New plan in mind, I start to piece things together. I turn the corner and Jace comes into view.
“You were there the whole time,” he says.
“At least she’s talking to you.”
“Have you tried to call?”
“All the fucking time.”
He holds his hands up as if in surrender. “You know she’s stubborn. I’m not saying she’s wrong, but she’s not going to make this easy for us either.”
“Let me ask you something. This twin thing. It doesn’t sound crazy to you?”
“No, at the end of the day, Ny has been telling us she’s not going to choose between us. Yes, she loves you as her first everything because that’s who you are to her, but she loves me too. It only makes sense she wouldn’t want to choose who her baby’s father is.”
“Um.” I fold my arms across my chest. “Do you think we can really pull it off?”
“What does it hurt to try?”
“Jace, I don’t want children. Look at what I’m doing to keep Nyla safe. I’m not pretending my children are nothing to me like what I’ve done to Ny… I want to take it back with all my heart.”
“We can’t go back. We can only go forward. I want what she wants with everything I am, but I’m not going to force that on you. I don’t think there’s been a time in your life I haven’t seen something forced on you.
“This has to be your decision. Your happiness.”
I throw my head back and blow a breath out, then shake my head clear.
“Babies from us both,” I scoff.
“I have a question for you. Really think about it. You’re willing to share a wife with me, right?”
“I’ve thought about it.”
“If I had a child with someone else and something were to happen to me, would you not raise that child as your own?”
“That would become my son or daughter. You know that without question.”
He sits silently, staring me in the eyes. “God, I hate you.”
“The world teaches us we’re not masculine if we show love to another man openly. You know I love you like crazy, I’d die for you, if you need a hug after a fucked-up day, my arms are open.
“You need to talk, I’m a listening ear, but I’m no less masculine than you. There’s never been a question about my manhood, other than from an old prick who’s probably the one wishing he could date some poor dude.”
I laugh. “I wouldn’t be surprised. Whoever the poor bastard is, he’s a lucky motherfucker to dodge that asshole.”
“My point is. Don’t make decisions according to stereotypes like the one Riccardo has tried to place on us. If you want Ny and me as your family, do that.
“If you want to give Ny a baby and share that with me, do that. This has all been about you carving out a world for what you want, but it’s up to you to decide what that is.”
I look my friend in the eye. “To be honest. This all sounds crazy, but when I think of the two people who want this from me, it seems right. I wouldn’t do this for anyone else.”
“Yeah, I get it. It’s the same for me.”
“When’s the next roller derby paintball tournament?”
“Gio,” he says in warning.
“You want her back or not? Let me do what I do.”
“I want her back, not for her to come back and kill you.”
I wave him off. “Get me a team and place them in the tournament. She does still do them, right?”
“Yeah, she does.”
“Good.”
“What are you planning?”
“Shit, you talk a lot these days. I need to change the water filter or some shit.”
“Ha ha.”
“I’m going to be her friend. I’m going to be there for her since Ny can’t.”
“Why do I see red all over this?”
“I don’t know if she’s a virgin and I don’t plan to fuck her to find out, so I don’t know why you’re seeing red. Just do what I asked. I’ll handle Ny when her claws come out.”
Nyla
“This is the second birthday of yours where I’ve seen you looking glum over my son,” Lucas says as he comes to sit outside the barn with me.
“Do you ever feel like you’re wasting your life waiting for something to happen around here?” I say and nod back toward the house where Ava is.
“I love that woman in that house. I believe in what she’s trying to do for our son. I would waste away for a thousand years waiting for her. But that’s me. My sanity has been questioned often.”
“I need to find me. I’m so lost, so angry. I don’t even know who or what I’m angry at anymore. I’m upset with everything and everyone.”
“Why are you upset in this moment?”
“I’m mad at myself because I feel like I’ve abandoned Lizzy, Gio, and Jace. Heck, all the dolls and my responsibilities, and for what? I’m no closer to finding me or my purpose.”