“Cognitive behaviour therapy, Acceptance and Commitment therapy, schema therapy… So many therapies…” I smiled then, a nervous gesture to cover the discomfort that rose at my confession.
“When all Evie really needed was me.”
I gave him a moment to think that, feel that, because the reality was something quite different. Then I shook my head slowly, smiling, but making it clear.
“People grow up with a bunch of dumb ideas and coping strategies,” I explained. “We think because we can hold down a job or succeed at school that our strategies are fine. All therapy does is look at those coping methods and make sure they are healthy ones. Ones that are fit to be passed down to our kids. Evie does need you, rather desperately.”
She shifted by my side, mumbling something, which made me lower my voice.
“But therapy will help you to become the best father you can be for her.”
Ben’s eyes slid to Evie then and the way he looked at her? Like he treasured every little baby snore, and the way her face was smushed up into my side. Like he loved her with every damn beat of his heart and that’s when I felt yet another spike of regret.Hindsight is 20/20, I told myself.You didn’t know.
You also didn’t bother to find out, came a much harsher thought.
Either way, I told myself, we would need to find a way to ensure their relationship continued to blossom, because the change in Evie had been quite stark.
I didn’t understand why, but her teacher caught me at the gates at drop-off one morning and asked if we’d started a new medication. Evie was much more centred and responsive in class. She particularly liked this new mantra, ‘we are strongest when we are showing respect’, and had incorporated it into the class routine. I’d mumbled something about a new therapist, which had just spurred more interest, the woman wanting to know who so they could help other kids. I’d fobbed her off with some vague response and then hurried back to my car.
“Well, I better get our girl home,” I said. “Did you want to do pickups or drop offs?”
“Both,” he replied. “I’m not doing anything currently and it’d make your day easier, right?”
Easier? Yes. Emptier? Also, yes. We had a million cool little conversations in the car on the way to and from school.
“We’ll divide the school run up between us,” I said. “I’ll need to pick her up the day after tomorrow as she has another session at Crowe Corp.”
And with that, we hammered out a schedule for the week, like a pair of reasonable, responsible adults. But it was when he got up, reaching down for our child and then scooping her up, holding her as she sleepily shifted in his arms, and as he just stared down at her, that logical, smart Lily went out the window. He held her like a baby, her head resting in the crook of his arm, the other supporting the long legs that dangled off by the side. He heard her grumble, then whine and he talked her down in a low, soft burr of a voice, and that’s when it felt like my body was being dipped in candle wax.
Heat flared hot inside me, rushing up and burning me whole in a confusing tumble of emotion and reaction. It was just too easy to see him doing the same with a much smaller child, cradling our baby to his chest. A little brother perhaps? A whole pack of them, each man holding one close as they bent down and introduced them to their big sister…
“I should get her home,” I said. “She’ll be grumpy as hell in the morning if she doesn’t get enough sleep, and then you’ll have to deal with that.”
We wentinside the house and Ben carried Evie out to the car as I stopped to say goodbye to Sophie, Taylor and Carmen.
“She’s really taking to him,” Soph said as she watched Ben leave. “I wasn’t sure… but Evie seems to be responding really well to him in her life.”
“The others have potential too,” Carmen said. She eyed Jasper and Damon as they took my car keys from Ben’s fingers, opened the front door of the house for him, and seemed to spend way too much time making sure Ben didn’t hit her head on the doorjamb as he walked through. “But that Logan…”
“Everyone’s saying ‘but that Logan’, Mum,” Sophie replied. “Lils, I think we need to seriously put some more caveats into the parenting agreement around him.”
“I’m with you on that. He came by the shop and…” My lips thinned as I remembered the conversation. The shitty words, they were what stuck out the most, but then there was the memory of him tugging me close… I shook my head with a frown. “And I’ve seen nothing that makes me think I want him around my child,” I finished.
“I’ll talk to Leo about setting up another meeting.” Soph walked around the kitchen bench and gave me a hug. “We have to get Janet, and the rest of the pack, to agree, but we can go hard for this. Just keep any emails, letters of any documents he sends you. If we have to, we’ll try and hit up Crowe Corp for any evidence we could use.”
“Maybe we should see if the therapy they’re doing at the centre is going to help him at all first,” Taylor said. We all turned around to stare at him. “The guy is a giant dick. Always has been, but with a dad like theirs…”
“I just don’t want people to have to say the same about Evie,” I said, my tone growing icy. “For people to have to explain away her shitty behaviour because Logan is her father.”
“Right. Yep. Got it,” he said, throwing up his hands.
“Come by on Sunday if you can,” Carmen said, placing a kiss on my cheek. “Bring some of those boys of yours with you. I’ll make a lamb roast with all the trimmings.”
“We’re free, Sunday,” Taylor said brightly because Carmen’s roasts were legendary.
“You’re invited naturally, Taylor,” Carmen replied with a smile. “As long as you do right by my daughter, you always have a place at my table. Now, if you proposed—”
“Muum…” Sophie groaned theatrically. “Time to leave. I’m due in court first thing in the morning.”