I nodded. “I am.”
“Do you have a last name?”
Elder tensed. “She has both a first and a last name, but for now it’s just Pim.”
Jethro studied us as if Elder had given up a lot more than just my name. He opened his mouth to reply, but two children streaked up ahead, miniature ballgown and tux flying as they bolted through the labyrinth of corridors, squealing in joy.
Jethro’s face softened with absolute affection.
The same newfound agony that’d hit me in the police station found me again.
I gasped at the yearning in my heart—the way it held out its arms for something I never wanted and now would give anything to deserve.
I’d never had anything against children before—not that I’d been around many. They were just tiny humans who belonged to other people. Even seeing the love Jethro held for his offspring didn’t make my heart patter with hunger.
But that was because I wasn’t in love with Jethro Hawk.
I was in love with Elder Prest, and I made the mistake of glancing at him thanks to the vice-clench of his fingers around mine at the sound of children’s laughter.
His face turned white, his eyes black as pitch. One look and I knew where his thoughts had gone: to his younger brother who burned. To his cousins he wasn’t allowed to contact. To his family he’d stocked an entire yacht with gifts for.
Elder came across so solitary—sailing the seas, content as long as he was away from land. Only his aloneness ate giant holes in him, infecting me, making me wish I could snap my fingers and give him everything he was missing.
The newness inside blinked into an all-encompassing craving. And this time…it was even worse. A crippling. A maiming. A terrible, horrible knowledge that if I could have such an awakening to wanting children…imagine how awful it would be for a man who put family above everything.
I wanted to join us together. I suddenly desperately, torturedly needed to merge and give him a child of his own.
That thought shocked me stupid.
I wanted children.
Elder wanted children.
I can never give him children.
I could never give him back the family who’d ostracized him, and I was too damaged to give him a new one—one that belonged entirely to him.
My heart wept even while my eyes remained dry.
Conversation carried on around me, but I lost track.
All I could think about was how irrevocably I’d just changed and how quickly it had happened. How swift I’d gone from singular to plural. How Elder was mine now, through and through. And I didn’t deserve him because I could never give him what he ultimately needed.
My love would never be enough.
I’ll never be enough.
Oh, God…
The pain of it.
The unfairness—
“And you? Are you enjoying Hawksridge Hall?”
The question wriggled its way inside my mind, interrupting my steamrolling thoughts. I tried to latch onto it, but I was dragged back down again.
I’d known pain. Immense, earthquaking pain.
But I’d never known something quite as sharp or quick as the heartbreak of knowing I could never give Elder a child. That this new ticking inside me was counting on a broken clock. A clock that would never be able to tell the time or deliver what I suspected was the one thing Elder wanted most in the world.
What if he eventually resented me?
Tears trickled from my heart to my eyes at the thought of not being whole. Of not being able to give him everything he needed and more.
I need to leave…
The pain just kept getting worse.
My fingernails dug into the dense fabric around my waist.
Common sense tried to snap me out of it.
Even if I could have children, I was young. Didn’t I want to continue being young? There was no rush.
I almost scoffed at the thought. For two years, I’d lived wanting nothing more than to die. Now I was living I wanted to live. I wanted to laugh every minute and smile every hour. I wouldn’t let right or wrong timelines sway my life.
Never again.
Even my mother had advised the same.
And I can’t do a damn thing about it.
“Pim?” Elder brushed his lips over my ear, wrenching me back into my exquisite gown, drenching me in threads of orchestra music, and leaving me standing before the lord and lady of this ancient manor.
I gasped, rubbing at the burning in my heart before dropping my touch protectively over a stomach that would forever be flat and useless.
Get it together.
Forget it.
You’re alive. Focus on that and stop asking for more than you deserve.
“Sorry? What?”
Elder scowled. “Are you okay?” He pulled back, planting his hands on my shoulders. “Panic attack?” His eyes scanned over my head to the ballroom still chaotic with dancers and partiers. “Shit, I didn’t think. Crowds—they’ll be too much for you.”
How funny that I hadn’t even thought about it.
I’d arrived with Selix protecting me and found Elder’s stunning face half hidden behind a rich velvet mask, and I’d been happy, not fearful.