I pick him up, cradling him against my chest as I check to see if his diaper is full.
I go through the motions of changing him and put him in a new onesie. I’m only half aware of the yells and things crashing from the other room.
When Adrian’s breathing gets steadier, I set him down in his playpen and let him play with his toys. I turn on the sound machine to calming ocean sounds to drown out the noise coming from the living room. I forego the chair to sit on the floor, trying to distract myself with the sight of my son playing.
After a few minutes, things quiet down and I hear the unmistakable sound of Noah’s footsteps outside the door.
He’s careful about it this time. The door opens slowly but I don’t dare look that way.
“Ria…”
I shake my head, refusing to look his way, but I feel his presence behind me. Then, before I can voice my refusal, I feel his warm body against mine. His arms come around me until he’s holding me against his chest. Rocking me as I tremble with emotion, covering my mouth with both hands to keep myself from screaming, I sag against him and break down in sobs.
I don’t want to scare Adrian but I’m scared myself.
I don’t know how to separate the truth from the lies I was fed for over a year.
Even knowing the truth now doesn’t erase the fifteen months of loneliness, fear, anger and pain.
I’m still mad as hell at Noah. But now I’m mad at myself too.
For believing that my husband could leave me like that with or without cause.
I allowed those lies to shape and destroy what I once felt for Noah.
I don’t know what to feel about Noah now, besides disappointment and resentment.
I don’t know why I’m letting him hold me like this when I am so angry at him.
"Fuck baby, I missed you so damn much.” He buries his face in my neck, breathing me in.
I feel the heat of his tears and the press of his warm lips against my skin.
His voice cracks with emotion as he weeps with me.
He whispers apologies into my ear.
Once again, I forget where he ends and I start.
I let him hold me, but I don’t touch him. My hands grip the hem of my shirt.
After a few minutes of him rocking me, Adrian starts to get squeamish, he must sense my distress so I pull myself together.
I lean away from Noah, waiting until his arms fall to his sides.
I still don’t dare meet his eyes.
I’m not quite ready for whatever reunion he thinks this is going to be.
I push off of the floor, grabbing a face towel from the changing table to dry my face, tossing it in the hamper before I pick Adrian up.
Then it hits me.
Noah.
Adrian.
I turn Adrian enough so his dad can get a good look at him but keep my gaze averted.