Sawyer takes my hand, kissing it before leading me from the room, and I’m very aware of everyone’s eyes on me. This is probably a bad idea, especially since Chase and Theodore have called a ‘family meeting’ to discuss my supposed upcoming nuptials, but I don’t stop him.
Why would I?
I don't want to be engaged. I didn’t even agree to it, so I have zero desire to live up to Chase’s expectations. And for all intents and purposes, Sawyer and Asher have been the only constants in my life since I arrived here. Asher even more so than Sawyer.
I’m aware that I’m spiraling in my mind, but better on this than the other mess I’m carrying.
At least with this, I can be angry at Travis and Cole for not telling us about it.
It still blows my mind that they didn’t tell the twins about their dads' stupid plotting.
You wouldn't have thought from the outside looking in that the four of them have never kept anything from each other. But what I'm discovering, the more time I spend with them, is that looks are deceiving.
While they are as close as can be, everybody has their own nuances.
Cole's relationship with his dad is absolutely baffling to me, especially with the little things that I've seen. It’s like when I saw Chase bitching Travis out in his office, talking about how much of a disappointment and a let down he is.
I don't understand how he can put up with everything his dad does, hate what he stands for and still strive to be just like the man. The way he chases after his dad’s approval, disregarding the cost—even if it’smyfuture—blows my mind.
I shake my head, aware that I can’t afford to go down this rabbit hole either.
It's finals week next week, and I have so much studying to do on top of being summoned to the mansion to discuss whatever it is that they want to talk to us about now.
"You okay?" Sawyer asks as we approach the cafeteria. I glance behind us, noticing Connor a step behind, before turning back to Sawyer and nodding.
"I’m fine," I tell him, and paint a smile on my face as we approach Penn. "Everything is totally fine."
* * *
I don't remember ever having been so stressed in my entire freaking life. And you might think that could be about my supposed engagement to Cole Beckett, you could think it would be about the fact that I killed my professor. You could, but you’d be wrong.
The most stressful part of my life right now is that it's Thursday of finals week. I have taken five of my finals already, but today? Today I have my Abnormal Psych final and even with Professor Crawford not here, it’s like he is haunting me from the grave and every detrimental thing he has ever said to me is circling in my brain.
I can't focus on anything, because all I can hear is his voice in my head, telling me how much I suck and how badly I'm going to fail.
I am officially a ball of stress. Scratch that, I’ve evolved from a simple ball of stress and progressed straight into a quivering mass of anxiety blanketed with insomnia and I’ve barely eaten all week. Asher has been losing his shit at me for days now because I've survived on coffee and cherry Lifesavers. Apparently, that isn't the best kind of diet to pass final exams.
What he obviously doesn't know, is that there have been weeks where I've survived on little more than water. But then, he’s never been in a situation where he’s had to fight to survive each day, not that that's something I'm going to start thinking about right now.
Because hi, hello, I have to finish this final today and actually pass. Otherwise, my life plan—albeit a somewhat new plan—is going to go completely off the rails.
If I fail this semester, I can already see Chase pulling the plug on my tuition, and all that will be left for me is this stupid arranged marriage to Cole because that is the option I’ve been handed.
Yeah, I am not down for that. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not anytime in the future. I refuse to be a trophy wife. Forever and ever. Amen.
So now I'm sitting here, in this hall, preparing myself for this final, trying to make my brain work. But all I can think of as I look down at the paper in front of me is,what are words?It feels as though I can't even read the words on the page, let alone comprehend how to string together a sentence to make the jumbled thoughts in my mind make sense to answer whatever the Hell it is that this thing is asking.
I take a deep breath, holding it for a few seconds before letting it out, trying to tell myself that this isn't the end of the world.
If I fail this final, at least Crawford won't be the one teaching the course if I have to retake it next year. That doesn't exactly sit that well with me because I'm very aware that fact is my fault, but I’m trying to find some sort of silver lining in this giant, fucked up mess.
And oh, look, there's my stress back again. Yay me.
I honestly thought that my US Government and Politics final would be the worst thing that could happen to me. That or, you know, Intro to Statistics. But it turns out that Asher and his math genius brain have somehow manipulated my ‘I hate math’ brain into being able to function with numbers.
The boy is a genius.
I don't know how he's managed to trick my brain, but he did and I’m not sorry about it. I mean, my Intro to Stats class was possibly the easiest one I've ever taken.