Letting out another deep breath, I dry my face and pad back out to the bedroom, Asher's t-shirt skimming the bottom of my ass. He’s still asleep when I reach the bed, but Sawyer is lying there, his arm tucked behind his head, watching me approach.
"Ready to get some more sleep, Sunshine?"
I give him a small smile and nod. Moving to straddle him since he just grins at me rather than moving, I shimmy back into my spot, Shadow yawning loudly as I tuck my feet back against him. He lifts his head and rests it on my feet as if telling me I can’t move again.
At least, even if everything else blows up in my life, I have this little ball of squish.
I get comfy and Sawyer turns behind me, his front pressed against my back, and bundles me in his arms again, pressing his lips against the bruise on my neck. "I hate seeing his handprints on you."
I wrap my arms around his and tighten his hold on me. "Me too, but I survived, and that’s what counts."
He presses his lips against my shoulder and I loosen a breath. I already know I’m not going to be able to sleep. It should be because I killed someone, it should be because I’m worried about what the guys did, it should be because we could all get caught.
Yet all I can focus on is the fact that I heard her voice when I was in danger, and that’s never happened before. Even when I’ve been in bad situations, I’ve kept her locked so far down that nothing but survival matters.
But I heard her, and I know it was just a trick of my mind. Logically, I couldn’t be more aware of it. But irrationally, I can’t let it go, despite knowing it’s not real.
I’m not the sort to go and find danger, but hearing her voice again… it might almost be worth it.
"What’s going on in that head of yours?" Asher murmurs, his eyes fluttering open in front of me, and Sawyer's hold on me tightens.
"You should be asleep," I whisper, and a tired smile dances on his lips.
"I could say the same about the both of you." He pauses as he stretches and turns so he’s fully facing me. "Now what was that look about?"
"Look?" I ask, trying to be coy, knowing exactly what he’s talking about.
He rolls his eyes at me and Sawyer laughs in response. "Oh, lord, not the eye roll."
"Yes, the eye roll," Asher snarks. "And you, Beautiful, the look like you’re about to run into a burning building. That look."
"Oh, that look," I respond quietly. I consider lying, but I’m so tired of lies and secrets between us, and I’m fairly certain that the twins haven’t lied to me once. I have no doubt they have secrets, but telling them some of this doesn’t really affect them or their lives. "That look was about Iris. My baby sister."
Asher glances over my shoulder at Sawyer, doing that twin conversation thing they do that nobody else is in on, but neither of them actually speak. Instead, Asher reaches forward and intertwines his fingers with mine before bringing my hand to his lips and kissing my skin softly. Neither of them push me to keep speaking, but it’s like hearing her voice, uttering her name, cracked the dam that I keep my memories of her behind.
"She was six years younger than me, a surprise for my mom, but she became the center of my universe. She was the light of my day, the spark of joy in the dark and twisty that was the rest of my existence. She gave me hope that things could be better. I could survive the bad stuff if it meant she didn’t go through it. I could deal with being hungry if it meant she wasn’t. She gave me hope, she gave me purpose… and then my mom killed her."
The words are like ash on my tongue. Everything turns bitter and the warmth leaves the room.
They both stay quiet while I work through my feelings, trying to find the words to tell them the truth of what happened. I close my eyes, because I can’t see the judgment or pity in their eyes while I tell them about her.
Tell them the reason that I’ll never be worthy of having the life being offered to me by being here at Saints U.
The reason that I should be rotting in a cell, that they should have just let me go to the police and be met with overdue justice.
"I went out one night. I was sixteen and my friend Emerson persuaded me that going out was the best thing to do. I was young and dumb, so I figured why not? What was the worst that could happen? My mom was home, so Iris would be safe. Or so I thought. I should have known better. Ididknow better, but I wanted to be a kid… just for one night." I pause, taking a shaky breath. "My mom might have killed her, but it was all my fault."
"Briar—" Asher starts, but I shake my head, knowing if I don’t tell them now that I never will.
"We weren’t far away, our part of the city was dingy and dirty, but it was home. Emerson just wanted to flirt with some guys a few streets over. When I heard the sirens blaring through the streets, I don’t know how I knew, but I just did. I ran home, knowing with every piece inside of me that something was wrong. Once I finally reached our ramshackle, crumbling one-story, I found the house ablaze and my mom outside lying on a stretcher, oxygen mask on her face as she was being put into an ambulance.
"I looked for Iris everywhere, but a cop had me in his grip. He wouldn’t let me get any closer to go and find her despite my kicking and screaming that I had to find my sister. There were people everywhere, but nobody would listen to me. All I could taste was the ash in the air as the smoke filled my lungs. Panic took over my entire body because, deep down, I knew. I knew even before I got there that she was gone.
"But it wasn't until I saw the tiny black bag being wheeled out of the house as the firefighters still worked on putting out the rest of the fire. In that moment, everything clicked into place for me. I found out later that my mom had tried to cook dinner. Except she got so high that she passed out. The stove caught fire and it took the entire house with it. She was found first because she was by the door, but Iris… her room was attached to the kitchen. The firefighter found Iris under her bed, the place where I told her to hide when things went bad so no one could find her, and she burned just like everything else in my life. It turned to dust, and I’ve never forgiven my mom, or myself for it. Tonight… tonight I heard Iris’s voice in my head, and I can’t figure out how I feel about it."
"Briar," Asher says softly, squeezing my hand as Sawyer holds me tighter. "I am so sorry about Iris… but that wasn’t your fault."
I shake my head, wiping away the errant tear that slips down my face. "It was my fault as much as last night was my fault. Some things cling to your soul forever and tear into it. It seems fitting that the biggest tear of my life was present for the second. Now I just have to learn how to live with more scars. But I survived everything else, I can survive this too."