Whether I like it or not, the rude awakening Desmier hit me with about wanting him and wanting more than just one time with him was the truth.
I couldn’t refute it then, and I can’t now. And that’s the problem.
I thought I was in love with Viktor, but how could I claim to be in love with him if I can admit to wanting another man?
And so quickly?
If I were in love with Viktor, I shouldn’t be tempted at all. And I should hate the way I don’t despise everything Desmier makes me feel when I’m with him.
When we’re together, something ignites in me and there is just me.
Me without the memories of decency and duty.
Me being me, acting on impulse, instinct and arousal the same way any other unattached woman would.
I never thought I’d end up in this crazy triangle where I’m questioning my love for Viktor and the pirate man who stole me has sown havoc in my heart.
The trouble with that is, things are not simple when it comes to Desmier. Succumbing to anything I feel for him, even a little bit, is dangerous. Nothing has changed when it comes to what brought us together. My father is still my father, there are still important things I don’t know, and I’m still a pawn in a game.
“Hey, are you okay?” Lorelai taps my knuckles.
“Yes, I’m fine.” I straighten and paste a smile on my face, praying no one can see past the mask. My friends still think I’m crushed about losing Viktor and feel sorry for me. They’ve gone above and beyond to make me feel better, which I appreciate, but I don’t want to always look like the needy one among our group, hogging all the attention. “Sorry, I just lost track.”
“I think that’s my fault. I was talking about my trip again,” Willow says, looking guilty.
It’s me who should feel guilty. I didn’t even realize when the conversation changed. “No, please don’t think that. I’m just a little tired. I love hearing about your trips.”
“I’m glad. I don’t want to bore you.” She giggles.
“Never.”
Willow is married to Caspian Ivanov, the Pakhan’s son and campus god. No one would ever get tired of hearing about the trips he takes her on. She’s also the heir to all things Raventhorn.Literally.Her great-great-great-times-a-hundred grandfather was Raventhorn himself. The way people talked about her when we started college was like the excitement in the wizarding world when Harry Potter went to Hogwarts.
“You sure you’re okay? I know you must be on edge with Desmier coming back,” Eilish states, tilting her head. Her electric-blue bob makes her look like a character from an anime.
“Yes, I definitely am.”
“Try not to worry. It’s not good for you.”
“Sure, I know.” I wish I could try, but I think it’s impossible with so much going on.
“Do you think you might be able to go out with us tomorrow?” Lorelai cuts in. “They have an open-air cinema in the park.”
“I’d like that.”
“Yay. It’ll be fun, and we can do dinner as well.” Willow clasps her hands in glee, and her entire expression brightens.
“That would be amazing.” I nod, agreeing
Willow starts listing out our favorite restaurants, which leads us back to her trip with Caspian. As they fall into conversation, I get lost in my thoughts again.
It’s not long after that, that Caspian and Lucian, Eilish’s fiancé, come to get them, leaving me with Lorelai, who gives me a curious look the moment they’re out of earshot.
“Okay, now we can really talk.” She shuffles to face me.
“What? What do you mean?”
She sighs in frustration. “We need to talk about thatthingwe haven’t spoken about yet.”