“Can you think of a better reason to get married?”
Clara blinked at her. Not the blink of a woman with dry eyes. The blink of a woman who thought if she cleared her vision enough times Violet might suddenly appear to be less stupid. “Love.”
“Sure,” Clara said. “But really... This is permanent. It’s...” She blinked. “We won’t get married until after we’re sure.”
“Right,” Clara said. “So what are you doing?”
“I’m going to... I’m going to his ranch for a while. For Christmas. I’m getting to know his family.”
“That’s almost romantic,” Clara said.
Violet laughed bitterly and grabbed a cookie. Which she hoped that she wouldn’t throw up. “It was not romantic. Nothing about it was romantic. I am so angry at him. He really...”
“He broke your heart.”
“He did,” Violet said. “And I know that’s ridiculous but...”
“Not ridiculous,” Clara said. “You slept with him. You gave yourself to him. And you asked him to stay.”
She felt tears threatening to fall again. “I know. It’s just... I wish I didn’t have to feel that. I wish I didn’t feel any of that. I wish that I was just okay with everything. I wish that I could push it aside and be rational. Because he’s not... He’s not who I wanted him to be. For me. He’s everything he said he was, and I harbored a fantasy that maybe he would... That he would magically transform into a man with feelings when he warned me he wasn’t one. And you should see the way he is about the baby. It’s intense. It’s not happy. It’s not...”
“Well, you’re not really happy about it, are you?”
“No,” she said. “I’m not happy. But I...” This time tears did start to overflow. “Clara, I want this baby. Really, really badly. And I’m aware that it might be just because I want to prove that I can be a better mother than my own was. That I want to stay. That I want to...” She let out a long, hard breath. “I want to have a relationship like that. A mother-child relationship. Alison is wonderful. She has been the best mother figure to me. She is my mother, really. Calling her my stepmother is... It’s not enough. But there’s still this hole. Because whoever Alison is to me, I was left. By the woman who gave birth to me. By the woman who promised to be there. And she never thought about me again, as far as I know. She never called me again. She never came to see me. She never... She never went hey, where did you go? Why aren’t you in Texas anymore? We moved to Oregon, and I don’t even know if she realizes that. For all I know she still thinks we live in that same house. And she just never...”
“Nothing that you’re feeling is wrong,” Clara said softly. “It’s not. I’ve lost so many people that I’ve loved. And they didn’t choose to leave me.” Violet felt a stab of guilt. Because of course. Clara’s mother and father had died, and then her brother had been killed in Afghanistan. Clara had really and truly been left on her own. She knew all about loss. Deeply.
“And you know what,” Clara said, “I have been really angry about that loss. And they didn’t even choose it. I... You don’t just get over things. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been. When somebody isn’t in your life anymore, the hole it leaves behind is so big, so devastating. Believe me, I know.”
“But Alex helped with that.”
“Yes,” Clara said. “Alex... Alex changed everything. But even more than that, Alex’s love did. That’s what I worry about, Violet. You deserve to be loved.”
And then she realized something very sad. That the first response she wanted to give to Clara was that as far as she could tell, not everybody could be loved. And maybe she was one of those who wasn’t destined to be.
Yes, her father loved her. He loved her deeply. So did Alison. So did all of her siblings. She didn’t doubt it. It was just that...
There had always been a piece of her that had felt inadequate. Because you could add all kinds of new people to your life, but it didn’t take away... It didn’t take away the damage her mother had done. Not entirely.
“Maybe it’s a gift,” she said softly. “Because I can actually make this decision with a little bit more rationality. I understand what’s important. I will be there for our child. And I think it’s important that he is, too. Because he is right. If our child knew that he was out there and was fully capable of taking care of him, but wasn’t... That would hurt. And we don’t want to cause that kind of hurt. We want to do the right thing. We want to do the best we can.”
“Violet, your feelings do matter.”
“I know that,” she said. “But...they aren’t going to be how I make this decision.”
Feelings could be incredibly selfish, and what she’d said to Wolf was true. She wasn’t even always angry at her mother. She did think a lot, though, about how a person rationalized that decision to themselves. That decision to walk away. How they cast themselves as the hero in that decision. And it had always made her feel sad. Wary. Because it had made her believe, deeply and truly, that you could never trust you might find yourself in that same position. Twisting and turning reality until you could justify doing whatever it was you had already decided you were going to do.
“His mom left, too,” Violet said softly. “He wants... He wants a family for the baby and I feel the same way. We don’t want our child to experience the same thing.”
Clara’s expression shifted. “Oh...well, dammit. That makes me hate him less.”
Violet laughed. “Yeah. Me, too.”
“What will I tell everyone?” Clara asked.
“Tell them that I got invited to stay with a friend.”
“And when they ask me if that friend is a man?”