Feri wound himself around the back of my neck but said nothing. I appreciated the little beast’s silence. He must have been listening. What could one say after a conversation like that?
Nothing.
Rhoan had emptied his heart and horrors to me, and my first thought had been of how I could use the mark against him. Guilt sat heavy in the pit of my stomach. It turned into a weight that made my feet drag against the ground.
I had nothing that I really wanted to ask of him. My only desire would be to make him stop asking me to start a war. If he wanted to fight, I would let him have it…No, I wouldn’t. There was a balance in Lakesedge that I couldn’t risk upsetting right now.
I just wanted them all to stop. I wanted Rhoan and Feri to stop begging me for war. I wanted the assassins to leave me alone. I wanted Beryl to understand that she wasn’t in danger.
I paused and crouched, clutching the sides of my head as I fought back a scream. Feri scrambled off my shoulders and scurried away. The scream built in my throat.
A door slammed open in the back of my mind. Memories came pouring forth. There’d been gentle gardens. The waters had glimmered like pools of gemstones. My mother’s laugh rang like cheery bells. The sound of it brought my father out of hiding. He would sweep her into his arms and kiss her passionately.
Once upon a time, a family had been happy.
I shoved the memories back with ones of my own family. Molly James cheered me from the sidelines at the school swim-meet. Jasper James taught me how to drive a stick shift. They played friendly pranks on me every Christmas. One year, Dad wrapped the biggest box he could find. Inside it had been another, wrapped box. In that had been…you guessed it, another wrapped box.
We’d laughed so much that year. They were my real family. This ghostly image of a sparkling fairy court meant nothing to me. It was a fanciful dream compared to my reality. Why should that court mean anything to me when I spent years with Alvin Combs? The fae hadn’t been there to stop him from hurting us. Jasper James had been the one to stand between us and danger.
Two worlds had me in a chokehold. For a moment, I thought about visiting my parents. I didn’t want to bring danger to their doorstep, though. There were still assassins hot on my heels. I had one other heavily-warded refuge to hide in.
When I looked up, I found myself wrapped in a cocoon of growing things. Plants twisted together to become an eggshell barrier between me and any danger. I reached towards it, and it unfurled to caress my hand.
No matter how I wanted to believe that I was part of the Lakesedge Pack, I wasn’t a shifter. It was becoming more and more obvious, and I hated it.
Still, I made my way to Ness’s place. There, I let myself in and took up a corner of the couch, pulling a pillow close so I could clutch it tight. After a while, Ness came out and found me. She must have caught my scent on the air. She curled up beside me while others moved in and out of the Pack hub.
I let go of my arcana and let it suffuse the hanging house plants. It reached out into the garden out back, making it flourish all over again despite the shifting autumn weather. I sighed as my power stretched like a tired cat.
“What brought you here?” Ness asked with her head on my knee.
I grumbled. Words piled up inside my skull, but I didn’t know how to shake it to let them out yet. We sat there together for a long while, silence comfortable like a weighted blanket. Eventually, I would have to cast it off when it became too much.
By then, Ryder appeared. He leaned in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest and a gentle smile on his face. He would be a father, soon. He and Ness were expecting their first child. It would be an adorable little shifter, likely a dragon just like Ryder.
But all I could think about was the day that Alvin held me by the throat and neither of them moved to stop him. Logically, I knew they’d hesitated to pull me free of Alvin’s grasp in order to keep him from hurting me. It hadn’t really worked out the way they’d wanted, though. Alvin had fractured bones. He’d covered me in bruises and scars that I would never be free of.
I swallowed my bitterness. It wasn’t fair, and I knew it. The frustration from everything going on was getting to me, and I couldn’t let it poison my friendships. I had to shove it back down.
Locking eyes with Ryder, I asked, “Can you help me get an audience with Queen Beryl? I need you to make it sound like I have an offer she won’t be able to resist.”
Ryder’s lip curled. While he and Beryl were allies, it wasn’t out of friendship or trust. It was for the safety of Lakesedge, and nothing more.
Ness sat upright. She gave me a worried look. The way her lips pursed together, I knew she had a command waiting behind them, but she kept it to herself out of respect for our friendship.
They weren’t going to help me. I could tell already, but that didn’t stop me from charging ahead. If Rhoan wouldn’t help me, if Feri wouldn’t help me, then I neededsomeoneon my side.
“She might listen to you,” I said. “All I need is a chance to talk her down.”
Ryder erupted. “Talk her down? There’s no talking with that woman! She has everything planned out for you. She’s nothing but a spider with a sticky web. If you think you’re going to go in there and trick her, then you’re going to get killed.”
I shot up from my seat with my hands balled at my sides. “I don’t have any other choice! You aren’t being pestered by everyone in your life. They’re not telling you to go on a crusade for a family you can’t even remember. I can’t turn around without running into someone trying to kill me.”
Every bone in my body trembled with rage. I was tired of being everyone’s punching bag. I didn’t want to be a martyr for anyone. All I wanted was a life to myself. That’s the very least that I deserved at this point.
But it seemed like no one wanted to help me. My breath shuddered. I was all alone. When I looked at Ness, she gave me pleading eyes. She sided with her husband. He’d warned me before that he didn’t want a part in this, but I’d hoped that someone would be willing to stick out their neck the way I’d had to in the past.
“Let us help you find another way,” Ness said, putting a hand on my arm.