"Why not?"
She looked at me again with the expression that told me I was an idiot. It said I knew why it shouldn’t have happened. It was because of what I did five years ago.
I put my hands on my hips and looked down, taking a breath as I worked to figure out what I could say or what I could do.
I lifted my head to look at her. "How do I win back your love?"
She sank down into her chair as if all the energy had left her. "It's not the love that has to be earned. It's the trust. And there's nothing you can do. I look at you, and all the pain and anger is right there, like it happened yesterday."
I knew this was my fault, and yet I couldn't stop myself from being frustrated that she wouldn't give me a chance to prove I was a better man now. I was smarter. I knew what I wanted, and I wouldn't ever let anything get in the way of that again. I wanted to tell her that but felt certain that my words would fall on deaf ears. "So what was this that just happened on your desk?"
"It was a mistake."
Clearly, I was a glutton for punishment the way I continued this conversation while everything coming out of her mouth crushed me.
"Please leave, Sam." Her voice sounded defeated. For a moment, I took it as a sign that I was wearing down and maybe if I pushed, I could change her mind.
She closed her eyes, rubbing two fingers against her temple, and I knew that pushing would only hurt my chances. She was in pain and clearly regretting what happened. Sticking around would only reinforce her feelings.
"All right. I'm going." Once again, I wanted to tell her how I was feeling, how much I wanted to try again. Instead, I turned and left her office and the club. I sat in my car until she came out and got into her car and drove away so I could know she was safely on her way home. Then I started my car and headed to my house.
There was no doubt that I wanted Kate in my life. If I continued on, surely, I would be able to wear her down. The fact that we had sex proved she still felt the connection between us even if she didn't want to.
But another part of me, I suppose it was my pride, felt if she couldn't see my sincerity, the truth of my words, then the heck with her.
Yes, I fucked up, but couldn’t she forgive me?
She wouldn’t even let me explain what happened. We might've had sex, but she didn't hold back her anger and resentment toward me. She was clear that there was nothing I could do that would change her mind.
By the next morning, I’d decided that maybe it was time to give up.
It didn't matter that I still loved her or that the connection between us continued to exist. She wasn't going to allow herself to trust me again.
Would it have been different had I been able to find her five years ago?
It was hard to know. Pondering the would've, should’ve, could’ve question didn't matter, anyway. Kate gave me her answer. It wasn't what I wanted, but what else could I do?
I turned my energies back into finding a suitable club location for Max and me. Over the next week, the agent Ethan referred me to showed me several lots and vacant building locations along the coast of California, even as far north as Santa Barbara. The best one was located closer to Santa Monica. At one point, the place had been a dive bar, but when Max and I were done with it, it would be the new hot place for hip people to go for drinks along the beach.
I sent the information to Max, and within a few days, he flew out to tour the location with me.
"This place is a shit hole," Max said as we looked around the building. “No offense,” he said to the realtor.
She shrugged. “None taken.”
“The location is great, and the bones of the building are good. I’ve already asked Zach to take a look. Most of the work is cosmetic, and besides, considering all the tech stuff we’ll be putting in, any place we bought would require an overhaul."
Max’s gaze scanned the open room that smelled like urine and stale beer. "Well, if we can get the smell out, I agree with you."
"Shall I draw up the papers?” the agent asked.
I nodded. We arranged to meet with her later that afternoon to make an offer on the place.
“I’m hungry, how about you?” I asked Zach when she left.
"I wouldn’t mind something to eat."
We left the building and got into the car I bought recently so I didn’t have to borrow Zach’s anymore.