I’d closedup the shop mid-afternoon like I normally did, but when I walked over to my car, my muscles in my legs felt too tight, my steps were too short and sharp.Ben, my mind kept pointing out over and over again.You’re going to see Ben.
But that didn’t matter, did it?
I imagine it’s the same with every woman, that each one of us hasthatguy in their past. The one who got under all our defences, particularly if we met him at a time in our life when we had few of them in the first place. The one that sliced right down deep to the heart of us and, no matter how we’d healed since, there was real, tangible scar tissue there as a result. But rather than ruminate on any of this, I turned the radio up loud and listened to some woman singing about being strong, all the way over to Sophie’s offices.
I’d left a little early,hoping to get there, get settled, have a shitty coffee placed before me and a stream of small talk started,beforehe walked in, but of course, that didn’t happen. Instead, I met Sophie in the darkened lobby of their firm, the place closed for the day. I marched with her down the hall, my steps strong until I came to the open doorway. Because there he was.
Sophie entered the room, but I froze. That same feeling, of cold, cold shock, replaced quickly by something white-hot, it hit me all over again and this time I didn’t have Evie to distract me from it. This time, I wasn’t a mum, or a patient that had come to Crowe Corp. This time, I was just Lily and I didn’t get a chance to be her very often. As if in response to that, emotions surged up, not to be denied. They were making a break for it, because at any other time, I’d be stuffing them down, never to see the light of day.
He looked good, too damn good. I might have my Perfect Arse jeans on, but he didn’t seem to need sartorial support, evidently having slept in what he wore yesterday. Either that or he had a year’s supply of the same flannel shirt and jeans in his truck. Those blue eyes lifted wearily, but when they met mine, they cleared, becoming brighter, sharper, laser focussed. They travelled down my body slowly as he got to his feet, seeming to notice every damn wardrobe adjustment I’d made and glorying in the results, before his gaze came back to meet mine. And that’s where we stayed.
“So, if everyone wants to have a seat…” Sophie prompted.
I shook my head and did just that, taking a spot away from everyone else. It felt like my every nerve ending was exposed and jangled harshly in a non-existent breeze. Trying to calm myself, I placed my hands neatly on the table and took a breath before letting it out slowly.
“You’ve chosen not to bring your representation today, Mr Morrison?” Leo asked smoothly.
“No, I don’t need a frigging lawyer and neither does my brother.” Ben glanced over at me. “They would’ve told you the bullshit Logan’s proposing. He won’t go through with it. I’ll beat the bastard bloody and then drive him back home and dump him in a shallow grave if he does.” We all blinked at that and his focus dropped to his hands. “Sorry, that didn’t sound very fatherly, did it? I just want to see my daughter. I don’t want to try and take anything away from you, but I need…”
It was then I felt a flush of the most perfect guilt. In my defence, this was never part of the Ben I had in my head. I imagined us running into each other on the street, or that I might walk into Sophie’s backyard for a BBQ and find him there. In my mind’s eye, I saw him seeing Evie and being delighted by her, but not this. Not this terrible, gut-wrenching longing which made no sense, and yet it did. I didn’t know how or why, but he felt just like me about my baby…our baby.
I nodded then and turned towards the others.
“I have no intention of stopping Ben from seeing Evie, but he dumped the fact he was her father on her, in a waiting room full of people. My daughter has… very volatile moods and, when triggered, can go into a meltdown. That’s what happened yesterday. She was absolutely inconsolable, kicking and punching and smashing everything in her path.”
I turned back to a wide-eyed Ben.
“You didn’t mean to do that. I don’t hold you responsible, but if you want to be in our daughter’s life, you have to know what you’re doing. She’s beautiful and funny, and smart as a whip, but she’s a little girl with an alpha’s temperament.”
“An alpha?”
Ben barely whispered the words, seeming to need to process them, but when he did, he surprised me. Something eminently satisfied rose then. God dammit, the man was proud? I guess that made sense, but…
“I don't know what legal rights you have. I didn’t even think about that until now, but know this. I won’t fight you. I’ll make sure you get to see her, to spend time with your daughter, to help you build a relationship with her, as long as you prove to be a positive influence in her life.” I was proud of myself now, my voice crisp and clear and Sophie nodded along in support. “I’ve been told over and over she needs alphas in her life. You can be that alpha, but that means everything you do and say around her needs to be with her best interests in mind.”
“I get that,” he replied, his voice raspy. “Really, I do. You don’t know…” He smiled wryly, then started again. “Everything we learn growing up is about keeping the town and our pack safe. I’ve been preparing to be a dad my whole life. My mum is gonna have kittens when she hears about Evie. She’s been on our cases…”
His lips thinned, then he ran his tongue across them before casting a sidelong look my way.
“I’m ready to prove to you that I’m up for this,” he said, staring into my eyes, not looking away for a second. “And so are my brothers. Logan can go fuck himself.”
“Can we write that down?” I said with a nervous laugh. “The defendant agrees that Logan Morrison should go fuck himself.”
A few chuckles went up around the room then, breaking some of the tension.
“We figured we’d just start things with me first and see how that went, build up some trust,” Ben continued. “You can meet the boys, check them out and see what they’re like, before they get to see Evie… I know you don’t get it, but… we’re a pack.”
“And you view any children that come as all of yours,” I finished for him, proud of how cool and clinical I was being. “I know.”
“No, it's more than that.” I watched his hands sink into his hair and rake across his scalp. “When I saw my baby, when I breathed her scent in, something inside me just fucking clicked. I feel like I’ve been waiting for Evie all of my life and I didn’t even know she existed. It’s her presence, her…” He clawed at the slice of brown chest exposed by his shirt. “I feel her here and Jasper feels the same. Logan does too, that’s why he’s being a fucking prick about it.”
He took one long shuddering breath, then another.
“I want to tear this city apart looking for her. I want to see her. I want to know where she is at all times, what she’s doing and that she’s safe.” His hands clawed at the table and we all blanched as claws created furrows along the desk. “I need to protect my baby!”
That last part was more wolf than man and when his head jerked up his eyes glowed and his fangs flashed.
“I think a psychologist should be something we include in the parenting agreement,” Sophie said coolly. “I understand your sentiment—”