Sam was here, and if I could muster the courage to tell him how I was really feeling, maybe there'd be a chance for us. But as I looked into his green eyes, I could see that whatever we had was gone.
"So, tell me then," I said, taking a tiny step out into the area of vulnerability. If he rejected me here, I'd likely retreat.
He jammed his hands on his hips and smirked at me. "Why? It won't change anything." He tossed my words back at me.
I crossed my arms in front of me and turned toward the water, needing protection from his anger even though I deserved it.
"I was going to tell you. I will admit that at first, I wasn't sure, for all the reasons I think you already know. But then I planned to tell you on Thanksgiving, thinking it would be something to be thankful for." I slanted a glance toward him to see if my words were making an impact.
His jaw tightened, and he turned his head to look out over the ocean. Finally, he turned back. "And because you saw Sandra and Chelsea, you used it against me. Because of them, I didn't deserve to know?"
I closed my eyes, understanding now that he was lost to me.
"I wasn't thinking about the baby at that time."
"Of course not, because the only thing you care about is yourself, Kate. Congratulations. You've achieved your goal. I know I hurt you five years ago, and I regret that, but you’ve locked your heart up so tight, you won't let any love in. I feel sorry for you. But now you can go on and live your life exactly as you set out to live it. Without love. I just hope that you can find a little bit for our child."
I whirled around to him, gaping. Did he really think I was incapable of loving my baby?
"Where will you be?" I lashed out. "I don't see you acting like a father of the year with your other child."
It occurred to me that when Sandra had shown up with Chelsea, Sam had dropped everything, including me, to do the right thing. To make a family with her. He wasn't doing that with me. Sandra hadn't told him about Chelsea until after she was born, yet I don't remember seeing this anger in him toward her. It made me question everything he had been trying to make me believe over the last few months. It made it easier, lessened my guilt that I’d ended things.
He laughed derisively. "Chelsea is not my daughter. Jesus, even when I tell you the truth, you don't want to believe it. With all your harping on me about lies, you were the one who was lying. But let me tell you something, Kate. I'm going to be in our child's life, and I don't mean one of those every other weekend father-type things. I want to be at every doctor's appointment. I want to be there when it's born. I will have equal time raising it."
I might've yelled back, except my emotions were so wrought that I didn't think I could without bursting out into tears. So, I just did my best to hold it together and glared at him.
He shook his head. “If you would have told me on Thanksgiving that you are having a baby, I would've been over the moon. I would have thought that you had finally forgiven me, that finally, we could have a future together. But it was all in my head, wasn't it?"
I shook my head, but it was so imperceptible that he probably didn't notice. He turned away, stalking back to the restaurant before I could find the courage to tell him he was wrong.
Once he disappeared into the Sea Siren, my knees buckled and I sank to the sand. Bending my knees, I rested my forearms on them. I bent my head, laying my forehead on my arms, and started to cry.
A hand rubbed my back, making me jerk.
Lucy gave me a wan smile. "I came as soon as Ethan told me what he did. I take it Sam got here before I did."
I nodded, turning to look over at the water, resting my chin on my forearms. "He thinks everything I did was to punish him for five years ago, including not telling him about the baby."
"You told him that wasn't true, didn't you?"
I turned to look at her. "Sure, but why should he believe me?" I let out a humorless laugh. "It's true what they say. Karma is a bitch. All this time, he'd been trying to tell me the truth, and I didn't want to listen. I called him a liar back in New York. Even then, he tried to tell me, and I didn't listen. I can't really blame him for not wanting to listen to me."
Lucy continued to rub my back. "Emotions are raw right now. Give it time."
I shook my head. "You should've seen him, Lucy. Whatever he felt for me is dead and gone."
"There was a time that Ethan thought that about me. And yet, here we are. But honey, if there's a chance that you and Sam can have a future, you'll have to open up to him. You have to share what’s inside you and accept what he says is inside him."
"I know." I turned my head to look at her. "How do you do that?"
"Do you want to do that? Because in my mind, that has been the first hurdle. It hasn't seemed like you wanted to."
"I do want to. I have for a while, but I'm just too afraid. I don't ever want to feel like I felt the day he left me."
"And how do you feel now?"
I didn't say anything because she knew the answer.