“What’s so special about this knife anyway? Can’t you just go and get another?”
I shake my head as the sorrow sits heavy on my heart. “It was my father’s. Blake found it a while back. It was the only thing we have of his. Blake gave it to me as a vice to feel safe at night.”
“Shit,” she sighs, starting to fully understand the importance of that knife. “Blake really loves you, hey?”
“More than you could possibly understand. The shit we’ve been through together…”
“What shit?” Maze whispers from the backseat, sounding hesitant. “You say that all the time; that you’ve been through some stuff but you’ve never actually talked about it. I feel like I hardly know you.”
That makes two of us.
My mind swirls with all the horrors I’ve faced over the past seventeen years. I don’t talk about it. Period. It’s my coping mechanism, yet I find myself wanting to. Though, what am I supposed to tell her? That I was abused for years? That I was stolen from my family by a mobster and sold to another? She wouldn’t even believe me if I told her the truth. So, I tell her what I can, what I’ll be able to get out without turning into a mess, and what parts of myself won’t have her thinking less of me, pitying me, and thinking I’m used.
“So, I used to live in Haven Falls with my family. My mom, dad, me and Blake. I was four and Blake had only just had his third birthday. Don’t ask me how, but I remember there being cake leftover in the fridge from his birthday party. I was mad because mom didn’t let me eat it. That night, Blake and I had already been tucked in and I remember waking to a loud noise and instantly being scared. Mom was screaming from the kitchen and then there was some kind of scuffle.”
“Home invasion?” Maze breathes.
I nod, looking back at her to see the horror on her face. “Of the worst kind.”
She swallows hard and waits for me to continue. “Blake was screaming in his room and I snuck out of my bed and ran to him. I was so worried that I was going to get in trouble for being out of my bed. Mom and dad were sticklers for their rules, but I couldn’t just stay there. I went to Blake and we hid under the bed. I was trying to be quiet but Blake was screaming so loud.
“The details are fuzzy now but I remember someone grabbing my hair and yanking me out from under Blake’s bed. It hurt so bad. I screamed and was thrown up the hallway while the guy held Blake dangling by his arm. Thinking back now, it’s probably the reason why Blake’s shoulder often dislocates,” I let out a heavy sigh. “Anyway, we were put on the couch and tied up, and the sight I saw will always stay with me.
“My parents were back to back on the floor, tied up with Anton Mathers and his men looking down on them. I couldn’t get Blake to stop crying, and fuck, I’m so happy that he has no recollection of all of this-”
Maze cuts me off. “Anton Mathers?”
“He’s a mobster and a horrid one at that. I didn’t know this until later, but my parents were struggling with money, something about a bad business deal and the possibility of losing their home. Their last resort was to borrow the money from Anton just to keep food on the table and when they couldn’t pay it back…”
“He came for them,” she finishes.
“Yeah, in a big fucking way.”
I hear Maze let out a horrified breath and I fight the tears that are threatening to spill. I’ve only told this story once and it was three weeks ago to a therapist that the state demanded I see before they put us with Shay and Ben.
“There was a kid, I don’t know, maybe he was eight or nine, somewhere around that age. I’ve always struggled with this bit but he had some sort of connection to Anton. It was almost like he was training him to become some sort of killer, his protégée or something like that. Anton handed him a knife and ordered him to kill.
“The kid kept looking at me and Blake and then back to mom. He didn’t want to do it but every time he refused, Anton would hurt him. It was so bad. The kid was so strong, enduring so much pain, but by the end of it, he had no choice. He wasn’t strong enough. It was kill or be killed and I’m awful enough to wish he’d let Anton kill him but I see now that would have ended with both of them dead.
“I’ll never forget mom’s agony. It made Blake scream the house down but I couldn’t help him because I was watching my mother bleed out. I don’t think I really understood what I was seeing but something inside of me told me that I’d never see her again.