‘All I’m saying is, Alex usually dates women with...’ He cleared his throat awkwardly. ‘Women with a lot of experience.’
It wasn’t like Alex to get involved with someone unused to his lifestyle. Did Ellie understand a fling wasn’t going to lead to rings, vows and for ever? But Roman was assuming again. Would Ellie even want for ever with Alex?
‘I see.’ Ellie frowned thoughtfully. ‘To be fair, he didn’a know I was a virgin when we first slept together at Halloween.’
Roman shut his eyes. ‘You were a...? Oh, hell. I seriously did not need to know that.’ Completely discombobulated, he sank onto a nearby park bench. ‘Now I don’t know whether to kill him or torture him first.’
Surely Alex should have knownthat? Surely Ellie should have told him?
He closed his eyes, really not wanting to go there. Roman had known with Violet—she’dtoldhim. She’d been honest. Now his own hypocrisy scorched his conscience. He’d teased Violet about her over-protective older brothers but here he was, acting as if he had any say over his own sister’s choices! But he didn’t want to see Ellie hurt. He knew Alex and this wasnotnormal behaviour for him. Which meant maybe this wasn’t a normal affair. Maybe it was something more. Confusion clouded everything and Roman didn’t know what to think.
Maybe Ellie was right. Maybe this wasn’t his business. But she was still his sister and, while it wasn’t his business tointerfere, it was his business tocare—wasn’t it? Maybe it was his business ‘just’ to listen in support...simply be there.
That was what Violet had said she wanted. Someone to be there—emotionally intimate, easy. Not judging. Not fixing. Not controlling. It was what she’d done for him. Because not everything could be fixed, controlled or made happier, better—let alone perfect. Not by one person—be it parent or other family, friend or even lover. Things couldn’t always be sorted. That was sure as hell how it was for him and Eloise—Ellie. The past—their losses—could not be changed. But maybe they could move forward by just being here now. Being in each other’s company.
Was that enough? Could it ever be?
Ellie suddenly sat on the bench close beside him. To his astonishment, she patted his knee—a gentle touch, as if he needed soothing, as if he was the one who needed compassion or protection this second. He managed a half-smile. Maybe he did need it. Maybe this was whatsiblingsdid—fought one moment and leaned on each other the next, like lion cubs in a den. They were just seriously out of practice.
God, he wished Violet were here. She was good with people—with a natural ease he didn’t have. She’d get on with Ellie in seconds. She’d smile, they’d chat and probably unite to tease him. Part of him ached for that.
‘Maybe we should keep talking,’ he said when he saw Ellie check the time. ‘You don’t need to go in to work.’ He’d tried a smile to let her know he wasn’t trying tomakeher. ‘Never again, if you don’t want.’
He really didn’t want her to go and work in some bar. For one thing, it was hard work. Hours on her feet when she was already wrung out. At least now she had a little more colour in her cheeks, but she’d not eaten properly. Plus, this situation was soon going to reach the public, and the interest would be intense. But Ellie just smiled.
‘Let’s talk some more, soon,’ she said.
Yeah. Life was going to change now Ellie knew her background. She was going to have decisions to make regarding her inheritance—even if she didn’t want to face all that just yet. But all that had been waiting for her for twenty-one years. It could wait a little longer while she adjusted to the idea of it all. He could give her that time.
They rose simultaneously from the bench. With a small smile, she stretched up and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. Roman was neither quick enough to respond in kind nor—thankfully—jerk back in an unintended rejection. He just froze, unaccustomed to familial touch, the fragility of everything in this moment—most especially his own armour.
What the hell was happening to him?
He watched Ellie walk away and that hollowed out feeling returned. His objections had been futile, of course. She was going to her shift in that bar and more power to her. Because he had no real power. Not here. Not with her. Not, perhaps, with anyone. For all his money, for all his supposed social status. Hell, he mocked himself wryly, not even his title as New York’s most eligible bachelor meant anything. He was just going to have to wait. Putting pressure on people only pushed them away and Roman couldn’t lose Ellie five seconds after he’d finally found her. AfterAlexhad found her.
He frowned as he tried to figure out that conundrum. Alex and Ellie? It seemed complicated—something neither Alex nor he were accustomed to. But Roman could hardly lay into Alex about it when he was the one who’d gone and got someonepregnant. And, if he couldn’t get through a simple conversation with his sister without screwing it up and having to start over, how did he think he could sort out the mess that was his future with Violet? Realistically, whatwerehis chances of being a decent husband or father? About nil. He’d already pushed her away.
He’d go to the office and set everything up with the lawyers so the second Ellie was ready the options could be presented. It wasn’t good enough.Hewasn’t. Because he’d not just given up on finding Ellie—in believing in her survival—he’d given up onhimselftoo. He’d pushed aside his own instincts, unable to trust anything or anyone, least of all himself. He’d gone for the rational approach. The measured ‘research and reflect’, unemotional decision-making. Compartmentalising—burying—emotional issues. All of which was fine in a business context. But the second it was something personal...
This last week was the first time he’d faced truly personal problems in years. And he really doubted he was up to it. If Alex and Ellie were involved, if it was complicated? Frankly, Roman knew no man as good as Alex. If he was serious about Ellie, he’d be good for her. He’d look out for her. Roman realised he hoped itwasall that and more between them. Because after this one meeting between him and his sister... It had gone okay, yes, but it didn’t feel enough. It didn’t feel certain. Nothing felt quiteright.
He wished, he missed, he wanted... Violet. To hear her laugh, her chatter, her thoughts. And there’d be no mistaking her feelings on everything. But him walking out yesterday had hurt her. Not including her in his decisions, not sharing his thinking—let alone his feelings—had all hurt her. Because she’d trusted him with her feelings and that had taken strength. He’d been autocratic and uncommunicative. He’d arrogantly assumed he could handle everything alone, make everything all better again, when that was actuallyimpossible. He couldn’t go back to how he’d been. She’d changed him somehow.
Yet the thought—the fear—of losing everything all over again swamped him. He had to pull back from everything. Because that was what he risked. In trying to make this all work, he’d put himself in the position of possessing things, enjoying experiences, that he’d never thought he’d ever have.
But that also meant there was the prospect of losing...everyone. His best friend. His sister. His lover and their unborn child. That risk was too much even to contemplate. It hurt to breathe. Every heartbeat hurt his ribs. He couldn’t sustain this tension. Regulating his need to maintain control of a situation was almost impossible. And opening up and letting someone close...reallyclose...?
He’d never allowed it. He still couldn’t. But at the same time he didn’t think he’d managed to stop it from happening. Not this time. Violet was right—he was a coward. And she deserved so much better.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
VIOLETWANTEDTOrun away. She could find her way to a bus in the nearby ski town and leave today. She could bury her head in travel and adventure—see new sights, absorb everything new and avoid getting too deeply entrenched anywhere or with anyone. But that wasn’t possible. First, she didn’t have the funds. Second, she didn’t have the heart. That wasn’t hers any more, it was in bits. Part of it belonged to her baby. The rest of it had been broken and tossed back at her feet by Roman. But she was going to give it the chance to heal. Then she’d pick it up and carry on.
At least here she had some distance from him. Maybe soon she’d be able to control her emotions enough to make a plan. But right now she still didn’t know how it could work. Her family lived on the other side of the world. He ran one of the largest companies in the States. His whole life was here. And she? She didn’t have a life. Not one she’d made forherself. Not yet. And she wanted that, a life for her child and her. One that could be rewarding and secure... Honestly, she didn’t need all the fancy things. She just wanted him.
She gritted her teeth. She wasn’t going to have him. He’d made that more than clear. But she would never walk out on him. She wouldn’t run away when he had so much else going on in his life that was so huge. Meeting Eloise was far more important for him to deal with, but Violet was hurt that he’d pushed her away so completely. He was so used to doing everything alone, to coping alone, to containing every emotion. Privacy, she understood, but such emotional isolation was sad.
And she worried for their child. Was Roman going to be an emotionally absent father who could give onlymaterialsupport? He’d shown it once again—his first priority had been to establish financial security for Eloise. And, while she respected his desire to give his sister her birth right, was there not more to be built? More that was more important? Just meeting her, building a relationship with her? Maybe it had only been one of his reactions. The only one he felt comfortable sharing with her.