There were no tears, just dread in her brown eyes.
Prescription meds stood on the nightstand next to a half-empty glass of water. The label on the pills readAlprazolam,and I cursed inside. She was back on Xanax after all the time and effort she put into reducing the number of meds she took.
I climbed onto the bed, rested my head on one of the many pillows, and drew her to my side. She fisted my shirt, clinging to me the way she did many times before—as if I were her security blanket. I ran my fingers through her wet hair, brushing them back behind her ear.
“Close your eyes.”
She pulled the blanket over us, inhaling deep breaths through her nose buried in the crook of my neck. She was exhausted. Dark circles around her eyes got darker each day.
According to Nick she stayed up during the nights, and slept for an hour max during the day, with her head on his lap as if she needed someone to watch over her.
“Do you remember when you asked what made me a blonde-loving playboy?” I didn’t expect an answer, but I could tell that she was listening. “On my first day in the army, I met a guy, Adam. He was a bit like your brother—too grown-up for his age. He was younger than me, but his life had meaning. Not a day went by without him talking about his girlfriend, Claudia. They were so in love that it made me sick at times, similar to Nick and Mel.”
This conversation wasn’t on the agenda for today. Re-living the worst day of my life wasneveron the agenda but telling her about Adam could help her accept that some things were out of our control.
She tried not to let Adrian get to her, but deep inside, she worried and blamed herself for every suicide attempt and every mental breakdown he experienced when she wasn’t around.
She held it in, doing more damage than good. At some point, the repressed emotions had to resurface. “Many months later, we went out with the whole squad bright and early, not even half an hour after Adam received a letter from Claudia. He got her pregnant when he went back home a few weeks earlier. He was the happiest I saw him. The happiest I ever saw anyone.”
I took a deep breath, certain that any moment now, my voice would break, but the feeling of emptiness and loss that plagued me whenever Adam entered my mind was absent. It felt natural to tell Nadia about that day; it felt like something I should’ve done a long time ago.
“We arrived in this small village that was taken by the enemy overnight. We were sent to round up the civilians and get them to safety. Gunfire started the moment we jumped out of the truck to take cover. A bullet went straight through James’s head the second his feet touched the ground.”
Nadia laced our fingers, pressing her body closer to mine. The warmth of her skin and the familiarity of her touch calmed me down.
“I caught him, but Adam grabbed my arm and pulled me out from the open, yelling that James was gone and there was nothing I could do for him. I pressed my back to the wall of a building we hid behind, staring at James’s lifeless body lying on the field… I had no time to process that James was gone before Adam peeked around the corner and a bullet went through his neck. The war raged around us while I held his head on my lap and watched my best friend die.”
Nadia squeezed my hand, which in turn squeezed my heart, and for the first time in months calmness washed over me. The chain around my chest loosened.
“I’m sorry,” she uttered, tightening the hold she had on me.
I pressed my lips to her temple without thinking and left them there to brush against her skin while I spoke.
“It took days before I accepted that he was gone. I tried to push the truth away as if my denial meant he wasn’t dead, but when it finally hit me, it hit me hard. For the longest time, I was convinced that he was dead because of me,” I continued, much quieter. “It wasn’t until I met you that I understood there was nothing I could’ve done to save him. Don’t repeat my mistakes, baby doll. Don’t blame yourself for something that’s out of your control. You have to accept that fate has a plan, even if you think it’s wrong.”
She gave me a small nod, pushed her face further into my neck, and her hot lips brushed against my skin, igniting my senses.
“Can you stay until I fall asleep?” she uttered.
Her warm breath made the hair on my neck stand on end.
“I’ll be here when you wake up, baby doll.” I pressed my lips to the crown of her head, gritting my teeth to stop from doing something I would regret in the morning.
Or not.
“Thank you.”
There was no better tranquiliser than having her close, locked in my arms, safe and calm. I stroked her back in a repetitive motion and her breathing stabilised within minutes.
The door cracked open not long later. Nick entered the room.
“Is she asleep?” he whispered, tiptoeing closer. “You want to go? I can take over.”
Instinctively, the grip I had on Nadia tightened.
“No, I’m staying.”
There was a good chance she could wake up in the middle of the night in tears. I wanted to be there to calm her down and help her get back to sleep. She needed the rest.