When his health insurance denied him again, I saw the effects immediately. Parkinson’s devoured his brain function. One little pill costing thousands could make him more comfortable, and I researched tons more that I could get access to just by talking with Jared’s father.
My daddy, the man who’d always made me feel comfortable, even when I had no momma to help me through anything, deserved to feel comfortable in his last days.
“I’m not selling drugs, if that’s what you think,” I told him.
“What are you selling, then?” He must have seen the shame in my gray eyes because his started to glisten. “Stop what you’re doing now, baby. You can’t come back from it if you keep on.”
“We need the money, Daddy.”
“I need my daughter to know she’s better than anyone. Remember what I’m telling you, Katalina. You don’t fit in because you were made to stand out.” His calloused hand shook, but his grip was firm when he took my hand in his. “You didn’t know your momma, honey, but I promise you she was just as strong.”
I left him the very next night to meet Jared. When he fell asleep, I listened to the nightly calls his father made. The price to be a fly on the wall was a roll in the hay. I learned quickly that boys my age were driven by a lot of things, but the most powerful one was a girl who knew how to use her body for pleasure. I wasn’t proud that I’d lost my virginity, but I was proud that it’d been for a cause.
Jared’s daddy became very generous. Especially when he saw that I could leave him and his son for another boy my age. After a few months, I’d climbed over Jared to the one who could help my family monetarily. Jared’s daddy didn’t mind me around if I let him feel me up, didn’t mind my sitting in on his important calls if I sat on his lap, if I gave him what he wanted.
The calls led back to Mario, to the men in suits who I knew had the money to help my father be comfortable.
Mario had sounded elated when Jimmy introduced me. He claimed he’d always wanted a daughter in the family, and my heart sped up at the idea of belonging. Maybe it was where I was supposed to be if my father passed away. Maybe everything would be fine. The first letter came a few days after that call.
This will be my first and last letter.
Jared and Jimmy are not good people.
Don’t surround yourself with trash or you’ll start to smell just as it does.
Rome
PS Cleopatra dined with rulers, not servants.
PPS Poe’s best is “The Raven.” He goes mad in missing his Lenore. I find we’re all missing something, and maybe that makes us all a little mad.
I did exactly the opposite of his instructions.
I solidified my role within the family by sitting in on those calls every time Jimmy invited me. They hooked me with their secrets and made sure I was aware that I could never share them.
All I shared was my body with Jimmy, more times than I could count.
Was love exchanging sex for something so necessary to my life? Jimmy saved my father. He sacrificed hundreds of thousands of dollars just for me.
I thought I loved him for that; I loved him even if I hated him for the same reason.
And the men on the phone became men I looked at as my family too. They asked about “Dougie” and wanted to make sure he was just as comfortable as I wanted him to be. When they talked business, they listened to me like a family would too. I was given a voice there; they respected my advice. I was the beautifulragazzawho spoke candidly, swiftly, and with just enough innocence that I was a window into many answers they couldn’t have seen. I gained respect and what I thought was their love.
But I lost my father’s love in the process.
He begged me to stop. We didn’t discuss my job, but he knew it wasn’t the respectful one he’d taught me to get.
I stuck to my reason. “We need the money.”
And we did. His hands shook less. He could walk around the house. The nurse who had started to come to help him throughout the day worked wonders with physical therapy.
Still, the last night he begged me, “Stop, Katalina. You’re better than what you’ve made yourself into.”
“I’m what I need to be, Daddy.” I powdered my face. “In a few more years, I’ll be going to college. This will pay for it.”
“Get a loan.” His voice sounded strained and defeated. “I always taught you to do what you wanted, that I trusted you to make the right decision. Don’t make me say you didn’t.”
I turned from the mirror to look him in the eyes. “You’re alive. That’s the right decision. No one was going to give a young girl like me—let alone a mixed one—a job, not in this neighborhood. I’m seventeen, and you’re still here. We’re doing fine as long as you’re here, Daddy.”