* * *
I’m layingin bed waiting on Ethan to pick me up for our lunch date. A knock on the door announces his arrival and Lena beats me to the front door. I hear Ethan’s voice greeting her as I walk into the living room to see him, with his signature sexy smirk, which makes my stomach tighten. I walk to him, place my hands on his chest, and lean into to him as he envelopes me in his strong arms. I am instantly soothed by his unique scent.
Ethan kisses the top of my head, then whispers, “I’ve missed you.”
I pull back to look up at him. “I’ve missed you too.” He places his hand behind my head and pulls me closer to him.
He finally lets me go, and we head out to lunch. He takes me to a quaint gourmet sandwich shop that’s bustling with people.
We eat and chat, avoiding the conversation about our pending or doomed relationship. Even so, it’s easy. Not forced. No tension. Wanting so much to be with him, but with Caleb and our date on my mind, I can’t commit either way.
After he pays the bill and gets his card back, Ethan asks, “What are we doing? I didn’t kiss you earlier because I still don’t know where we stand.”
“I don’t know. Caleb apologized. He’s trying to be better.” I pause, confused, not knowing what to say or how to explain. “I haven’t done anything…you know…with him. We fought about the girl who answered his phone, and he laid his feelings out for me. He said he needs me. And I told you I have feelings for him. But I have them for you too.”
Ethan nods his head, and I can see a question forming in his eyes. “You haven’t decided who you want to be with yet?”
I shake my head.
“But you’ve kind of already decided, haven’t you?” He shrugs.
“What do you mean?”
“If you’re still with Caleb, you’ve chosen him. If you can’t or won’t break up with him, then I think that’s who you’re choosing.”
I shake my head slowly as I think about his statement.
“You’re still holding on to him.” He cocks a brow. “I’m sorry, Sophia. I never should’ve put you in this predicament.” He places his hand over mine, squeezing it gently. “Let me get you home. Don’t worry about trying to choose. You already did.” His tone cool, almost unaffected.
I am speechless. He is giving me up. A single tear runs down my cheek as we walk out to his car. I quickly wipe it away, embarrassed I feel so much for him while he can give me up so easily. I should have known better; a guy like Ethan would never be interested in someone like me.
Ethan parks, and I give him a quickbyeand jump out, not knowing how long I can keep my composure. I walk into the apartment and head straight to my room, falling onto my bed before letting the tears fall freely. Lena comes in and sits next to me.
“What happened? You looked so happy earlier.”
“He told me not to worry about choosing. He took himself out of the equation!” I vent. I am so angry at myself for believing he cared for me. Why the hell would he tell me all those things about wanting to be with me if he didn’t mean them? The sobs come out stronger now, and I am having trouble catching my breath.
“What the fuck?” Lena exclaims then pauses to ask. “Wait, what exactly did he say?”
I try to respond between the sobs. “He said that if I’m still with Caleb that I pretty much have made up my mind. That he’s walking away.”
“I’m confused. I’m calling him.”
I grab her arm, shaking my head. “No! Don’t. Please. I’m embarrassed enough. I just want to forget this whole mess.” I bury my face in my pillow letting the tears fall and emptiness take over.
I stay in bed for the rest of the afternoon, napping and waking to cry a little more before passing out again. The ringing of my phone wakes me, and I realize it is dark outside.
I pull my phone out of my purse, checking the screen to see who it is before I answer. Briana’s name appears, so I hit ignore and drop it, staying in bed and not moving. It rings again, and I pick it up to see Briana’s name again. I ignore the phone again and drop it beside me. It begins ringing a third time, and I see Briana’s name, yet again. If I don’t answer, she will continue calling until I do.
“What’s up?” I try and clear my throat inconspicuously since it is dry and raw from an afternoon of crying.
“Don’t what’s up me. What the hell happened? Lena called me worried. She said you have been in bed since you got back and have been crying all day. Tell me what happened.”
The emptiness and hurt come back full force, and I begin to cry all over again. “I can’t. Not right now. It hurts too bad. I’m sure Lena told you everything anyways.”
She sighs over the phone as she responds, “Fine. But if you are hurting this bad, then doesn’t that say something? Isn’t your heart telling you who you want?” The statement makes me start crying even harder. Was my heart choosing Ethan, and I was too blind to see it? “Sof, talk to me. What did I say?”
“You’re right. I do want Ethan. I’ve always wanted him. But he’s let me go. He doesn’t want me.” I walk to the bathroom to grab tissues and see my reflection. I have makeup streaks down my cheeks. My eyes and nose are red and swollen. I look horrible. I laugh at how ridiculous I look, and I have no one to blame except for myself.