He stepped toward me like he wanted me to take back what I’d said immediately. “Don’t fuck with me, Whitfield. You know better than to say that shit to me.”
“I don’t though. I don’t know anything about you anymore. What I thought I knew isn’t real.”
“Cut the bullshit. You're fishing for something to be mad at when you know you don't have to. Don't let this ruin us again."
"How can you think there’s even an us when you were never once truthful with me?”
"Everything we've had has been the truth, Whitfield."
His voice held a warning but I pushed on. "I can't possibly believe that now. Not after all the lies.”
“Peaches, you know what we have is real.”
“It can’t be.” I whispered, letting go of that fragile little thing that was our relationship.
“Yes, it can.” He stepped toward me but I stepped back. “I fucking love you, woman.”
“No!” I screamed. “Don’t say those three words to me like this. You did it just as badly before.”
“I meant it then just like I mean it now.”
“You don’t know how to mean it. You don’t know how to love me. I don’t believe it.”
“You better because I’m not fucking around.”
“How can I believe it, Jax? It would make me an idiot. Fool me once, but more? I'm not that naive."
"You’re being paranoid just like him."
His last words rang over and over in my head as I stared at him. Those words that so ruthlessly compared me to the man I hated. They were my only excuse, my reason, my only justification for acting how I did after.
I don't remember flying at him. I just know I did. Katie said she was proud and Vick said I looked unhinged. I reached him before anyone could stop me and the slap could have been heard throughout the campus.
Jax's head flew to the side with the impact. Then he turned back to face me. His eyes blazed with such emotion I wasn't sure if I would have chosen that or the apathy I saw in them before.
He rubbed his cheek. Then he whispered with a voice that seemed so dead and lifeless after being so full of life during his concert, “Like father, like daughter then, Aubrey Whitfield."
My friends, the people who seemed to show up even when it didn't pay to, took away my opportunity to hit him again.
Rome was there wrapping his arms quickly around me before I could unleash the violence that took over me.
I screamed at Jax, “We’re done. This is over. Don’t ever talk to me again.”
I fought Rome as he carried me away, wanting to inflict physical pain on Jax. Rome kept whispering, “Calm down. Calm down, baby girl. It’ll go viral in the media.”
Katie said later that instead of settling down, an animal force took over, Vick said she was sure she imagined how hard I fought, my stare locked on Jax.
I suppose I’d been fed up with keeping appearances for so long that lashing out finally felt right, liberating, like I shouldn't have held back even if I wanted to. I know I lunged for his face, ready to claw him, arms and fingers stretched, ready to tear him down and make him feel the pain I felt. It wasn't just what I wanted, it was the only thing I could do. And yet, Rome held me off, pulling me back away from him and the circle of people that had formed.
Through the haze of what I remember, one particular image stood out, clear as blood on white linen. Jax's stone-cold face as he looked on at me fighting to get to him. He didn't look scared or sad or remorseful. He didn't look like any emotion at all.
Then, Jay walked right up to him and punched him in the face so hard, everyone gasped.
I stopped fighting Rome.
Jax's head snapped to his brother, his mouth bloody. He wiped the trickle of blood from the corner and said low, "I'll let you have that one, little brother …"
Jay cut him off, "I told you not to fuck this up." Jay glanced my way. I saw pain as deep as mine, like he couldn't believe his brother had done this.
I cracked then. My body convulsed and instead of fighting in Rome's arms, I crumpled. The sobs that racked me were ugly and brutal.
I felt the loss of someone I’d loved for so long, it was like death, plain and simple. Our relationship was dead, and the vision of who he painted himself to be was dead too.
I heard him call my name. Maybe I imagined his voice cracking and finally sounding like he gave a damn, but Rome was carrying me away by then.
I wasn't looking back.
Not for anything.