“Dougie, I…”
The first punch to my ribs knocked the air clean out of my lungs. I remembered flailing backward but he followed with a motive to inflict more pain. The next punch was measured and accurately placed in the same exact location. I wheezed out another plea.
He backed away from me, eyes still full of chaos and violence, rabid with the pain I’d caused. “Now you know how much it hurts.”
I scrambled farther back on the bed but winced the whole way. The pain shot through my side as I moved. “I’m sorry,” I whispered because I couldn’t manage to say more, couldn’t muster up the courage to say anything else. “I’m sorry, Dougie.”
“Stop saying that,” he bellowed, spit flying from his mouth.
I recoiled like a beaten animal at the volume. The jumpiness was an instinct I’d thought had been long forgotten. It’d been almost a year since he’d acted out, a year of us rebuilding from the last incident. But muscle memory always took over when adrenaline and fear kicked in. My body instantly didn’t trust him, instantly categorized him as a threat. The trust we’d once had with one another was snapped that quickly. Shattered to pieces all over the beautiful tiling of the floor we’d picked out together.
I opened my mouth but found myself silent, keeping stock still. Even as my side throbbed and I wondered how quickly I could escape if I had to, I was frozen. Normally, I acted. I figured out my odds, I worked hard to get out ahead, and I drove forward. Here, in my own bedroom, arm around my ribs, I suddenly felt small, helpless.
Destroyed.
“What do you want me to do?” The words trembled out of me, and I hated that I was folding under his attack, giving him what he wanted.
He cracked his knuckles and closed his eyes like the mere sight of me was pissing him off. “Damn it, Mikka. I shouldn’t have done that.” His voice rumbled out full of gravel and pain. “You’re just everything, you know? We’re in this together. Me and you.”
He came to me and I let him. His face crumpled like the idea of what he’d done was breaking him and maybe it was breaking me too. His words meant something to me; we’d been in it together for so long. I’d invested my past, my present, and my future in him.
He sat down on the bed and scooted over to me. “Mikka,” he whispered and his finger lifted my chin toward him so gently, I felt the man I first fell in love with beside me. “I’m sorry. I can’t lose you and I thought I might. It makes me crazy that he did that. And you know I’ve never, ever hurt you or anyone before. Shit, baby. I love you, okay?”
The words broke down the wall of shock, broke down the fear, and flooded me with emotion. My eyes started to fill with tears and he instantly was there at the corners of them, kissing away the wetness. “Forgive me. God, forgive me. Say that we’ll be okay.”
I nodded and let him rub my back as he tried to soothe away the events of the morning. “We’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.” I almost chanted the words, like something I needed to remember, like something I needed burned into my mind because I wanted so badly to believe them.
Yet, how could we be fine after this? How could we move forward?
I rubbed my side one last time. “Do I need to quit my job? Maybe I can call to have someone else pick Jay up.”
Suddenly, he had the reins and complete control of our relationship. I wanted his opinion on my life and I didn’t know why. I didn’t see that I’d just handed him the first page to the book of controlling me.
He took it with a smile and a peck on my cheek. “No, honey. No. I overreacted. Let’s just start with making sure you know how to get him to back off if he tries something. I’ll need his number and I want you to call me when you’re with him. Let him know you’re with me. He needs to know who’s in charge.”
I nodded like I could accomplish that list but the bile rising in my throat told me I didn’t want to.
“I should get going. I’ll be home in a couple hours.”
I got up to leave and grabbed my leather bag to hike up onto my shoulder. I gripped the strap tight like it was my only safe lifeline. He followed close behind me. When he grabbed my ass and turned me, my heart jumped to my throat again. “Tell me you love me. That I’m the only one you love.”
His face had a new look, intoxicated with new power. “Dougie…”
“Tell me, Mikka. And then lay one on me.” His grip on my ass tightened to the point of pain.
I leaned in and said the words. Then, I let him kiss me.
On the way out the door, I left my pride and heart behind. As I walked down the hallway, the first tears fell. In the elevator, the sobs wracked my body and I winced at the pain in my side.
On the way to the hotel, I drove in silence, numb to what had just happened.
I gripped my leather bag in the seat beside me. I would check off my list, I would plow ahead, and everything would fall into place.
It would have to, wouldn’t it?