I’m not even sure if I forgive myself for not knowing something was off, or believing she would ever leave me in the first place.
But I’m here now and fuck if I’m going anywhere.
It’s been over a week since Noah found us.
He hasn’t pushed to have any conversations, instead spending the time getting to know his son. He asks me for permission before he takes Adrian every time, as though he’s not Adrian’s dad.
He feeds and changes him, puts him down for a nap and sleeps in the recliner chair beside the crib. I still don’t have it in me to offer a spot on my bed and he knows not to ask.
He lives out of a suitcase that appeared that same night he found us and somehow got Gabe to procure supplies for Adrian and me.
I don’t know how he managed that when it’s been a headache getting the bureau to bring me anything other than my son’s necessities.
Now, Adrian has everything a baby could want, including a closet full of new clothes and a playroom full of toys.
It seems like Noah is trying to prove himself by spoiling our son.
Like he can make it up to me by spoiling me. I look around my room at the candles, essential oils, diffuser and a shelf full of books that also showed up this week.
He hasn’t said more than a handful of sentences to me except when he orders me to rest and relax. This is usually accompanied by him directing me to the bed and lighting a candle.
He then leaves the room with Adrian, and they spend hours in the playroom.
I’ve also noticed the agents that used to alternate guarding the outside of the cabin have been dismissed and only Agents Walker, To and Gabe are permitted in the cabin.
They moved their workspace to the basement, relegating what used to be the surveillance room to another bedroom. The three are now apparently permanently assigned here and only come up when it’s time for meals or switch out for night duty.
Gabe attempted to apologize to me yesterday again but one look from Noah and he sighed, leaving to go do whatever it is they’re doing down there.
I’m tempted to ask where they are with their investigation.
But at the same time, I’m scared to find out if they’re close to getting this Sotnas guy.
Because then what? What do I do when I finally get out of here?
I can tell Noah is itching for us to be a family again, but do I want that?
He and Adrian will always be family. They’re blood.
But Noah and I? I don’t know how to separate myself from the reality I’ve been living in for fifteen months. The scariest thing is that I don’t know if I will ever be able to go back to the person I used to be before all this happened-- to the person hopelessly in love with her husband.
I don’t know her anymore. She floats in my head like a figment of my imagination.
Would I even remember what it’s like to live a life that isn’t in hiding anymore?
How will I support my son? Where will we live?
I know Noah will insist we live with him but I don’t know if I want that anymore.
How do I fall back in love with someone who, regardless if he did it unknowingly, destroyed my life? I lost any sense of safety when I got locked away here, forced to fend for myself yet again.
Forced to stay alive for my son when every day I felt like giving up and dying.
Therapy is definitely something I need to look into when I get out of here. For Adrian.
He deserves a healthy mom. Maybe I can’t give him a happy one, but I will do everything I can to be the best version of myself for him.
He deserves nothing less.