“Okay, maybeneverisn’t strictly true. When I was young, I had this fantasy that it was all a big mistake and that they got stuck on vacation because of the plane crash and found their way back to me. But I was, like, nine and never thought much further than them hugging me and loving me and getting me out of foster care.”
“Well, now’s your chance,” Catalina says encouragingly.
I sigh. “Is it my chance, though? What will it mean? Will they be back in my life? Will I get to see them all the time? Are they even actually my parents, given my reincarnation?”
“I thinkyouget to decide what they are to you. But had they not died, then they one hundred percent would be your parents, and you one hundred percent would be missing them right now. You’re letting this reincarnation part get into your head—they are your parents no matter what.” Cat hands me a tissue, and I blow my nose. On the other side of me, Dave whimpers.I know she’s right, but thinking about this is just one more thing that I want nothing to do with.
Or rather, it’s not that I don’t want to think about it, but my head is already crammed with memories and dreams and feelings andquestions. I didn’t ask for any of this, but here I am, deciding if I want to meet my long-dead parents while being the apparent frontrunner for Queen of the Underworld.
“So, I gather you think I should meet them?” I ask.
“I can go with you, if you want. It might help to have a friendly face in the room,” she offers.
I nod my head, liking this idea so much more.“Okay. I’ll talk to Essos in a few days. I don’t want to be around him for a little while. It messes with my head. I almost forget that he murdered me, and I should say no to the Calling and him and being queen, but my body has a very different opinion. It's so frustrating that my heart and mind aren’t on the same page.”
“I’m still not convinced that you’re getting the whole story. You might as well take advantage of the perks, like him being able to summon the dead so you can meet your parents. I know I’m going to ask if I can see my parents a few more times before this is all over.”
In all my self-pity, I failed to realize the implications for Cat. Some best friend I am. I never even considered what our world will look like after the ball. What will be Cat’s fate? I have to assume that if I reject Essos and chose Galen at the ball, I risk losing Cat forever. I could probably live with never getting to meet my parents, but the thought of losing Cat is something I’m not sure I can handle. Even the subtle threats to her have been too much.
“I need more time to think on my own. I spent all my alone time crying, and I haven’t truly given this idea a chance.”
Cat nods and stands, dusting off her pants. “I hear there are mud baths to be had, anyway.” She holds out a hand and helps me up. Once I’m up, I give her the handful of flowers I cut for her room. We embrace one last time, and then she departs.
Since I have actually made my decision about meeting my parents, I use my time alone in the garden to weigh what I know about these two men. I think about how I felt when I met Essos, and how everything he has done has been carefully crafted. From his initial lies about why we were here to how secretive he is with information, everything has been a subtle manipulation. The Council has tied his hands with so much of what he can and cannot reveal, but Galen was motivated enough to figure out a way around it.
And yet…my heart seems to sing when I’m around Essos, and I catch myself turning toward him whenever he’s around. My heart associates him with safety and comfort, ever since he offered shelter immediately following our crash.
I want to hold on to my anger, but he’s been so tender and sweet with me. The thrill I get when he touches me brings a smile to my face. I remember the warmth of his breath on my neck and the sensation of his fingers grazing my skin. I think of how patient he has been, and how these actions would look without knowing about that malice.
Galen though…when I’m near him, I don’t get the same warm feeling Essos gives me, but at the same time, there is a change in me. There is a need to be close to him, but it’s like I need to know what he’s doing, what’s going to come next. He opened my eyes in a way that Essos has tried to keep them covered. My draw toward Galen is strongest when I’m around him. The memories that he has shown me have allowed me to see what I had before with him.
My relationship with Essos evolved as we got to know each other. Galen, on the other hand, has shown me so much of our former relationship, but I can’tfeelanything past the memory. I try to hold on to the emotions, the sense of rightness, and hope that, maybe once I have all my memories back, those feelings will return and stay with me. Is that an empty hope, or will it materialize?
What I do know is that the Calling Ball cannot come soon enough.
I press my eyelids together and allow myself one last cry before I go back to my room. This time, I don’t bury my face in my hands. I let the tears flow freely down my face onto the ground in front of me. The burden slowly eases off my shoulders as the catharsis of crying takes root.
When I open my eyes, I see that I’ve cried a river of flowers.
CHAPTER28
Itell Essos at dinner that I would like a few days to prepare to meet my parents. I need to get used to the idea of meeting them and come up with questions that I want to ask.
He agrees, telling me that I can change my mind anytime. I almost change my mind immediately and a hundred times over the course of those days. A few times, I stop Essos to tell him I’ve changed my mind, only to change it again and just walk away from him. Every time I stop him and open my mouth to tell him, he waits patiently, understanding that this is not easy. He never gets frustrated and he never ignores me.
I take until the last minute to decide if I want Cat there when I meet them, but I ultimately elect against it. It’ll be hard enough for me to keep it together in front of the King of the Underworld. If Cat is with me, I’ll have a much easier time falling apart, and I don’t want to show Essos that weakness.
I spend the morning of the meeting pulling every piece of clothing out of my closet and drawers, changing thirty times, unable to decide what I want to wear. Do I wear an ultra-conservative dress and cardigan with neutral pumps? What about nice slacks and a button-down? Should I wear my usual leggings and a shirt or jeans? Should I wear neutral colors? What about bright colors? Is red a no go? I ask this every time I grab a piece of clothing hoping that something sticks out. Dave keeps his opinions to himself, sensing that I need to make this decision for myself.
Cat sits on my bed, calmly letting me freak out while petting Dave. To start, she lets me spiral out of control, asking her for advice on each thing I consider. She offers some gentle advice—too short, too dark, too dour, too much cleavage, until I throw what I have in my hands up in the air.
“Maybe I should just go naked,” I say.
She stands and grabs my shoulders, looking me in the eye. “Daphne Marie Hale. Relax.” She draws the word out as if it’s that easy. “If you find nothing in the closet, see if Sybil can conjure you a purple dress like cartoon Daphne, and have Essos wear an ascot to be your Fred.” I try to laugh at her sad excuse for humor, but it sounds brittle and harsh instead.
“I just have no idea what to wear. The last time they saw me, I was in diapers and a onesie.” I drop the black ball gown I’m holding onto the floor. It’s the same one I wore when adjudicating over Dell McMann.
“What would you wear if you were meeting your boyfriend’s parents for the first time? An interview is too formal, but I think that’s the right sort of scenario. You want to look cute and sensible, and bright, but not showy.”