“It was the early nineties—people let their kids watch whatever was on cable. And my parents, specifically, were not concerned about my healthy emotional growth. Anyway. I was watching it tonight, trying to sleep. Do you remember what Nicolas Cage says? When he’s talking about how the stars and snowflakes are perfect?”
Noelle shook her head. “Tell me.” She loved trying to follow the fascinating trails of Miriam’s thoughts.
Miriam stopped, pulled her hands away, and gestured around them to the stars and snowflakes. “He says, ‘We’re not here to make things perfect. That we’re here to ruin ourselves, love the wrong people, break our hearts.’ And I thought, I’ve been hiding from making a mess and breaking myself for so long. I don’t want to, anymore. Nicolas Cage was right. I’m ready to ruin myself if I get to do it with you.”
“What are you saying?” Noelle asked, although she knew. She wanted Miriam so much, and she wanted to hear, explicitly, with no room for uncertainty, that Miriam wanted her back just as much. She needed to know they were diving off this cliff together.
“It’s my birthday, and I want a birthday kiss,” Miriam said, spinning out and then coming back to a stop, very close to Noelle’s face. Their breath mingled, and Noelle had to fight to take her eyes off Miriam’s lips.
“Your birthday is tomorrow,” Noelle pointed out. “I know this because Mrs. Matthews has been fretting about your cake for three days. It’s a surprise, though, so don’t tell her I told you.”
“It’s after midnight, so itismy birthday, and I want to start my birthday out with kissing,” Miriam whispered, somehow moved even closer.
Noelle put her hands on Miriam’s hips. To steady herself, so Miriam didn’t knock her over. That was all.
“I thought you agreed this was a terrible idea,” Noelle said.
“It was a terrible idea, a few days after my breakup,” Miriam corrected her, “when everything was ass over teakettle. But we can’t pretend there’s nothing happening. We’ve been circling around it, and it’s making me twitchy. We can’t avoid it forever. We’ll combust.”
Noelle already felt like she was combusting, right now, smelling Miriam’s toothpaste and the coconut smell of her hair as it blew around them both.
“Why now? I thought we were feeling each other out?” Noelle asked, liking that Miriam was impatient.
“You stood up for me, against your best friend in the world. You believed in me. It made me want to stop waiting. Besides”—Miriam batted her eyelashes—“why feel each other out, when we could be feeling each other up?”
Noelle barked out a surprised laugh, cutting herself off when Miriam ran a finger down her arm. She growled a little in the back of her throat.
“I’m not kidding, Noelle. I can’t stop thinking about touching you. Remind me why we shouldn’t get involved?” Miriam grabbed Noelle’s hands again. Her face, lit up by moonlight, was so beautiful it felt unreal.
“You just broke up with your fiancée,” Noelle reminded her. “We are in the middle of trying to save our shared business. We live in the same building.” She wasn’t even sureshebelieved any of these reasons, after her talk with Hannah, but they were her only defense left.
Her hormones shouted at her to stop mounting a defense.
“Logistics, logistics.” Miriam pulled Noelle close so their bodies were flush. “What if what’s going on between us is real, and we miss out on it because we’re scared? We’ve both spent so much time trying not to get hurt, and how is that living?”
Noelle disentangled them, and Miriam made a little sound of protest. God, she wanted to hear what sounds Miriam made in bed. She wanted to throw caution to the wind, but she liked Miriam, and loved Carrigan’s, too much to not be really sure.
“I wanted to take over Carrigan’s,” Noelle said. “It was the only thing I’d wanted in a long time. When my parents died, I was adrift. No anchor, no plans, no home base. When I got here, and Cass and Hannah enveloped me into their community, I got a family and a home again.” She was getting louder, as she skated in circles and gestured.
“I have dreams again now. I have a place that’s mine again.” Her voice cracked, and she spun to a stop, facing Miriam. “You threw out all your old dreams in an instant for Carrigan’s All Year. It scares me, that we’re going to be another thing you throw away. How can I risk exploding my safe place?”
“I might be worth the risk,” Miriam said softly, her eyes huge and hopeful.
Noelle’s heart felt ready to escape her chest and fly out over the ice.
“It’s not that I don’t think you’re worth the risk, Miriam. I’m just not a risk-taker anymore. I left that behind when I quit drinking, and even more when my parents died.” Noelle stuffed her hands in her pockets and turned toward the trees, so she didn’t have to look at Miriam when she said this next part. “Besides, I told you, I don’t get emotionally involved anymore. It took me years to trust Hannah and Cass, and they’re the closest I’ve ever been to anyone. They’re stable. You’re not all in on your life, and I get why you aren’t, but you’re asking me to go all in on you. You’re talking about something real, something big. That’s the only kind of thing we could start right now, something with the potential for forever, and I’m not sure I’m available for that.”
“What would it take to get you to take a chance on me?” Miriam asked, not sounding frustrated, just curious. “And why have you been flirting with me nonstop if you were going to put on the brakes?” Ah, there was the frustration.
Noelle skated backwards in slow circles, thinking.
“The second question is easy. I can’t stop myself. You’re irresistible. The first question is harder. What convinced you that now’s the time? What makes you sure, with all my baggage and everything at stake, I’m worth the risk?” she asked. “Or did you get impatient and decide to damn the potential consequences?”
She watched Miriam’s face blossom into a grin.
“I knew when you told Hannah I should take over the operations of Carrigan’s All Year, but it wasn’t only because of that. It was you loving my elephant, and protecting Hannah, and making sure Mr. Matthews is eating enough when you think no one can see you. And because when I imagine Carrigan’s, in my wildest dreams, I imagine us together. What is all of this for, except making our wildest dreams come true?”
“It could get so messy,” Noelle warned her. It was her final defense.