Code for he needed a smoke.
“Sure.”
Unlike me and Nix, Kye lived in a prefab, one of the nicest places in The Row. They had a driveway and a proper backyard. But pretty things didn’t mean much here. And Kye and Chloe had their own shit to deal with just like the rest of us.
We headed into the Carters’ small yard and Kye dropped into one of the chairs, pulling a joint out of his pocket. “Fuck, I need this.” He lit the end and inhaled deeply. “You want in?”
“I’m good.”
“Shit, you feeling okay?”
“Someone’s got to look after your sorry ass.”
“Is it what you thought it’d be?”
“What?” My brows knitted.
“Senior year?”
“Never really gave it much thought.” My shoulders lifted in a small shrug. “What about you?”
“Not much point in dreaming big when you know your chances of making it out are next to none.” He stared off into the distance as if he could see his dreams on the horizon, taunting him. Daring him to go after them.
“If you could do anything, what would it be?” he asked.
“How the fuck should I know?”
“Come on, Z. We all want something.” His expression guttered. “Something more than… this.”
Sure I wanted things.
I wanted Grams to be cured, to not spend her days in chronic pain, wondering if her body would let her down again. I wanted to be able to pay her medical bills and get her the best care. I wanted to be able to provide for her and look out for her the way she had for me all these years.
I wanted—
“Fuck,” I breathed, running a hand down the back of my neck. “You can’t ask me that.”
“I get it.” He nodded. “You don’t think I want to fix my mom? To give her everything she needs? But we’re entitled to want something for ourselves too, Z. Otherwise, what’s the fucking point?”
Silence filled the space between us. He made it sound easy—too fucking easy. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d thought about my future, the one I might have had if I had a normal life with parents who loved me. Who wanted me around.
I’d learned long ago there was no point in wishing for things that would never come true. After my mom walked out, Grams told me that I waited weeks… weeks for her to come back. To say she’d made a mistake and that she couldn’t bear the thought of being apart from me.
But she didn’t.
She left without so much as a second glance. And it broke something inside my little kid heart, something that never fixed right. If you couldn’t trust your mom, the woman who birthed you, the one woman on earth who was supposed to love you unconditionally, who the fuck could you trust?
Kye smoked the rest of his blunt, his eyes turning glassy as the drugs worked their way into his bloodstream. “This is some good shit,” he murmured. “You sure you don’t want some?”
“Nah, I’m good.”
“Suit yourself.” He pulled another joint from his pocket and lit it up. “It makes everything feel so much fucking better.”
Yeah, for a little while.
Until you came back down to earth with a bang and realized everything was exactly the same as before.
* * *