She forced a smile. “Just don’t overthink the way you act from now on. Everything stays the same, okay?”
My brows furrowed, but I nodded, even though something told me I shouldn’t have agreed before getting the details.
Nadia let out the smoke, watching me with a dose of uncertainty. “I used to associate being pushed against the wall with pain.”
She had an undeniable talent to wreak havoc in my brain with one fucking sentence. She hadn’t mentioned Adrian or the abuse directly, but images of the motherfucker pushing her around like a rag doll, her head bouncing off the wall, back bruising with the impact filled my thoughts.
I took a drag of the cigarette, but the smoke filling my lungs did little to banish the wrath that consumed me whenever my imagination pulled this shit over my eyes.
Nadia started picking her nails, looking torn.
“You can tell me as much as you want, baby doll.”
A detailed script of Adrian’s cruelty wasn’t high on the list of things I wanted to hear, but if she trusted me enough to share, I would grit my teeth and listen.
“What’s the point? Knowing every detail and visualising every bruise won’t do you good, and reliving it won’t help me, either. You help me, Thomas. And you’re not even trying. You push me against the wall, and you’re hardly gentle, but you always hold one arm across my back and your hand on the back of my head.
“I’m sure you’ve never realised this yourself, but you break the impact. Couple it with the way you make me feel when you kiss me and suddenly being pressed against a wall isn’t something I fear anymore. It’s something I love because it’s one thing less I associate with pain, one crack on my broken mind healed.”
Was the goddamn world imploding?
My chest tingled with pride, but questions multiplied. I understood why Nadia wanted me to confirm that nothing would change. I was already questioning my every move.
Was she uncomfortable when I held her wrists in a tight grip? Was she anxious when I entered the house and didn’t say a word until I sealed her lips with a kiss? Was she scared when I kissed her for the first time?
“Say something,” she urged.
I crouched in front of her, taking her hands in mine. “I wish you could feel what you’re doing to me. You tear me apart and build me back up with one sentence.”
She frowned. “I don’t want to tear you apart, that’s not how…”
“It’s a good thing,” I muttered, stopping her from explaining further, or apologising. “You’re getting deeper and deeper under my skin, changing my mindset, reducing the blame I’ve been plagued with for years into nothing because you’re showing me that I’m doing something right, that there’s a reason why I’m here. And that reason is you.”
Her frown morphed into a smile, and she bit her lip. “I love you.”
“I love you too, baby doll. I’ll try not to overthink the way I handle you, but promise to tell me if I make you feel uncomfortable.”
“I promise, although I doubt you ever will.”
She leaned forward to peck my lips, then got up and threw the cigarette into an ashtray by the patio door. I opened a bottle of wine when Nadia curled under a black, fluffy blanket on the sofa.
Instead of the TV, she put the music on, nesting her back into my side when I sat down and handed her a glass. She draped her hand over the nape of my neck, pulling me down for a Spiderman kiss.
“One more thing while we’re on the subject.” I rested my hand on the back of the couch to let Nadia cuddle into me more. “Is there anything else you associate with pain that I could try and change?”
She thought for a moment, sipping the wine. Her body language told me she found something before she moved to put the glass away. I placed mine on the side table, next to a framed picture of Maya.
The song changed toMoments Passedby Dermot Kennedy. If it wasn’t for Nadia, I wouldn’t know the guy existed, but she had a knack for finding great music on Spotify. Her playlists were full of artists I had never heard before, but I enjoyed their songs from the first notes.
“You already did this once. It didn’t alarm me much then, but it might’ve been because I was too surprised your touch in general didn’t send me into an anxious frenzy.”
She caught my right hand, and brought in up to her throat, spreading my fingers wide, and pressing them to her soft flesh. A small gesture loaded with disgraceful history she wanted to override.
Nadia’s breath hitched, her eyes fluttering closed. She was still as a statue. I retreated my hand, emotions in check despite my heart clawing its way out of my chest.
“It’s okay. I don’t mind.”
“Because you trust me. You know I’d never hurt you, but you sure don’t enjoy it.”