I let out a sigh, pushing back my chair to get up and circle around to where she’s sitting. Gently, I slide my hand around the back of her head, feeling her silky hair against my palm as I kiss her forehead lightly, feeling the soft shiver that runs through her. “Just be patient,” I tell her gently. “Everyone will come around in time, at least a little. Just obey the rules and keep your head down, and it will show that you’re doing your best.”
She tilts her head up as I pull back, a flicker of hope in her dark eyes. “Do you think you’ll trust me? In time?”
I feel a knot in my gut at that, a fear that I won’t be able to, that she won’t ever feel happy or loved here, no matter what else happens. “Focus on what can make you happy right now,” I tell her carefully. “Let’s not think too much about the future, other than what’s needed for the baby. That’s the most important thing right now.”
I can feel the disappointment in her, but I pull back. If I’m this close to her for much longer, I won’t be able to stop myself from kissing her. And then—
“I should head back,” I tell her gruffly. “It’s been a long day, and I have plenty to do tomorrow. The doctor should be in touch with you tomorrow with more information about your appointment.”
Isabella nods, getting up. “I’ll walk you out,” she says softly, and I can hear the hint of hurt in her voice. I know what she was hoping for, that I’d stay, that I’d spend the night again, but Ican’t. I can’t let this keep going, leading us deeper and deeper into something that I can’t see a happy ending for.
I can see it in the way she almost arches up towards me as I tell her goodbye, her chin tipping up as if for a kiss before she catches herself and steps back.
“Good night,” she says softly.
“Good night, Isabella.”
Leaving her there feels like one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and I can’t entirely understand why. I’ve never wanted any of this, not a wife or a family. Before Isabella, I was happy with my life the way it was. Even with Saoirse, I’d offered her a future of marriage and children because I wantedher, because I’d wanted so desperately for her to leave with me, not because I truly wanted those things for myself. But with Isabella—
It’s so fucking easy to imagine that kind of future with her. Easier than it should be. Now that she’s here in Boston, after the evening I just spent with her, I can see what it could be like.
But there’s no going back. We can’t undo all the damage that’s been done, and the last thing in the world I want is to hurt her further, if I can’t trust her in the end.
Even if it tears me apart to walk away.
12
ISABELLA
When the day of my first doctor’s appointment comes around, I’m a mess of nerves. I’ve seen Niall every few days for the last two weeks, but not as often as I’d like. He comes bringing groceries or flowers or just to check on me, and every time, it takes everything in me not to touch him. He’s barely laid a finger on me, much less kissed me, since that first night when he stayed with me. The loss of the physical connection between us feels like a physical ache, one that I do my best to ignore. I remind myself that the hurt I feel is nothing compared to how I’ve hurt him by lying, the secrets I kept, the corner I backed him into.
He’s waiting for me in the car when I come down, after getting a text. It took me forever to decide what to wear, feeling like this day together is a date of sorts, even though I know it’s really not. I’d finally settled on a black slip dress with a waxed cotton jacket over it and a pair of heeled boots when my phone had gone off, and I’d rushed to swipe on mascara and lip stain and throw on the gold hoops with a single diamond in the center of them that Ana had encouraged me to pick out. As always, the gemstone necklace that Niall gave me is around my neck, and I hope he notices.
I see his eyes flick to it as I slip into the car, but I’m instantly distracted by his face. There’s a split at the corner of his lower lip, the shadow of a bruise at his jaw, and I reach out instinctively, fingers hovering just shy of it.
“Are you alright?” I ask softly, my heart suddenly tripping over itself in my chest at the thought of him being hurt. “Did something happen?”
Niall shakes his head. “It’s nothing, lass,” he says, shrugging it off. “I’ve just been training more at the gym, putting more hours in the boxing ring. Bumps and bruises are just part of the territory.”
“Why?” I drop my hand, biting my lip, my nerves over the appointment momentarily forgotten. “I don’t understand.”
Niall glances sideways at me. “I told you, lass. I’m a fighter. A bruiser. Liam and I used to train together, but he’s busy with the wee one these days more often than not, or Kings’ business. This new fellow hits hard.” He rubs his jaw with a wry grin. “I think Liam’s been pulling his punches all these years. I’ll have to have a word with him about it, aye?”
I don’t know what to say. I have a deep-seated feeling that Niall is spending more time in the gym to escape the tumult of our relationship, maybe even to fight his desire for me. I know it feels as if it eats away at me, day after day, the longing for him, for the warm darkness of a desert hotel room before all the lies caught up to us, nearly painful.
“I don’t like the idea of you hurt,” I say softly, and he turns to look at me, his dark blue gaze catching mine. Something passes between us then, the flicker of a moment, and my chest clenches as I wish with everything in me that he’d lean forward and kiss me. I can imagine it so easily, the press of his palm against my jaw, the warmth of his hand, the softness of his lips.
“It’s not hurt, not really,” he says instead, leaning back. I feel the space between us like a gulf, cold and aching. “It’s a release of sorts, lass. It’s hard to explain if it’s not your thing, aye? There can be good in pain, sometimes.”
The silence grows between us, and I sit there, my hands folded on the silky fabric of my skirt as the car pulls through the sparsely trafficked streets of Boston, all the way to the building where my OB/GYN is.
Niall looks equally nervous as we get into the elevator. “Are you alright?” I ask, glancing at him, and he chuckles softly.
“It’s my first time doing this too, you know.” He pauses, glancing sideways at me, and to my surprise, he takes my hand. “So I suppose in the end, both of us have had firsts together.”
I have to blink back tears at that, unable to meet his eyes. There’s a sudden, unexpected closeness between us, a different kind of intimacy that I haven’t felt before. “I’m glad it’s with you,” I murmur softly. “Even if I didn’t mean for it to happen.”
Niall says nothing, and I feel that clenching knot of anxiety in my stomach again. I want him to say he’s glad too, but I know that might be too much to want right now, when he didn’t ask for any of this. None of it was part of his plan for his life, and I’ve upended all of it.