But that said everything, didn’t it? He couldn’t open up to Violet about how he was really feeling. Couldn’t admit excitement. Or fear. Couldn’t share the things she really wanted to be able to share. Fears. Hopes. Dreams. He didn’twantto.
She wanted a different relationship from that of her parents. Not trying to force some kind of perfection, of smothering protection and pretence that everything was going to be all right all of the time, while at the same time never confronting the fact that it might not be. Never addressing it. She wanted someone she could be fully honest with. And being that honest would be okay.
She’d thought for a moment they’d had that. That she could admit her fears and he would listen. Empathise. Support. But she wanted to do the same for him. Sharing one thing. Sharing all. The good and the bad. Richer or poorer. Sickness and health. Secrets, dreams, embarrassments, amusements...that was what she really wanted. True intimacy. She wanted to have it all. With him.
But he didn’t. Not only did he not think he was capable of it, but he didn’t want it withher. He didn’t love her.
And he was the father of her child. She needed him to do better. But if he wasn’t going to, if he was incapable, then she was going to have to step up even more. Because she didn’t want her child suppressing her emotions the way she once had. Always saying she was fine, maintaining a brave face and covering up. No one could do that for ever. It wasn’t healthy. Look at Roman—he was the example of that. An emotional ice box. So, yes, this baby was going to need more from her.
So she would stay. But he wasn’t going to get it all. They’d become...colleagues. There was no other way to consider it. They’d be doing a job together, raising their baby. But they would not be friends. Their affair was over. She’d been a fool to continue it on the train. And she would never marry him. Nor would she marry anyone else. Not ever. The thought made her sick. At least she knew he wouldn’t, either. He’d only considered it with her because he’d got her pregnant. That wasn’t a mistake he’d make again.
Buthemight have affairs. She would have to cope. But she didn’t have toseeit. She could, she realised, stay here. She could take over the running of the lodge for Linda when she wanted to retire. It wouldn’t be ideal to work for him, but it was one route. If he refused to consider it, she’d get a job in the village or at the nearby ski resort. For these early years, before school, this was a place she could adore. And, in her breaks, she could still travel a little. She could make a good go of it. She was bruised but shewouldbe okay.
Met Ellie. Thanks for finding her but you should have told me about the two of you. WTH?
It took almost twenty-four hours for Roman to hear back from Alex. The first message he got was from Ellie, saying she wanted to meet and discuss the family and financial stuff early in the New Year. Roman was happy to make that timing work. He would have everything set up and perfect. Then Alex called.
‘She wants to meet with the lawyers in the New Year,’ Roman said but he suspected Alex already knew far more about what Ellie was thinking than he ever would.
‘That’s good,’ Alex said.
It was. Ellie knew who she was, she was capable of looking after herself and Roman simply had to accept that. And he could. Maybe Violet had taught him how.
‘You coming to the New Year’s Eve party?’ Alex asked.
Absolutely not. But Roman didn’t want to drag Alex’s mood down to his, so he was vague. ‘I’m not sure.’
‘Okay. Just let us know.’
Us.
Roman grimaced and smiled at the same time. There it was—weird as hell, but all the same he was pleased for them. Alex was solid. The best friend anyone could want. And Eloise deserved the best. He figured it was good they had each other.
But there was no message from Violet. Not that first day. Not the next. Nor with one after. That was good, right? No news was good news. Linda would keep an eye on her.
So now he just had to get through the next week. He didn’t want to stay in town. He didn’t even want to consider the New Year. Maybe he ought to head to one of the overseas offices again for a while. Except he couldn’t think about travel without thinking about Violet. Violet who sought adventure. Who was curious and excited to see new places and meet new people, to see and do new things, even when she was a little afraid to. She revitalised him—made him want to appreciate it the same, all in a way he’d not felt for so very long.
He thought about Violet constantly. It annoyed the hell out of him because he still didn’t know how to deal with their situation.
He avoided the hotel and went to the Fraser mansion instead—the place he’d offered Eloise. The place she’d refused. At least it was a place he didn’t associate with Violet. Except she was still there with him. The dreams he’d had, they had changed. It was she who he saw now. Standing there—so proud, so angry, so honest. And on the fourth morning he lay alone in his big bed, in the big empty-feeling house, and thought about those moments he couldn’t quite remember—the ones when Eloise had been taken.
Alex had told him that Ellie had said the couple who’d taken her had been caring. They’d never told Ellie the truth, but Alex wondered if they hadn’t seen that Roman was still alive in that wreckage. Maybe they’d thought he’d died instantly—like his parents. It made sense if they had. Roman knew he’d been covered in blood, not all of it his own, but his father’s as well. He’d been still. He’d been silent. He’d been broken.
For the first time he allowed himself to acknowledge that his attempts to call out hadn’t only been to stop them from taking Eloise but to stop them from leavinghimbehind.
He didn’t want to be left behind. Never again.
He’dthoughthe was okay. He’d thought he was living a full life, hitting so many targets—owning all the things, doing all the things. But he wasn’t okay and what he really wanted now scared the hell out of him. He knew the fear was irrational but it had still been powerful enough to make him freeze—to render him silent at the most crucial of moments.
He tried to force his focus on work this week. He went to his gym room and pushed himself for hours. It didn’t matter. He didn’t sleep. He couldn’t. But it wasn’t the nightmares. It was the misery of his future. It had been the worst moment of his life twenty-one years ago when he’d wanted to say something but hadn’t been able to. And he’d just done it all over again with Violet. But this time it was different. He wasn’t ten. He wasn’t pinned to the ground and injured. Here he was,choosingnot to speak up. He wasn’t helplessly watching someone slip away from him, because he wasn’t helpless. This was his own stupid choice—not just to be silent, but actually to be the one to walk away.
He winced.Losinghurt too much. He couldn’t take the risk. He’d wanted to stay safe. But what hewantednow was too intense and suddenly too strong. It hit him in an overwhelming rush. He couldn’t live like this—not without having toldherthe truth. Not without her at all.
His own fear had constrained him and he’d been a fool. He had to see her. Had to do better, say more—say everything. He wanted to be there for his sister and Alex. He wanted to be there for his baby. He wanted everything. But he wanted it allwithViolet. He wanted her most of all. So, this time, it wasn’t enough to try to scream. This time he really had to move.
This time he actually could.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN