“I love you,” she said with a smile. “I’ve been wanting to tell you ever since I knew, but I was worried you wouldn’t like it.”
He made a strange guttural sound and tried to cover his confusion by adjusting first her clothes and then his. But he couldn’t find any words to meet her slight frown when he next met her eye. He tried to smile but suspected, by her reaction, that it emerged more of a grimace than a smile. He moved away, first one step, and then another, before turning away and hating himself. Hating himself for reacting to her words like that, but he could no more deny his terror than fly.
“What’s the matter?” she asked. But she didn’t move.
He bent down and picked up his phone, tapping it back into life as it was a matter of utmost importance. He glanced up and shook his head before focusing on his phone once more.
“You’ve got that look again.”
He glanced up and held her gaze. “What look?”
“The same look you had when you realized you were trapped in the nursery and there wasn’t any way you could get out.”
He pressed his lips together and shook his head again. He walked over to the door and pushed it open, as if that would help him escape. Because Indra was right. Except this wasn’t anything physical. But it made him feel equally trapped. It seemed emotions were like that. Yes, he wanted her, but he didn’t want her to love him. He didn’t want anyone to cage him emotionally. He couldn’t deal with it. It made him vulnerable.
“Sebastian, don’t walk away from this, from me. Please, don’t do it.” Her voice was a strained whisper. “I knew I shouldn’t have told you I loved you. Because that’s it, isn’t it? That’s the thing you can’t deal with. That’s the thing which scares the life out of you, because you’ve never had it. Have you?”
He refused to answer. Refused to give any more of himself away. “I have to go. I have things to do.”
“Sebastian, listen to me. The only thing I want is to be here, with you. What I needed is for someone to believe in me and to challenge me to be the woman I could be, and not hide from the world. I want this marriage to work because I…” She trailed off and shook her head.
For a moment, his heart had nearly stopped, anticipating what she was about to say. He licked his lips. It was one thing not wanting her to leave, quite another for her to say the worst thing she could. He didn’t do love. Love was a trap—it always had been and it always would be. They could live together in peace with a joint vision of the estate. That was enough. It was more than enough to make a future together. Nothing further was needed.
She stepped towards him and placed one gentle hand on his arm. It wouldn’t have been enough to restrain anyone, but he didn’t move. He shook his head, took her hand, briefly kissed it and then let it fall and stepped away.
“I…” He twisted around. “I just need some time.” He took both her hands in his. “Indra, I’ve never, ever in my life wanted anyone more than you, but…”
“Now you have me, you want to run and keep on running?”
“I’m not running anywhere,” he growled, increasing the pressure on her hands.
“Of course, this is your home. You’ve waited a lifetime for it and you won’t leave it.”
“That’s not the reason I’m going to stay.”
“Then what is?”
She wanted him to tell her he had feelings for her, loved her even, but he couldn’t. The words jumbled inside of him, taunting him, trapped in a throat which suddenly felt blocked. The moments ticked by, keeping time with the old grandfather clock.
She pulled her hands from his. “Until you can tell me what you feel, I’ll stay away. Because I can’t deal with this.” She turned and stumbled out of the library.
And all Sebastian could do was stand and watch helplessly as she left.
Chapter11
Sebastian returned home late. As soon as Indra had left, he’d jumped into his sports car and hit the road again. He was hardly aware of where he was going, just drove first along the winding one-lane road, until he reached a larger road and, after following that for hours, hit the motorway where he put his foot down on the accelerator and tried to outrun his thoughts.
He found himself back in London, amid the noise and busyness where he might be able to lose himself in other people’s lives. He parked the car in his apartment block and hit the bars. He met old friends there and joined them at a strip club. But nothing touched him. Not his friends’ conversation and idea of fun, not the drink which only numbed the pain of his foolishness, and certainly not the strip club. None of the women were remotely as beautiful as Indra or as erotic. He closed his eyes as he remembered pumping his seed into her as he held her and she gasped his name. He wanted her, but he couldn’t have her, not without engaging his heart. If he had a heart, that was.
By the end of the evening, he couldn’t have driven home if he’d wanted to, and so lay in his London apartment, listening to the roar of traffic and shouts from passing partygoers. Everywhere there were people, exactly as there had been in Monaco. But he’d never felt more alone—not now that he knew what it was like to be with someone in a way he’d never been before. As soon as morning broke, he was ready to leave, knowing what he had to do.
Indra had kept herself busy, determined to carry on as normal and not to let Sebastian’s issues affect her. She was strong. Her mother had always said so and had nurtured Indra’s resilience. But what she hadn’t done was to stop her being afraid. She now realized her mother had been traumatized about what had happened to her husband and son and had passed that on to her. And now Indra knew the fear had been a phantom, not real, and she’d been living her life in its shadow. And Charles had been happy to indulge his beautiful mistress and daughter, to keep them away from the rest of the world. It had worked for Charles and her mother, but not for her. Her life had become small, until Sebastian had arrived, that was.
“Indra,” said Helen, loud enough for her to realize Helen must have been calling her name for some time.
She forced herself to concentrate. “I’m sorry, I was miles away.” Helen smiled politely, as if she hadn’t realized.
“No problem. I was just asking what we should do with Starlight. Bill wants to know if you’ll allow her to run in the next race at Newmarket. I know you didn’t want her to go. And I know that, er, Sebastian thought she should run. What have you decided?”