I love you,
Ellie
When I scanned the paper, I found myself unsatisfied with what I had written. It seemed so empty and inadequate, but too much time had gone by without any communication and it seemed wrong to tell them everything in an essay. There was so much I wanted to tell them, and there had been times when I had been at my lowest ebb and just needed my parents to offer me some comfort, support, and a little wisdom. They’d never been much good at the latter, but I wondered if I had been a part of the problem before. Wisdom was only good if you were receptive to it, and I, most certainly, had not been.
I started to think that I hadn’t given them enough credit. They’d managed to make it through life after all and it wasn’t as though I had all the answers myself. Perhaps now, as an adult, I might be more receptive to some of the things they had to say.
I folded the paper in two and stuffed it in an envelope, feeling better for having written the letter. I still wasn’t a hundred percent sure that I would send it yet, but it was another step on my journey of recovery. However, after the incident with Dalton I wasn’t sure how soon I would be able to feel romantic with anyone again, or if it would indeed be possible. Both Andy and Dalton had seemed charming in the beginning; if I couldn’t trust my instincts, then I could never be safe, and the best prevention was to not get into romantic situations at all. It was sad, because my heart was big and she wanted to share my love with others. A big part of me wanted to have a family, but to do so meant finding the right man, and that was a challenge in and of itself. I had no idea what the right man would even look like.
Being single wouldn’t be so bad, I suppose. Having a family was just a biological drive, after all, and there were plenty of people in this modern world who had other ambitions and had fulfilling lives without having children. There was always the possibility of adoption, as well, at some point in the future, or even getting artificially inseminated. The more I thought about it, the more I wasn’t going to let anyone or anything stop me from getting what I really wanted. That’s what I had to be like, that was the new me.
It was an effort to not slip into old habits again, but instead of throwing myself on the bed and weeping, I rose and pushed the sadness deep down inside me until it was nothing more than a tight ball, coiled and throbbing in the pit of my stomach. I had work to focus on, I had a career to make and an identity to forge, and nothing was going to stand in my way. I could make peace with my past and then move forward towards my future, and it was up to me whether I chose to involve a man or not.
But then my resolve threatened to buckle as my cell phone rang and Dalton’s name appeared on the screen. I almost choked on my breath as I stared at it. The vibrations rumbled as loud as thunder in my mind and I was tempted to just ignore it, but that wasn’t the person I wanted to be. I no longer wanted to be scared and tentative. Dalton should be the scared one. In a moment of courage I snatched up my phone and answered it as dispassionately as I could.
“Hello?” I asked, pretending like I didn’t know who was calling.
“Ellie? It’s me, Dalton.”
“Oh, hello,” I let my voice drop. “What do you want? I don’t have anything else to say to you.”
“That may be so, but I still have things I want to say to you. I don’t like how things ended between us and I’m not the type of man to give up on what he wants. I know that you’ve been through a lot, but I promise I won’t hurt you Ellie. I’m not like your ex. What we had was so good, so different. I haven’t been able to get you off my mind. It’s not the kind of thing I’m used to feeling and I think it’s worth fighting for. You know yourself, how hard it is to find someone you can trust and share this kind of intimacy with, I just think it’s a shame to let it all slip away so easily, based on nothing more than fear.”
How ironic, I thought. I couldn’t believe he had the gall to say these things when he had some kind of scheme going on. How could he expect me to trust him when he lied to me?
“It wasn’t just fear Dalton. It was my instinct.”
“Are you sure your instinct is right in this instance?”
“Yes, I am,” I said. “And I’d really rather not go into it. I don’t have to justify myself to you. I understand you’re unhappy and I’m sorry for that, but I’ve made my choice and I ask that you respect it.”
“Can’t we meet up for coffee and talk about this face to face?”
“No Dalton, we can’t. It’s time for you to let this go.”
“Please Ellie, please, just tell me what I did wrong.”
I was surprised by the desperation in his voice. If there was one thing that I never thought I’d hear, it was desperation from such a strong, powerful man as Dalton. It was quite a contrast to the shuddering moans that crashed against my ears as we made love. I had to make a serious effort to quell the arousal that threatened to flare inside me. There were moments when I was weak, when I was at the mercy of my attraction to him and it took a concerted effort to stop myself from slipping into that state of mind. There was a lot of truth to what he said; this thing we had, this connection we had made, was intense, and part of me wanted to see it flourish, but he had betrayed my trust and there was no coming back from that. I was tempted to just end the call then, but if he wanted the truth then I would give him the truth.
“You really want to know Dalton? Well, you lied to me for starters. There’s something going on and you haven’t been entirely forthcoming with me. I heard you on the phone in the middle of the night. I don’t know what you’re up to, but I don’t like being involved in these games and I’m not going to be some sort of puppet.”
“You’re not a puppet Ellie,” he said quickly.
“Then what am I? What am I, Dalton? Who were you speaking to and what did you mean?”
“It’s not what you think Ellie, really it isn’t. Please, just trust me, just meet me for a drink and I can explain.”
“You can explain now, Dalton.” The silence on the other end of the phone was devastating. “I thought not. That’s the problem Dalton, I need someone to tell me the truth when it matters. Goodbye.”
I ended the call and threw the phone down, putting my head in my hands. I rubbed my temples and groaned. Why did things always have to be this complicated? I saw other people who fell in love and they always made it seem so easy. Was I just making that up, or was there just something wrong with me? My heart cracked and I crawled to bed, wishing that I had never met Dalton in the first place. The most painful thing was that I couldn’t focus on his bad side; I kept thinking about our bodies pressed together in fervent heat, about the way we had been so attuned with each other, moving in perfect harmony. It was enough to make me scream with anguish, for I knew I had lost something precious, and it was all Dalton’s fault.
Chapter Nine
It was late at night and I struggled to sleep. A soft breeze tugged at the curtains through the crack of the window and, as they wafted open, I saw the silver moonlight. It looked so calm and peaceful and, indeed, the city itself seemed to be deep in slumber. I spread my arms across the empty space in my bed, remembering the warmth that surrounded me when Dalton had shared this space. My body quaked every time I thought of him and I hated how he had such a profound effect upon me, but it was only a matter of time before I forgot him. All feelings passed eventually.
At least that’s what I told myself. It didn’t seem entirely comforting.
Work wasn’t proving as much of a distraction as I’d hoped. It was just leaving me more fatigued and, on nights like this when I was finding it difficult to get to sleep, it was entirely frustrating, because I knew my performance would suffer. I wanted to be the best version of myself, but it always seemed as though there was something in my way.