I take one last look at Gavin in his jeans and black T-shirt before I turn Penny and head farther into the stable tent.
My mind is at war with my heart, the loneliness I’ve carried around for months battling with the rational part of me that’s trying to protect myself from more pain. I try convincing myself things would never work out between us. He oozes power and control, and I’m not in charge of anything in my life. We couldn’t be more opposite if we tried.
Besides, I’ve seen enough wealthy people visit us here at the circus to know what they think of us—good enough for entertainment, but us circus folks will never be their equals. Gavin doesn’t seem like that at all, but I can’t think about that. I need this to be simple. I need to be able to forget him.
We never would have been anything more than a one-night stand, and that’s not my style.
I’ve seen other people in the circus hooking up with the visitors. There are a few who have a new guy or girl every night. I never wanted to be like that. I don’t want a one-night stand or a fling. I want something real. Something that will last. I want a love like my parents had.
Stupid tears prick my eyes once more, but I wipe them away. I’ve already cried enough for one night. I’m just a hormonal mess after encountering someone like Gavin. That must be it. He’s riling me up and making me feel things I don’t know what to do with.
Which is why it’s a good thing I turned him down. Right? Right.
I lead Penny into her stall area and hook her to one of the poles. She sniffs at the empty hay bag and I laugh, focusing back on my sassy horse.
“Let me brush you out first. Then I’ll get you something to eat.”
She neighs, and I smile softly as I grab a curry brush and start to work it over Penny’s body.
People think it’s weird how much I talk to Penny, but I’ve always done it. She’s my best friend, the only friend that I have left. Besides, I could swear that she understands me most of the time.
“He was handsome. Don’t you think?” I ask quietly.
She snorts.
I smile, moving down her body more with the brush.
“He seemed nice too.”
That earns me another snort and a head nod, making me sigh.
“I know, I know. I said I was going to forget about him,” I mutter.
A few moments of silence pass between us. A very judgy silence, might I add. Penny definitely doesn’t approve of me turning Gavin down.
“Do you think I made a mistake by saying no?” I ask. “I mean, we just agreed that he was nice and handsome, and it’s been so long since I’ve talked with someone. Besides you,” I add.
She shifts on her feet as I move to her other side.
“It’s been so long since I’ve had fun. You know that I love hanging out with you every day, but sometimes I just need a different kind of fun. He looked like he might be.”
Penny is silent to that, and I sigh again as I grab the next brush.
I need a freaking break. I’ve been performing twice a day for the last year with barely a day off. I’m tired, so tired, but what’s worse is that I’ve lost hope for the future. I can’t see a way out of this, and I’ve just been closing myself off more and more. I’m nineteen, not ninety.
Maybe it’s time for me to try letting someone in for a change. I’ll never meet anyone if I don’t try.
Could I find Gavin in the crowd?
I doubt it. The place was packed tonight, and I’m too short to see over anyone.
“How’s this?” I ask Penny.
She cocks her ears back as I grab the comb and start to work through her mane.
“If I can find him in that big crowd, I’ll take it as a sign and go out to dinner with him. If he still wants to.”
She flicks her tail, and I smile, taking that as a yes.