Maybe that’s why I’m behaving so absurdly. Or maybe it’s because despite his dickish posture and overwhelming energy, he’s drinking me in with just as much vigor as I am him. Our eyes meet once more, and whatever he sees on my face has his cocky expression dropping instantly. His thick lips flatten into a tight line. I catch his Adam’s apple bobbing in my periphery. His hands slide across his chest and latch onto the strap of his bag. They clench and unclench repeatedly, turning his knuckles white. He bows his head as he shifts on his feet. The movement seems to make him smaller somehow like he’s shrinking in on himself. My head cocks to the side in consideration.
It's like all of a sudden; he’s reigning himself in. The explosive, stiflingly powerful energy he had previously been emitting dissolves into thin air. My body unconsciously leans forward as if to chase it, hunt it down, and cling to it. I want it back.
“Hi,” he murmurs, his voice quiet and shy, though still just as deep as his rumbling chuckle had hinted at. My eyes widen as the last remnants of the spell I’d been under wash away completely, granting me freedom. Though only a minute or so has passed, it feels like we’ve been trapped in this small space, caught in each other's orbits, for hours, maybe even days.
“Hi,” I say back, shocked at how breathy my voice sounds. I clear my throat, straighten my spine, and slide my hands into the pockets of my peacoat.Fake it, Ray. You’re the queen at that shit.“Why are you here?” I demand.Jesus,I scoff silently and internally slap myself.This is a twenty-floor public building. He can be wherever he wants.
He smiles softly, and it’s nothing like his previous cocky smirk. “I-I’m here to fix the computers,” he stutters. A pang of sadness fills me, and for some odd reason, I crave the stifling power he was emitting just minutes ago. What the fuck happened to turn him into this meek, shy man that now stands before me, and how do I get the other one back? Did I do something wrong? “What’s your name?”
He looks so sweet and innocent that I find myself answering despite the confusion swirling through me. “Rayvn,” I mumble, my eyes narrowing as I try to figure him out. “What’s your name?” He twitches and looks down, averting his gaze and focusing on his feet that are scuffing the carpeted floor.
He peers up at me, stabbing me in my soul with his piercing clear blue eyes from beneath his glasses. My breath wooshes out of me. He opens his mouth, looking wildly uncomfortable at the question but is saved by the door sliding open. A group rushes in, grunting abouttheslow fucking elevator,and pushes past me. The mystery man gets pressed against the far wall but doesn’t try and fight the angry mob. I, on the other hand, am forced out, luckily onto the bottom floor of the parking garage where my car is waiting. I take a step back, my eyes never leaving his, even in the midst of the crowd.
I want to demand his name. I want to ask for more information. I want the firsthimback. I want to be trapped in his web again. I want…
His eyes shutter and shift. His head tilts to the side in a predatory move as his lip kicks back up into a smirk. My heart squeezes in my chest. My muscles tense. In the span of one second to the next, he’s someone else completely. My fight-or-flight instincts kick in, knowing this behavior isn’t normal.He’snot normal. How is he doing this? One foot moves without thought as I take a step back. His smirk turns into a full-blown, dazzling white-toothed grin.
It's equal parts beautiful and terrifying.
The rickety door clangs shut, cutting off our connection, and the loud whirl of the belts sets the car in motion. I stand there, staring at the silver doors for countless minutes as the chaos in my brain comes back to life. It’s then I realize that the ever-present static in my head had been silent for the first time in I don’t even know how long.
There, in that small metal box trapped under his suppressive, stifling energy,I was free.
Shaking my head, I make my way to my car and get situated for the long drive. I type the address into the GPS system, hoping it will give me some backroads to get me to Shiloh’s before it’s too late.
It takes me half the trip to convince myself to make the call, and another ten minutes to actually do it. My hands clench and unclench on the steering wheel as I wait for it to connect.
“Hello, Mr. Porter’s phone, this is Urma speaking,” the sweet voice chirps, making me smile instantly. Urma has been my father’s nurse for the last year. She’s a very kind woman, even if I kind of hate talking to her.
“Hi, Urma. It’s Rayvn.” I exhale a shaky breath, pushing past the immediate urge to hang up. Before I can, I continue, getting straight to the point. “How is he?”
She hums out a sound of displeasure, then coughs to cover it. She fails. “Nice to hear from you, it’s been a while. Is work busy lately or something?”
I barely contain a growl even as pain lances in my chest. She’s not wrong to be mad. I haven't been showing up for my dad the way he deserves. I’ve been avoiding him. It’s just so damn hard. “I know, Urma. I suck,” I sigh. “I promise to visit him next week. I have to go out of town this weekend, but I’ll come see him when I get back.”
Urma pauses. A door clicks shut in the background, and she releases a breath that sounds a lot like she’s deflating. “He’s okay, Rayvn. He has his moments where he forgets where he is, but he asks about you every day. He knows who his daughter is, and he misses you.”
Tears well up behind my eyes at her words, and I don’t stop them from spilling out onto my cheeks. I am such a shitty daughter. Too caught up in her own shit, her own depressing existence to be there for the man who raised her…Fuck.I choke back a sob at the thought of my father lying in his bed, asking his homecare nurse what's going on and where his daughter is. The vision is so visceral I actually have to pull off the road when I begin to shake with the force of the tears I’m keeping at bay.
Urma must hear my quiet sniffles because her voice instantly changes from the cool, chastising one she usually uses with me, to the softer one she uses with my dad. “I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, Honey. I just don’t want you to miss this time with him. You never know how many days he’ll have where he’s aware. This disease is a tricky bastard like that. Sometimes it takes a while to set in. Sometimes it happens fast. Unfortunately, your dad’s has been pretty quick. It’s only been a year since he was diagnosed, but his lucid days are still a gift.”
“I know,” I choke out. I breathe through the tears, needing more than anything to tell my daddy I love him. “Is he awake?”
“I’m sorry, Ray. He had a fitful night, and he finally fell asleep an hour ago.” I nod, even though she can’t see me.
“Yeah, don’t worry about it. He needs his rest. But hey, the next time he asks about me–”
“We’ll call you right away,” she cuts in, a smile in her voice. “You just have to promise to answer.”
A quiet huff of laughter escapes me. “Oh, don’t worry, I will.”
“You take care of yourself. Your daddy wouldn't want you wasting away at that job of yours, you know. He’d want you to live your life. That’s all parents really want for their kids. Have a good weekend, Rayvn.” She disconnects before I can respond, and I finally let the tears and broken shards of my heart out as I cry for the father I’m slowly, yet surely, losing.
As a kid, they don't tell you how hard it will be to lose a parent. To watch them disappear before your very eyes, whether from age or illness. I may be a fractured soul but grieving the loss of a person who is still alive is by far the most difficult thing I have ever done.
Chapter Four
“Holyshit,Ican’tbelieve you’re getting married tomorrow,” I gush. My excitement is mostly because this isShilohwe’re talking about and partly because I’m three-quarters of my way through a bottle of red. She scoffs, but it quickly turns into a giggle as she rolls over to face me on the bed. She props her head up on a fist and looks down at me, a drunkenly happy expression on her pretty face.