about Sandra and Chelsea?"
I almost laughed. "Why? It won't change anything."
Her face jerked to me, her eyes flaring with anger. "At least I'm trying here, Sam."
That time, I did let out a derisive laugh. "What the hell do you think I've been doing for the last couple of months? But you were right, what good does it do? It hasn't changed anything." I emphasized each word, letting her know that despite all my efforts, she had continued to keep me out. Oh, sure, she might have said that I wormed my way into her heart, but even that suggested I had forced my way in like an infestation. She hadn't opened her heart to me.
She turned away, but not before I saw the tears pooling in her eyes. They tugged at my heart, but I quickly snipped the strands of sympathy and guilt. We were here because of her.
Finally, she let out a shuddering breath. "I will text you the information about the next doctor’s appointment."
I gave a curt nod. "Good." I told myself that this was a good time to end the conversation, so I turned and headed back up toward my house. I held on tight to my righteous indignation even as with every step I took away from her, I had a growing sense of doing the wrong thing.
I didn’t heed the doubt and instead entered my back yard and marched up to my house. I went straight to my liquor cabinet and poured two fingers of scotch, hoping to burn away the guilt and doubt.
“Where’s Kate?” Max entered the room.
“Don’t ever play matchmaker again,” I growled.
“She didn’t respond well?”
She hadn’t been defensive like usual, but that didn’t mean anything. “I’m done.” I downed the scotch, the burn doing very little to dull the pain.
"Listen, Kate did wrong by running off and not listening and trusting you, and by not telling you about the baby, but all this started five years ago when you walked out on her for Sandra."
"What else was I supposed to do? I did exactly what our dad did. I did the right thing by her." I poured more scotch.
"How come you weren’t angry at her?"
“Who? Sandra? I was. I was pissed." I took the bottle and my glass to the couch, settling in for a long binge.
Max shook his head. “Not when she showed up with the baby. When she told you about the baby, you weren't pissed like you are now at Kate. Instead, you insisted that you and her and the baby would be a family."
An unsettling feeling grew in my gut.
"Not only are you pissed at Kate for not telling you she’s pregnant, but I don't think you have once offered to do the right thing, have you?"
I swallowed the scotch, feeling the burn, but the truth of Max's words remained. "I told her that I was going to be a part of this baby’s life. All of it. I’m not going to be an every-other-weekend dad."
"That's not what you told Sandra. If I were Kate and I was analyzing this, I’d think you never really loved me. At least not as much as Sandra."
"She’d be wrong." I growled it out.
"I know, but from her point of view, you dropped everyone and everything to be with Sandra, who waited until Chelsea was born to tell you, but you didn’t act like you are now with Kate.”
I glared at him. “It’s not the same. You know that.”
“All the more reason to wonder why you won’t step up for Kate. As far as I can tell, right now, you're doing the thing that she's been doing for the last few months. You’re trying to kill your feelings for her. How is that working?"
Not very well.