Appius lowered his head. “And here, on this side of the mountain, we’re all too busy watching the kingdom fall apart and dying to care who goes to bed with who.”
I couldn’t hold onto my anxious need to fuck so I felt better anymore. I turned around all the way, gesturing for Appius to scoot forward so I could put my arms around him.
Surprisingly, he moved into my embrace without much of an argument.
“The whole world has lost its mind,” I said, sweeping my hands over his body and letting myself enjoy the warmth and scent of his skin. “No one knows if we’re going to have a tomorrow, so we’re all just doing what feels good today. Lucius is fucking with Leander and Darius, Leander and Darius are fucking with each other—”
Appius gasped before I could finish my thought. “But they’re brothers,” he protested. “Twin brothers.”
I blinked at him. He’d been more or less living in our house for a month, and he hadn’t noticed what went on in the next room?
“They’re twin brothers who know how to pleasure each other and who have no qualms about doing so,” I said.
That didn’t make Appius stop gaping and sputtering. “It’s…it’s wrong. It’s sick. How could they…it’s wrong!”
I let out a heavy sigh. “I used to think there was such a thing as right and wrong. I used to believe some things were unforgivable and others were right and good.” I drooped a little, resting my forehead against the side of Appius’s head, grief and fear rushing through me. “But I know better now. I’ve seen people starve to death because a greedy man decided to call himself a king and kill anyone who opposed him. I’ve seen fathers sell their own sons to unscrupulous men so that they could curry favor with that king. I’ve seen, or heard of, people so desperate with hunger and betrayal that they tore women and children limb from limb just because they were born noble. I’ve…I’ve seen an old general brutalize an innocent young woman while she slept as a way to seek revenge on her father. And I feel like I’m about to see it all again.”
I pulled slightly back from Appius and shook my head, sick at heart. I wanted to go home to my lover so badly that I was on the verge of tears.
“I’ve seen things, Appius,” I said, staring him hard in the eyes. “And I’ve seen two brothers who love each other and who aren’t afraid to turn that love into pleasure so the other one feels something good now and then. Even if the world tells them it’s wrong. They’ve given all of us something to talk about and something else to think about, to feel, in these dark days. Lucius hates them, and the feeling is mutual, but they gave him something just now that he needed.”
“I’m not sure they hate each other as much as they let on,” Appius said sagely. “I’ve always thought it's more the kind of hate where they're all just so frustrated they don’t know what to do with themselves.”
My brow went up a bit. “You have a point,” I said. I let out another breath, then pulled Appius close against me again, falling with him so we lay sprawled all over each other. “None of us knows what to do with ourselves anymore. I think that probably goes for the entire kingdom.”
We were silent for a few minutes, each lost in our own thoughts. Although mine weren’t so much thoughts as the last shreds of control over my emotions combined with my mind racing for ways I could get out of the situation I was stuck in.
Thoughts or emotions, they must have been loud. Appius muscled himself above me, staring down at me with a look that could almost be described as stern.
“So, do you want me to fuck you or not?” he asked with a startling level of seriousness.
I blinked at him, then burst into laughter. I could have kissed him for the way he suddenly made me see how ridiculous I was being.
Actually, why not?
I cupped my hand around the back of his neck, then pulled him close for a kiss. It was rough and firm, but not half as punishing as earlier. And when it was done, I sighed and said, “Appius, I don’t know what I would do without you right now.”
He smiled, then his expression sunk into uncertainty. “Why?” he asked. “Because you need someone to laugh at so that you stay distracted from your problems?”
My throat squeezed with guilt. “I’ve never laughed at you,” I said.
“But you all do keep me around like a pet so you don’t have to think about other things,” he said.
“You can leave whenever you want,” I said in return.
He sighed and dropped to lay against me. “I don’t want to leave.” He paused, then said, “I don’t want to stay here either. And I don’t want to go back to Aktau. I don’t want to stay in Royersford, though, and I don’t want to be a healer.”
“You don’t?” That surprised me.
He made a frustrated sound, then said. “Alright, I do want to be a healer. But not the kind who sews up battle wounds and doses starving children with things to make them sleep until they die.”
“I know,” I said, sighing.
I closed my eyes, mostly because it was all too much to deal with.
I was surprised a few seconds later when Appius bent down to kiss me. Usually, I was the one doing the kissing and Appius went along with it until he got carried away. Having him take the initiative was a different feeling entirely.
I kissed him back, then opened my eyes. Appius stared down at me with a mixture of concern and affection.