“It’s complicated. And it’s probably not a story you want to hear.”
“Oh, I guarantee you that I don’t. But what I wanted to make sure was... Don’t hold anything back on account of me. That’s it.”
“Well, I was,” Damien said.
“If being with her is something that you want, if it’s something that makes you happy...then be with her. I mean, assuming she wants to be with you.”
“That’s the question,” Damien said.
Levi’s blessing was the first step in being certain this wouldn’t ruin the only family he had left. He couldn’t control what Jessie would do.
But he could change himself. Make real, firm decisions about what he wanted.
He didn’t have any excuses left.
He was the one who had to take this step.
Jessie had done it first. Tried to kiss him. Been the honest one about the attraction between them.
Now he was the one who had to take the risk.
CHAPTER SEVEN
JESSIEWASSTANDINGin front of the Christmas tree, staring up at the lights. She just... She ached. And she couldn’t quite put her finger on why. It was this season. Because it was so full of hope. Because every song promised that if you let your heart be light your troubles would be out of sight. Because the world acted as if Christmas was a giant antidepressant, when for her... Perhaps it was that. The glitter over the top of the darkness. It just didn’t seem to make it better. It often made it worse. And she had wanted to do something, to feel something, that would make that desperate weight go away, and all she’d done was stepped into a further complication.
And then suddenly, she felt his presence behind her. And she knew it was him. Like she knew the snow was falling outside even though she couldn’t hear it. Knew it was him just like she knew that tomorrow, even when the sun lit up the world, and Dylan walked through the door, they would be together, but never really quite together.
Because she knew that no matter how much glitter, there would always be darkness.
She turned to face him. “What do you want?”
“I want to talk to you.”
“Why?”
“Because. It’s Christmas Eve. And you were beginning to look a little bit sad over dinner.”
“Christmas always makes me sad. That’s why I dressed up. And put all that makeup on and went to the masquerade.”
“Because you wanted something to make you feel better?”
“And another memory for Christmas.”
“What’s your bad Christmas memory?”
“It’s not really a bad memory. It’s just a bad feeling. Like it’s supposed to do something that it can’t. And that’s worse than every other time. Like a whole season of birthdays, but you don’t want to get another year older. Something like that. And it’s always being shouted at you. Relentlessly, in songs and movies and commercials, that it’s the season to be joyous. But it’s often when I miss my family the most. Often when I feel the biggest ache. Gratitude toward Levi, and pain over missing my parents. All of it. That’s the problem. It’s just... It’s just so hard.”
“Hey,” he said. “I know.”
“I know.”
“Take a walk with me.”
“It’s cold outside.”
“I guess that’s like Christmas,” he said. “Because here we are, standing in front of the tree, but if we go outside it’s going to be cold. The snow is still there, even though it’s warm in here. Just like the glitter doesn’t take away the grief. It’s just there. Like it’s always been. Like it always will be. So you might as well walk in the snow. For a little bit.”
“I’m not sure if that made no sense or...more sense than any damned Christmas carol I’ve heard.”