"We don't have to be in San Diego until tomorrow afternoon. What do you say? Why don't we spend the night and then drive down tomorrow?"
Well, shit.
Both peer in my direction simultaneously, and I don't hide my eye roll. Pulling out my phone, I sigh and follow up with a smirk. "I'll call Lilly."
It isn't their fault that I'm in a shit mood over someone I shouldn't think about at all—other than how to avoid him. Lilly would love to have my family spend the night. Rhys and Oli get along great, and Lilly adores Elena. This is all on me.
We're on the patio.Rhys and Oli are manning the massive built-in barbecue while Lilly, Elena, and I are lounging in our oversized, cushioned chairs around the massive outdoor table. I'm about to lift my glass of wine to my lips when a shiver runs down my spine, and Lilly beams at something behind me.Someone.
"Marcus! Come join us."
Footsteps come closer, and Elena's eyes widen. Her lips part as she ogles the man behind my chair. I don't have to look to be aware of where he is in my vicinity. Crunching in my ears alerts me to the fact that I'm grinding my molars as she continues to gape.
"Yeah, Bax. We're having steak and burgers. Veggie for Elena," Rhys exclaims, pointing tongs at the third girl at the table, and I groan inwardly.
What the fuck are they doing? Lilly knows why Marcus and I avoid each other. Why would she invite him? Plus, as if it wasn't awkward enough with me being here, now another Keller is reminding him of what our family has cost him.
There is an awkward pause, and Lilly studies me with her head slanted.
"Marcus, nice to see you again," Oli's voice breaks the silence, and I close my eyes.
Why, why, why?
A buzzing current slowly spreads from a spot behind my ribs, through my core, and into every limb. I jump out of my chair, the scraping sound diverting everyone's attention. "Oli, can you come help me with…something?" I struggle to keep my tone even as the sensation morphs into my muscles coiling and my breath quickening.
All eyes are on me while I do not acknowledgehe who fucked my brains out.
"Uh…" My brother stares between me, Elena, and a spot slightly behind me.
"Now, Oli." I swivel on my heels and stalk into the house, still not making eye contact with the wall of muscle I almost run into in my retreat.
I march into one of the sitting rooms and wait with my back to the door. My chest is too tight, and inhaling is a chore. Fuck. I cannot afford another episode. Not with everyone in the house. I crouch down and put my head between my knees. Inhale, two, three, four. Hold, two, three, four. Exhale. Repeat. Needles prick my skin. My clothes are too tight.
"Nelle." My brother's voice is like a bullhorn, and I wince against my legs. "Nelle!" He comes closer, his feet appearing in my peripheral vision, but doesn't touch me. He's been through this with me too many times to count. He knows better, but he hasn't seen me like this in my adult life.
"You didn't tell me how bad it is." His disappointment, laced with concern, makes me wince.
"I'm fine. Just give me a moment," I mumble.
"Nelle, you are not fine. You're keeping it together, but you are not fine."
My vibrating pulse speeds up further. I unfold myself in a jerked motion, whirling at my brother. "What do you expect, Oli? I live under the same roof as the man whose sister I killed!"
Oliver pales visibly before his cheeks turn crimson. "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?" he shouts, and my shoulders scrunch up at his outburst. My brother rarely gets angry, let alone raises his tone at me. He doesn't let me speak before he continues, "You had nothing to do with McKenna Baxter's death. It was a fucking aneurysm. Dad probably couldn't have done anything for her either!" He throws his arms up in exasperation.
My throat burns. "What if he could've? If I hadn't jumped in the pool that n-night—" A sob bubbles up, and I cover my face with my hands. I don't want to lose it.
Arms envelop me, and instantly, I can't breathe. I struggle against Oli's hold. "P-please l-let go!" He could easily contain me. As with Collin, I've lost my ability to defend myself. My body is frozen, my skin burning where he touches me.
Oli immediately drops the embrace. "God, Nelle. I'm sorry." Anguish mars his features, and my tears fall freely. I don't want him to see me like this. To worry. I slash my lips, stopping them from trembling.
He softens. "None of that was your fault. That night was a string of random accidents. You witnessed Mom drown when you were five years old. What child wouldn't be traumatized? And you had the predisposition for… Celine didn't know." Through my own blurry vision, I can see his eyes become glassy, and he breaks off.
"Babe?" Lilly's muffled call of my name startles me, and I pivot on my heels, finding my best friend in the archway of her living room. Her hands cover her mouth, and a tear is running down her cheek. "What does he mean you saw your mother drown?" she whispers, her brows pinched.
Lilly doesn't know that Celine Keller is not my biological mother. No one would suspect because we look so much alike, plus Lilly never had a reason to check on the year my parents got married. I can't speak, can't explain to her our fucked-up family dynamic.
I open my mouth. "I…" I shake my head. "I'm sorry." Rushing past her, I race up the stairs and to my room.