Calder
I blinkedmy eyes a few times as I stared at my laptop screen. Juggling the spreadsheet of work schedules had pressure building at my temples. I reached for the bottle of eye drops on my nightstand and tipped my head back. The cool liquid helped, but it would only give me relief for so long.
I refocused on the screen, moving people around so that everyone could get the days off they needed. It was one of my least favorite parts of the job, this kind of admin minutia. But it was a necessary evil, and I’d only be doing more of it if I took over for Cap.
A heaviness took root in my gut. The same sensation I’d felt for the past couple of months whenever I thought about taking on that role. It would be safer for sure, but a lot of it would be boring as hell.
The letters and numbers on my screen started to blur, and I finally exited out of the program altogether. I’d have time before my shift tomorrow to finish it. I moved to shut the laptop and then paused.
Instead of putting the device away and getting some much-needed sleep, I opened an internet browser. I typed inThe Little Daredevil.
The first thing that popped up was a website with the name. I clicked on it. A series of still images traveled across the screen. Hadley mid-air after a mountain bike jump. Rappelling down a cliff. Doing a trick on her skateboard.
I hit the menu button and there was an option for videos. When I clicked that, it took me to a site calledVoyeur. I grimaced at the name. They might as well have called it Stalkers-R-Us. An endless sea of videos cascaded over the screen. How long had she been doing this?
I scrolled and scrolled until I reached the end. I hit the very first video and checked the date. It couldn’t have been more than a month after our falling-out. I toggled over to play.
Music and voices filled the speakers. I recognized Toby’s voice cheering Hadley on as she took her place at the top of a half-pipe. But she was completely focused on something else altogether. In a zone where no one around her existed.
That look wasn’t one she’d worn with me. I’d always been allowed into the bubble she created for herself on our adventures. Our energy fed off each other’s, creating something new. Something better.
Hadley tipped over the edge. I’d never been one for skateboarding, but even with little knowledge of the sport, I could tell that she had skill. Not enough to be a professional, maybe, but more than enough to give me a heart attack.
As Hadley picked up speed, her board swung past the lip of the half-pipe as she grabbed the edge with her hand. I held my breath as she continued to skate back and forth. I didn’t think I took in air until the video ended with whoops and hollers.
I scrolled to one a few months later of Hadley snowboarding. The editing on this one was more advanced. Someone had cut it between three camera angles. One that came from Hadley’s POV, another clearly shot by another snowboarder, and a third that must have been from a drone. I had to admit that the effect was pretty amazing. I got sucked in, leaning closer to my screen, watching as she launched into trick after trick.
I moved farther along and came to one titledPeace on the PCT. I clicked on it. This one didn’t have a bunch of fancy camera work. It was mainly a single point of view. More subdued instrumental music played over the video of some breathtaking sights.
I remembered when Hadley had hiked this section of the PCT completely alone. Of course, she hadn’t told anyone what she was doing until she was already gone. She’d scheduled an email to Hayes that told him her route and where she’d be checking in with approximate dates.
Hayes and his parents had been livid, and I hadn’t been far behind. But I’d used it as a reminder, just another reason why Hadley and I could never be. I didn’t think that type of reckless disregard was something I could have in my life in any real way. Now, I could see that Hadley had been desperate for freedom and peace, to silence the noise we’d all been throwing at her.
Soon, the landscapes switched to Hadley’s face. Even streaked with dirt, she was breathtaking. Immersive beauty pouring out of her. She gave the camera a small smile.
“I thought it might be fun to do a daily check-in. A journal, of sorts.” She looked off into the distance. “Day one is in the books. It was rough, I won’t lie. Not the physical stuff, although I’m sure my muscles will be aching tomorrow. It’s the mental that gets you as you’re walking away from civilization, knowing you’ll be mostly alone for weeks.”
Hadley picked up a stone and flipped it back and forth between her fingers. “I don’t know why the idea of being alone is so scary. I feel alone every day of my life. My family loves me, but they don’t get me. The person I cared most about in this world decided he could walk away from me without a second glance.”
My breath seized in my lungs. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move as I watched the screen.
“I know what it’s like to be alone. Yet, somehow, walking away from that first parking lot was still terrifying. Maybe this is my chance to make peace with aloneness, perhaps even become friends with it.”
She shot a sad smile at the camera. “I’ll let you know how it goes.”
The music came back up as Hadley’s face faded away. And then there was a black screen and silence. Nothing at all. But I could still see the pain etched onto her features as she spoke. I’d known that Hadley needed me, and I’d left her anyway. That made me lower than dirt.
I scrolled to the top to exit out when something caught my eye. It was a one-line comment.“What a slut.”
My scrolling halted. It was on a semi-recent video. One of her cliff jumping, from the looks of it. I expanded the window of comments. There were hundreds of them, maybe thousands. Most of them were kind.
That was killer!
I’m going cliff diving next week. Totally trying this!
There were lots of comments that consisted only of emojis and little image graphics.
But there were ugly ones, too.