I took an involuntary step back as if he’d slapped me. He might as well have. That would’ve hurt less. “That’s what I am to you? A mistake?”
“What? No. That’s not how I meant it—”
“You sure about that? You’ve made it pretty clear how much you don’t want me around these past four years.”
Every millimeter of distance Calder had put between us had been a carefully placed slice of a blade.
“I had to.” The words were guttural as if torn from his throat.
“Why?” It was the one question I’d always wanted to know the answer to but was too afraid to ask.
“You make me want things I can’t have.”
I sucked in a sharp breath, and then my breathing halted altogether. His statement could mean a million different things. I let my silence do the prodding, begging him to explain.
Calder ran a hand through his hair, tugging on the ends. “You don’t think I miss it? I loved those adventures. Letting the world burn around us and disappearing into whatever piece of sky we were chasing that day. But when we did that, people I love got hurt. Those girls are my number one priority, I don’t have the luxury to be reckless like that anymore.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. A part of me had always guessed that Calder wasn’t willing to have any sort of risky hobby when he was the only parent to his girls. But the other piece…it made no sense.
“Calder, Jackie wasn’t in that accident because you went mountain biking and rock-climbing. She was in that accident because she was sick and selfish.”
His gaze cut to me, rage filling it. “I left her alone to go take off on some adventure with you. Too many times to count. I gave her the space to get back into that poison and it almost cost me everything. Now, I’m all Birdie and Sage have.”
I couldn’t seem to get air into my lungs. The ugly stew of guilt and blame and anger pouring out of Calder was like a cloud of thick, black smoke. It would kill us before the flames ever would.
“You blame me.” It was the one thing he wouldn’t say. Because I had been the one to ask him to go with me all those times. Sure, he occasionally had, too. But I’d needed it more than he did, drowning in the pressure from my family to be someone I never had a shot of being.
“Fuck!” Calder spun, kicking a piece of gravel. “No, I don’t. I blame myself, and I sure as hell blame Jackie. But I don’t blame you.”
I stayed quiet. I didn’t believe him. No wonder he’d pushed me away. It all made a hell of a lot more sense now.
Calder turned back around, moving in close. “Hadley.”
I didn’t say a word. His revelations were still spinning around in my head, eating away at what was left of my heart.
His hands came up, framing my face. Those rough palms that I always wished I could feel on my skin were there now. And I felt nothing.
“Hads.”
Everything hurt.
“Little Daredevil.”
I jerked at his words, pulling out of his grasp. “No. You don’t get to call me that.”
He hadn’t used that nickname since he’d all but disappeared from my life. He didn’t get to pull it out now. This time, I would be the one walking away.
And Calder could see how it felt.
10
Calder
Here I was,watching Hadley storm awayagain. But it was my own damn fault. The nickname had been a step too far. Something I didn’t have a right to anymore. That killed.
I stood there for a long moment. Watching the house and hoping Hadley would appear. She didn’t.
Finally, I turned and headed back to my SUV. I felt a painful tug in my chest as I climbed behind the wheel, my body telling me just how wrong it was to drive away. But I didn’t have a choice. Hads wouldn’t hear me now even if I could force her to talk to me.