“Kelsey, I think you’re trying to take guilt on yourself,” Evan said quietly. “You need to step back and view this as logically as possible. Right now you’re looking at everything through the lens of the twelve years you had taken from you, the years you didn’t give to Fenrir. Every problem he has you’re going to wonder if they wouldn’t have happened if you’d been here. Deep down, you know the answer.”
I did, but guilt was hard to shake. “He might have had different problems. Easier problems.”
“But he still would have had them. Support him now, and as soon as you can, dump the guilt. I’ve learned guilt does nothing but weigh us down. It’s an insidious thing because it seems like something right and good to take on, like it will teach us to make better choices. But what it does is make us question every choice. It puts us in a corner where we can’t choose properly at all because it’s all we see. It coats our love and sticks to our souls. I am not saying we should thank Myrddin for the years he stole. I’m not doing some martyr, we’re-better-for-our-pain thing. But we’re here and we can’t take it back, and guilt is one of the weapons he’s trying to use against us now. Don’t give in.”
I studied her for a moment, in awe of her quiet wisdom. She was so heartbreakingly young, but somehow she’d figured things out that I hadn’t. “How did you get so smart?”
Evan closed the book. “Many an awful experience. Rhys is still dealing with the guilt that came with Lee losing his eye. Hopefully now that he knows Lee will get it back he can chill a little.”
“My mistresses.” Eddie stood at the door that led to the kitchens. “I have created a luncheon for you. Since Mistress Kelsey has been on a far off Fae plane with none of her usual happy foods, I thought I would make pizza and brownies.”
I loved Eddie so much.
Evan smiled the demon’s way. “I’m looking forward to it. And maybe I can convince Kelsey to tell me the story of how she and my mother took back our Amazon sword. It’s in the biography but they kind of gloss it over, and I think it’s probably way cooler. Did you really shove a sword through my mom’s heart?”
“Oh, it went totally through her body, but she was on your dad’s blood, so she was cool.” I could tell her a bunch of stories that would be old times to her and yesterday for me. Was that what getting old meant? I started to follow Evan into the dining room when another terrible thought struck me. “Hey, that didn’t make the musical, did it?”
“Oh. Yes, but instead of blood when the actress playing you stabs my mom they throw glitter everywhere,” Evan replied.
That was not how that particular night had gone down. “It was blood. Lots of blood.”
“And Master Casey’s song for that act was beautiful. When Kelsey sings to convince the archangel Raphael to give her another chance,” Eddie began as he wiped a tear away, “there is such emotion.”
There hadn’t been emotion. There’d been fucking pain because I was pretty much gutted at that point, but I didn’t care. “Casey? My super-mopey, thinks he can be an emo star Casey wrote the songs for the musical?”
Evan winced. “Yeah, we probably shouldn’t have told you that.”
“Oh, no my mistress. You must listen to them.” Eddie held the door open for us. “The end when the whole cast sings of Kelsey’s glory as she’s carried to the Heaven plane by angels while Trent and Gray wave good-bye…heartbreaking.”
Eddie started crying.
And I started wondering if Casey would explode like Alvis had.
* * * *
It was past three in the morning when I finally made my way to the bedroom. Evan and I had sat up for a while eating pizza and discussing the case.
I’d felt better when we’d been talking about the investigation. I could put my logic hat on but it was off now and I had to think about the events of the day from an emotional stand point.
My mind was a chaotic mess thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong. And all the things that already had.
My son was charming and loyal and loving, and a mess emotionally, and for a lot of reasons. I would chalk it up to horniness, but it was anxiety and fear, too.
My father’s soul was about to become a vampire, and I wasn’t sure simply turning immortal would fix Lee’s problems. I was also responsible for Dean, who’d left a cushy existence on the Vampire plane where he’d had a family who loved him because I’d convinced him to save us all.
My bestie had given up her soul, and it was not a good look for her.
Her boss was trying to turn the plane into a demon orgy.
And my demon husband’s new boss was Lucifer himself.
All in all, it did not make for restful sleep.
I needed Trent here. I needed to know Fenrir was safely inside this place, and Trent could put his arms around me.
I pushed through the doors of our bedroom and set the book down on the dresser, thinking I’d change into PJs and go wait for them to come back. I had no doubt there would be a comfy set of pajamas waiting for me because Eddie knew how to take care of things. There would be nothing I needed that Eddie hadn’t provided for me. I might go hang with him and let him tell me stories about when the kids were young.
Stories I should have been a part of.