He touches my elbow gently, his thumb brushing across my flesh. “I know I haven’t been around lately, but that’s going to change, starting today. So, if you need anything, I’m here.”
“Thank you. But it’s probably best if we keep our distance until things cool off.”
“Nope. Not happening. I plan on being here for you, Leandra, and if my brother doesn’t like that, he can go fuck himself.”
“I don’t want to cause more trouble between the two of you.”
“Hey.” He takes my shoulders and leans back, taking my gaze captive. “You didn’t cause this. It’s not your fault, and I won’t let you blame yourself for it. So just…take it easy. For you and the babies.”
I shoot him the warmest smile my cold soul can muster and merely nod.
“Good. Try to get some rest.” He turns and walks out, and I have no idea how long I stay there staring out in front of me, yet not looking at anything. My mind is a maze, and I don’t know which way to go or which path to take. I’m so sick and tired of always making the wrong decisions and going right instead of left or left instead of right. I’m always thinking about what would have happened if I had chosen differently.
What would have happened if I didn’t run that day my father brought a friend home? What would have happened if I had chosen to lie to the cops that day? Maybe my father would have stopped his friend, realizing what he was doing was wrong, that he loved his little girl too much to whore her out for drug money. Maybe that would have been the day he changed for the better. Turned his life around so we could be a happy family. Maybe I should have given him a chance, and things would have been different.
Maybe…
ChapterTwelve
LEANDRA
Ihaven’t seen or heard from Alexius since the shit storm in my bedroom. He hasn’t been on the estate since—that I know of. I’ve gone to his bedroom a dozen times, but there’s no sign of him.
As the days drag on, it’s not just my unease that’s growing, but my belly, too. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, the round of my stomach seems bigger than it did before. My clothes no longer fit the way they used to. Everything is changing except for the sinking feeling in my gut. Alexius isn’t here. He’s gone, and I have no idea where he is. He’s not taking my calls, and neither Caelian nor Isaia knows where he is. I suspect Nicoli knows, but he’s not talking. Maximo still keeps an eye on me, but not to the degree he was before. It’s like Alexius is giving me space.
Too much space.
At first, it felt like I could breathe again with him not around, like the dark cloud that hovered over me dissipated, but it was fleeting. A phantom relief. In the mornings when I wake up, there’s that split second between dream and reality, a moment when my mind is trapped in a place where everything is okay. That Alexius is here, and we’re together, and I could just turn around and find him next to me. Feel him. Smell him. Touch him.
But then reality would slam down on me like a thunderous weight of pain that penetrates my soul.
I’m alone. He’s not here. If I turn around, I won’t find him next to me. I can’t nestle against him, smell him, touch him, or feel him. I can’t wrap a leg over his waist to straddle him, wake him up with a quick morning fuck.
Alexius is not here. He’s not here, and nothing about it is okay. I don’t feel the freedom I thought I would without him clamping down my life. I don’t feel free or light, but rather anchored to a misery that only grows stronger. Darker.
Something is wrong.
Of course, something is wrong. I can’t remember when something was last right. But this feels like a different kind of wrong. Like he’s left me. I can’t explain it. There’s this gaping hole inside my chest, and it’s growing bigger every day without him around. His absence weighs heavily on my chest, and it’s becoming increasingly harder to breathe. I’m terrified and anxious for reasons I can’t articulate because it makes it all too real—like it’s a step closer to being set in stone. Every day is an eternity without him here, and I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can barely keep a conversation without choking up.
I’m not supposed to miss him. I’m not supposed to want him to come back. I should pack my shit and run while he’s not here to hold me prisoner anymore. This is what I’ve wanted, isn’t it? To be able to leave, to be free of him. Yet now he’s the one who left, and now I no longer want that freedom. Alexius has always been a mindfuck, but this is the worst one.
My mind is warped and bent, and I know I should still hate him after everything he’s done. But I don’t. Not even a little. In fact, the betrayal I felt, the anger, it doesn’t compare to the pain I’ve endured since he left.
I’m constantly haunted by his absence, like I’m swathed in darkness, waiting for the black hole to swallow me.
Between dusk and dawn, there’s a lifetime of loneliness. It’s the time of day I dread the most. At night, everything feels a thousand times worse. The sound of the winter’s howl, the whistle as the wind cuts and slashes against the house and windows creates a solemn foreboding in the middle of the night. But the winter is dead—even if there are a hundred different deafening sounds outside, it’s all lifeless—just like these halls…just like me.
I wonder if he’s at Myth, spending his time there instead of here. The thought makes my skin crawl. But how can I not think about it? Alexius is a hunter, a predator with a sexual prowess that’s unparalleled. He’s a skilled lover, and seduction seeps from his pores, making him lethal to any woman. Imagining him at the Del Rossa sex club with other women is not a petty insecurity. Whenever I close my eyes, I have to will myself not to picture him sitting on a red velvet chair, a sexy woman with an hourglass figure and sleek blonde hair on her knees in front of him, sucking his cock and licking his balls. I see him bending over some pretty brunette, driving into her so hard her tits would bounce and her screams would peel the plaster off the goddamn walls.
Fuck!
I can’t. It drives me crazy, turning my disturbing thoughts into murderous inclinations.
I bury my face in my palms, biting back the urge to scream as I drown out the light. The dark magnifies the longing and sharpens the blades stuck in my heart. Bone-numbing fear slithers across my skin as soon as the day turns black, and it doesn’t leave until sunrise. But, even then, it leaves remnants of insecurity and uncertainty. What if he left me? The babies? I’d not only be alone but broken too. And it scares me. The thought of never seeing him again, never feeling his touch or his kiss, never feeling his warmth whenever I’m in his arms—it terrifies me. And I hate it so damn much. I hate it more than the days spent locked up in this room. I hate it more than the thought of Alexius coming inside me with the goal to fucking breed me. Trap me. Leave me with no way out.
I hate not being with him more than I hate everything else.
One would think I’m crazy for still loving him after everything that’s happened. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m that psycho woman who would rather be a glutton for punishment than a wife without her husband. Maybe I’m the obsessed one, and not him. In the end, the heart wants what the heart wants, and mine wants him.