I’d had nothing to be frightened of until this moment, and the one person I was most afraid of was me.
I was afraid of losing him because I wasn’t whole.
I was afraid of the things I would do to ensure he never knew my horrendous secret.
I was afraid of the insidious whispers of seducing him to see if the doctors were wrong. Of using him to find out one way or another if I was truly damaged beyond repair.
How far would I go if I let myself tumble down that path?
Not waiting for my reply, Elder grabbed my elbow and stomped toward the exit. “We’re leaving. This was a bad idea.”
Leave?
I couldn’t.
Not yet.
Not until I’d had time to plaster my holes together and render over them to hide the cracks.
“No, wait.” I leaned against his tug, dragging us to a standstill. “I’m fine. Sorry, my mind just drifted.”
Don’t see my lies.
Elder scowled, disbelief on his face as he peered into my eyes. “Are you sure?”
His black gaze, as usual, was far too perceptive and had an uncanny way of deep sea fishing into my soul, hooking the truth even while it did its best to wriggle away.
Forcing a smile, I nodded. “I’m sure.” I touched his wrist gently. “I keep thinking my ailments are private, but you were there when I had that panic attack on the stairs.” It wasn’t the right thing to do—bringing up our first meeting at Alrik’s once again, but I’d rather cast his mind to that terrible place than this new one I couldn’t formulate. “You gave me your jacket. You started my heart beating again. I promise on that moment that if I have another attack, I’ll tell you and beg you to take me far away where it’s just the two of us.”
And possibly never three or four.
I crushed the voice of barrenness.
His eyes tightened. His teeth sinking into his bottom lip with deliberation. He made me weak and wanting, encouraging me to fib.
“You know…” I lowered my lashes, letting some of my pain show. “You might be right. I might’ve had a tiny panic attack, but I’m fine now.” I looked up, forcing every courage and falsehood onto my face. “Truly, El.”
It took him an eternity—an eternity where I wanted to perish for deliberately lying to him—until he nodded gruffly. “Fine.”
My tongue fluttered for more fibs, needing to patch up the awkwardness between us. Only our host stepped forward, inserting himself into our conversation.
“I’m sorry for overhearing, but did you say you struggle in crowds, too?” Jethro Hawk asked in a deceptively bored voice.
My eyes narrowed, hearing more than I should in his tone. No matter the aloof politeness on his face, he couldn’t hide the sudden interest hiding there.
His wife scowled, floating closer and placing her hand on his arm as if in some subtle code to behave.
Forcing my eyes from the golden inspection of her husband, I shrugged as if this whole thing was a huge waste of time and misunderstanding. “Like anyone, I have moments of fear as well as every other emotion. Who doesn’t?”
Jethro rubbed his chin, his salt and pepper hair turning him ageless as well as wise. “Everyone does but some more so than others.”
He spoke as if he were ancient and not in his early thirties as I suspected. He phrased things in a way that hinted he wasn’t just talking about our current topic.
He unnerved me.
“Just like fear, some unlucky people have endured more trauma in their past than others.” I shot back, unwilling to let him win. I didn’t know why my hackles rose when he stared at me. My back prickled as if he could see more than he should. As if he understood exactly why I’d gone so quiet and why my heart raced so sickly now.
“Trauma can come in many forms, no doubt about that.” His wife smiled.
My chin rose. “I agree. Only there is no such trauma now.” Pressing close to Elder, more for my benefit than for his, I added, “Elder is the reason I no longer endure that word.” Feeling far too studied and stripped bare, I turned ever more defensive. Jethro’s question repeated in my mind. The fact he’d asked if I struggled in crowds too, meant he had issues himself.
He might be the master of this castle, but I wouldn’t let anyone unsettle me again. “Why do you not enjoy crowds, Mr. Hawk? If you prefer smaller company, why invite so many guests tonight?”
Mr. Hawk kept his face indifferent. “It’s not that I don’t enjoy crowds. It’s that they provide too many opportunities like this one.” He waved his hand as his wife cleared her throat. Shooting her a glance, he said, “Anyway, that is another subject for another time. To answer your question simply, I prefer the company of those I trust far more than those I don’t.”