“I’m here, Alexander,” she states as calm as she could, a broken whisper following after, “I’m here.”
I do not deserve this woman. Lili deserves a man who can lift her up, comfort her through her struggles and dark days, and praise her every day. I fear this beast is too far gone.
Shifting so my back is against the tub, my pulse thumps to a battle beat as I will it to calm. My head hangs low between my legs, my hands grip my knees, and I try wracking my brain at what all took place last night.
*Inner battle*It doesn’t pay to be blackout drunk, now, does it?
No, it doesn’t. Not when it comes at a cost.
“I’ve never hit a woman before.Never.” I rasp. Shame is the burden I must bear now, “You have to know; I was raised better-
“Will ye can quit blethering on about it? Ye dinnae hit me.” She confirms much stronger now, swiping at the other side of my face with the cloth, “I’m fine, I swear to ye it was an accident.” Her hands clasp my cheeks, and she stared straight into my eyes, “Ye stumbled into my flat, went off balance, yer hard head connected with my chin.”
I snagged her wrist to stop the comfort she offered. I didn’t deserve that either.
“I could have hurt you far worse-
“I highly doubt that.” She smiled weakly, “ye were steamin’ and I couldn’t hold ye up. Ye fell to the floor, out cold.” She stated with a lightness trying to alleviate the tension, but it did little to help.
I fought the acid trying to make its presence known again. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths.
She was tortured and molested by her mother’s drunk boyfriend for years; I could’ve unknowingly over-powered her and taken her, raped her like that monster, then I’d transform into exactly what the demons want me to become.
Fuck!The thought chills me to my soul.
“I can’t do this anymore! I’m so fucking tired, Lili.”
I drank myself into a stooper, the demons possessed my body and made me do these things I cannot recall, like a marionette on strings I couldn’t control my thoughts or actions.
It scares the shit out of me.
“Shh.” Lili starts in but I’m quick to change my tune.
I need to be strong for her, not the other way around. Lili shouldn’t have to comfort me, shouldn’t have to deal with a broken man who has one foot in the grave.
“You shouldneverhave to deal with me like this. *Fighting back tears* I’m sorry, Lili-
“There is no need to apologize,” she cut me off casually, “I’m not leaving ye. We will get through this, together.”
“Lili.” I lift my head to find her gentle stare filled with tears as I go about studying her. The dark circles under her eyes told me she was up all night, her complexion is pale, worried, maybe even slightly scared,and that broken lip; I am to blame for her being in this state. “Did you even sleep at all?”
I felt guilty after everything she has done for me. Even after what I did to her last night, she is still here.Why?
She shook her head, “I dinnae want anything happening to ye.”
A flicker flashed through my mind as she swiped the cloth across my forehead again, “you did this for me last night,” I strained to say, taking her wrist that held the cloth, “thank you.”
She smiled faintly and shifted between my open legs to continue her comfort. My eyes close as I accept what she is willing to give. Through all my giving, I take for once. I release her wrist and she resumes cooling me down. The thumping in my ears lessens as she begins hummingHey Judeby the Beatles.
“Gran always did this fer me when I was ill. It helped, even just a little.” Her eyes rake over my appearance and her nose crinkles the slightest bit, “come, it’s time ye get a hot bath and have someone take care of ye fer once.”
I nod unconvincingly, finding I couldn’t move. I just stared at her, those tired eyes, that cracked puffy lip.Fucking hell.How could I be so insensitive? There is enough happening in her life right now to keep her busy, I’m only adding to the burden.
Can she ever forgive me?
“No, yer not doing that,” Lili bites out, a finger waggling and a stern scowl on her face, “no more thoughts of blame. Let me clean ye up,” her smile returned, her tone doing a one-eighty and relaxing into a hint of humor, “then we need to have a serious chat on how ye went through the Marines hitting like a lass.”
My head snapped up in surprise, a chuckle skirting past my lips, “that isn’t funny.”